On this first day of our new season of soccer, I give you five things you will never see or hear on a soccer field.
1. A referee saying, "Oh, actually, you are right. I made a bad call. Let's get that ball and give it back to your daughter."
2. A child who stops in the middle of the game and says, "Hey Dad, thanks for telling me what to do while I'm out here. Really helps me figure things out. What should I do next?"
3. A college coach at a U11 game going up to a parent and saying, "Wow, your child is the best thing I've ever seen. Can we sign him up for a full ride at my university?"
4. A coach who calls across the field, "Parents, I'm a fake. I really don't know anything about soccer. You seem to know what's going on, so could one of you come on over and coach for me?"
5. A parent approaching another parent on his child's team and saying, "I just love the way you scream at the kids. It really makes the sidelines feel like a party."
To all parents of child athletes, here's a little tip when you find yourself getting perturbed and yelling: Get yourself a great big bag of suckers. It's a whole lot harder to yell when you are trying to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop.
Have a lovely, good-sportsmanlike day!
And how 'bout those fantastic Olympians? Go Team USA!