Thursday, April 16, 2015

NO!

Young kids are very good at wielding that two-letter word weapon whenever they aren't in the mood to do something. There's no wishy washy in it. There's no guilt in using it. If they don't want to do something or if they don't want something, that no is made known quite clearly.

While that no from a two year old can cause us some frustration, we parents can learn from those very same children's use of the word.

I am of the mind that we need to serve others. We need to volunteer and help people who need help.

When the kids were little, before soccer and school activities took over, we had a whole lot of down time. Bryan and I were finally meeting people at church and getting more involved with activities there. I would see shout outs for needs in Sunday's bulletin, and I'd happily respond with a, "Sure! I can do that!" As we got to know more people, people started personally asking us to do certain things. "Can you take the photos for the anniversary directory?" Sure!

I had plenty of time to fill, I liked having the interaction, and I was helping people, just like I should. Plus, I had a small photography business, mainly because people had asked me to take photos of their kids. (When you have a lawyer for a husband, things have to be done "properly".) I was happy to be doing it.

Until it got to the point where I was a stressed-out mama, dragging my kids hither and yon, putting layettes together, taking photos, making meals, counseling engaged couples, teaching VBC, and who knows how many other things. And to top it off, the photography business was getting bigger and requiring more time.

I would snap at the kids, because I HAD to get something done. I would tell my kids to give me 5 minutes to do this one thing and then I'd play, then 30 minutes later get annoyed when they reminded me that I never stopped to play. Guilt took hold, and it made me realize one very important thing.

Every time I said yes to a photography client or someone at church or school, I was saying no to my kids.

I am a stay-at-home mom for a reason. That reason is not so I can be at everyone's beck and call, but so I can be present with my kids and be the best mom I can be.

I had to learn from my young kids that it is OK to say no. With no hesitation or guilt.

I took my name off of the email list for making dinners.

I got off the Birthline volunteer list that required me to go downtown to put layettes together.

I closed the photography business.

I took time off of everything to regroup and decide what I really wanted to do and what was actually feasible.

Were other people happy when they called and asked me to do something, and I replied with a resounding, "No"?

Nope.

Was it the end of the world for any of us?

Nope.

I still volunteer, but I am much choosier about what I agree to do.

As time goes on, and kids go to school and leave the house, there will be plenty of time to volunteer more and do other things that I want to do.

For now, I'm a mom. With kids who need direction, help, and guidance. And fun. There has to be fun. I have to say no to others, so I can say yes to them.

So, if you find yourself over-committed and frustrated, learn a lesson from a two year old.

Say no.

But take heed, that no will be received much better if you are not rolling around on the floor screaming it over and over again.

How are you at telling people no? Is it something you had to learn the hard way? Tell me all about it.

Have a lovely day!

25 comments:

  1. I started saying no a few years ago when my cat population reached 16. Local people were treating me like a home for stray pets, and though I felt sorry for those which were in need I just couldn't take any more - and the more I said no the easier it was to say it.

    Although I'm quite happy to help anyone with anything any time if I have the capabilities I also need time for myself, so I do now say no more often than I used to - and I do it as tactfully as I can and with a genuine reason why.

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    1. Wow! That's a lot of cats. I can see how you would have reached your breaking point. And saying no is most certainly easier the more you say it.

      I've found that people completely understand and hold no grudges when told no in a tactful way with a good reason. Just being honest goes a long way.

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  2. I went through that this winter. I'd gone a little wild signing my name up for committees and duties, and I had to tell some people no. Felt awful doing it but so relieved after. Took that as a good sign.

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    1. It is a good sign. I'm glad you figured it out and took control of your schedule.

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  3. When I stopped working and became a stay at home Mom many moons ago, I became a full time volunteer. Uncle Jeffy finally put his foot down and asked why we were spending so much $$$$$ on child care when I was supposed to be the child care provider. At some point, ya just gotta start saying No. Now I'm really selfish with my time and actually much happier.

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    1. Jeffy had a very good point. :) We do have to say no, and it is ok to do so.

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  4. My most clear memory of having to say a lot of "NO's" came during my pregnancy. I was so sick nearly the entire time, sometimes so severely that I couldn't get off the couch or take a shower without vomiting 10 times. I had to tell myself: NO the house can't be spotless right now and you aren't going to die over it. NO you can't lead bible studies right now, you might vomit all over everyone. NO, now is not the time to train horses and chase chickens. NO now is not a good time to visit the nursing home, I know you want to but if you get the flu bug you might just die of dehydration. LOL! Now that my little man is getting older, it is easier to do a few extra things but as our family expands I know I am going to have to learn to say no more frequently to others to say yes to my babies. This is a great reminder.

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    1. Oh, telling yourself no is about as hard as telling another person. It's hard to live in the middle of so much to do, yet NOT do it. I've found it easier to say no when I had a lot of kids. No one bats an eye, knowing a schedule with 6 kids is already packed. It's when there is only one or two kids that over-volunteering is most likely. Stay strong! :)

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  5. Like you said, it is all a matter of priority. Family comes first. I remember hearing one mom say that she declines service opportunities by saying, "I'll need to take a raincheck on that." She started answering that way after the death of one of her children. The person who was asking for help, asked her (in a kind way) how long she would need, and she truthfully answered "5 years."

    Life is filled with many opportunities to do good. Just as a marathon runner does not run at a sprinter's pace, we also need to use wisdom in order to avoid burn-out.

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    1. Very smart mom, that one.

      Exactly. There will be plenty of time to do volunteer work later. This is the "season" in which I am to take care of my family.

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  6. Like you said, it is all a matter of priority. Family comes first. I remember hearing one mom say that she declines service opportunities by saying, "I'll need to take a raincheck on that." She started answering that way after the death of one of her children. The person who was asking for help, asked her (in a kind way) how long she would need, and she truthfully answered "5 years."

    Life is filled with many opportunities to do good. Just as a marathon runner does not run at a sprinter's pace, we also need to use wisdom in order to avoid burn-out.

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  7. The more you do the more they will want. I've found that out and have also scaled back. Hubby too. We are both giving people and we've learned to say no. Now we pick and choose what we want to do as well. Excellent advice.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

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    1. I have found that out as well. Once you are known as someone who will volunteer, your name gets brought up with more and more frequency. Glad I'm not the only "mean" one who declines.

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  8. Now that I am at home I find myself thinking...and saying...I can do that, now I have time for that, etc. But I left my full time job to be available for Zilla, to improve my health, and to work for myself so that the first two could happen. I had to quickly stop doing all the yessing..
    At my old job I stopped yessing after Zilla was born. Had to.it did piss people off. Perhaps to thevpoint where professional treatment of me changed. But that is a different story.
    Great N choice!

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    1. Good for you. You learned it quickly. It took me a lot longer than that. :)

      Well, I'm glad you got out of that job. Doesn't sound like the priorities matched yours at all.

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  9. (only 15 letters left, right?)

    I liked the topic, it actually is a gigantic and helpful one…saying 'No' can be more difficult than it should be at times….good advice!

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    1. The hardest ones, though! ugh.

      It can be difficult, especially the first few times you do it. It's a necessary thing to learn, though, for everyone's sanity.

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  10. I think it takes women a long time to learn to say no. But I feel I'm really a better witness for Christ since I learned to do that. Maybe it's someone else's turn to step up and help. Seems in churches, the same people do everything! I applaud you for putting your children first. If more people did that, society might be better off. :-)

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    1. Ha! funny you should say this! I cut out a chunk of this post that dealt with exactly this. For example, I did a certain station at VBC for years. I enjoyed it, as did the kids, but it got to be too much when I had the little boys. I stepped down, and other people who had always wanted to try it stepped in. I had no idea other people wanted to do it!

      I'm going to have to agree with you on everything you wrote.

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  11. So much power in such a little word. I have trouble saying no too. Actually I have trouble not saying yes even more! I am, however, getting better at "stalling". ;)

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    1. Ha! C'mon Diane! You can do it!

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    2. My team mate gave me some napkins because she said they reminded her of me. This is what was written on them "Stop me before I volunteer again." See. I have trouble saying no. ;)

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  12. Having said THEE BIGGEST 'no', I'm hoping all the others should be a little easier...

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  13. I feel horribly guilty when I say No to a request to volunteer, so my M.O is just to hide out....

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  14. I used to feel bad about "No," until I understood a few things (similar to you): my "no" means someone else gets a chance, saying "yes" when I want to say "no" breeds resentment (bad thing!) and "no" can mean "yes" (as you suggest). This is wise advice--especially to younger moms who get pressured to "fill that time when staying home."

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Thank you for taking the time to tell me what you're thinking!