Thursday, September 26, 2013

An Ode to the Pigs

There once was a pig named...

Oh, wait.  That's no good.  We don't name our pigs.  How about a spin-off an old favorite?

Pig, pigs, the magical meat.
The more you eat, the more you sheet.
The more you sheet, the better you'll feel,
So let's have pigs at every meal.

While it makes my immature self smile, it doesn't even make sense.   Perhaps a different old favorite?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The bacon is yummy,
and the ham is good, too!

No, still too juvenile.  I can do better.  Perhaps a limerick?

Three small pigs came to live at The Coop.
They got very sick and had runny poop.
Coop Mom gave them shots
They felt better.  Lots!
And lived to one day become soup.

Need the recipe?

How about to a song?  Perhaps to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle?

For five months I cared for you
Even when you chewed my shoe.
In return you ran away
Causing me to go cray-cray.
Your wacky antics wore me out
"To the butcher!" I did shout.

Or not. 

It's been a long, long season with this group of pigs.  They were a feisty bunch.  Since April, they have managed to get out three times...

Once when I wasn't home

Once after the Labor Day party

And once recently when it was caught on tape

They've all gotten sick, coming close to death (well, one did come to death), causing me to learn how to give pigs shots in the neck.

Surely you remember the diagnosis and the solution.

They have destroyed our barn, one piece of wood at a time, which means lots of work for us before next year's pigs arrive.

One of them even bit me in the leg.

Am I sorry to see them go?

Um, no.

Not one little bit.

They are gone, with very little trouble.  I wasn't even here when they were loaded onto the truck.  All I had to do was get them locked in the barn before the truck got here.

(Of course, the big kids were the only ones to help me, so I was locked in the barn with the pigs and had to squeeze/climb my way out, but Mission:  Accomplished.)

Turken wanted to take a video, so here you go.  Blame yourselves for my new obsession with adding videos to my posts.  Lead up to the video:  I had an armload of apples, the pigs followed me into the barn.  While I fed the apples to the pigs, the kids put up the gate.  When I watched the video, I thought, "The kids had some good points.  I probably should have listened to them."  At one point, Giant was cheering, "Go Mom!" before I climbed out.  I was clearing away the cobwebs at the time, hoping I didn't get a spider in my hair during the exiting of the barn.



In closing, a(n?) haiku.

The pigs were here.  Four!
Only three went out the door
On their own four feet.

Sure, that wasn't professional grade poetry or anything, but I'd like to see you do better.

No, really. 

Leave me a poem in the comments about this year's pigs.  Be creative!  Choose any poem style you like.  I'm thinking I'll even have a prize for the best one.  (Since I'm flying by the seat of my pants, I have no idea what that prize would be.  The least I can do is put it up on Facebook.  Really, I'm only doing this because I have funny, witty, smart people reading this blog, and I know you will come up with some fantastic poems.)

Have a lovely day!

68 comments:

  1. I'm not one of the funny, witty, smart people reading your blog. No I'm not. I will say that I bet these pigs taste mighty good. Give them a special bite now and then. It will make you feel better.

    Have a lovely day. ☺

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Says the woman who has a blog called Comedy Plus. And your comments always make me smile.
      The pigs do taste very, very good.

      Delete
  2. (The first one makes sense if you say it with a Mexican accent. And then it's quite rude ;) )

    SO! A challenge, huh! Because I LOVED this, and all your pictures and drawings and the vid (and WOW does Turken ever sound like a more articulate Cuckoo! Dead cute voice there) - I will do my utmost. Having already maxed out my creativity writing a song for Kristi last weekend, we shall see!

    TO where should you go if you wanted to know
    How a person turns pigs into bacon?
    You must find you a vlog; a vlog of the hog
    To see all the steps which were taken.

    Don't cluck all around - to the Coop you must bound
    Where the writing by lovely Christine
    Complete with the drawings (they're not THAT appalling)
    Will give you the knowledge supreme

    You start with wee piggies (they're not very big e-
    ven though you know really they're food)
    So you feed 'em - they thrive (well, the ones which survive
    all the jackals and drownings and flu)

    Maybe once, just for japes, you let them escape
    Then wonder as you run around
    Why you ever thought that a game of this sort
    Was a smart one for muddyish ground.

    So you don't come to grief, I just mention their teeth
    And their weight and their size and their bristles
    They bark, bite and run like they're shot from a gun:
    The eponymous self-guided missiles.

    Not to put you on skids, but if you have kids
    You'll want to make sure they're protected
    And I mean no offense; if you have a crap fence
    You can be sure it will soon be detected

    For in Piggydom World, where the tails are all curled
    There really is just one objective:
    'To be fed and escape 'em, before they say "bacon"
    And lose anthromorphic perspective.'

    Alas and alack, when you've tried that attack
    And you find all your efforts were blundered
    You might as well laze in those last, apple days
    Your days, tasty friend, now are numbered!

    Don't worry, pig, dear (though it may feel quite queer
    As you're pole-axed and chopped up and bled)
    You'll be back very soon, as our favourite boon
    'Cause we're all coming round to be fed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *standing ovation* I knew you'd come up with something wonderful! I can't even pick my favorite stanza.
      Now, as for the prize, I cannot give it to you. My family will be voting, and their sense of humor/ear for poetry goes for a little less sophisticated. :)

      Delete
    2. Shoot...good thing I didn't read this before I entered mine!!

      ..not.even.close... not even IN the ballpark...

      Delete
    3. Oh wow!! I have nothing to say after this piece!!

      Delete
    4. I know, I know, but entering was fun :) Can't wait to see the winner - it'll be someone who says 'poop' a lot, I'd guess...

      Delete
  3. Well, you threw down the gauntlet but Llizzi destroyed it. I'm not even going to try...just rolling over to die. Yes, I'm like that.

    Congratulations, Lizzi...it's a major award! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I triple-dog-dare you! You can't win it if you're not in it - and being an IRL BFF *must* give you an edge ;)

      Delete
    2. Oh, she'll be writing one, have no fear...

      Delete
  4. Uh, yeah....not even gonna try this after reading that entry! So, how much is it going to cost to mail a whole ham to her? Ha ha! Did I tell you how much I LOVE your blog and your sense of humor? SO glad I found you through the A-Z competition!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's an AMAZING blog and sense of humour - add your voice to it! I'm snarky and English and apt to be marked down on those points alone - I also don't want Christine to hate me forever because I showed up and rained on her parade and no-one else would join in... :/

      Delete
    2. Ah, free pork products would be a great prize!! I don't think I can mail it, though...Hmmm...

      Thank you both for your kind words. I'm so glad I found you both!

      Delete
  5. Sorry, no poem from my brain! But I love your journey through all those lyric genres.. Poor pigs. Are they all going to be turned into meat?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, no worries about the poem.
      Yes, all meat. They are all getting packaged up as I type. They lived a happy life (except for that whole illness thing).

      Delete
  6. There was a girl she loved in a coop
    she had some free space and wanted pig poop

    She had some pigs Four
    Those pigs often got out the door

    The coop girl wanted some bacon
    She sold those pigs, they got taken

    Why does bacon taste so good
    It is fried fat not even food

    So read her blog
    While she eats her hog.

    That is the best i've got... sorry! {and poop... sorry}

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You had me at the typo in the first line. (I'm assuming that's a typo, since I know you and I don't remember ever writing about "loving" in a coop.) :)

      Your best is awesome. No need to apologize for poop. It happens to the best of us. :)

      BTW, our bacon has lots of meat on it. So yummy.

      Thanks for entering!!

      Delete
    2. I TOTALLY MISSED THE TYPO! *falling about laughing*

      That makes this one DEFINITELY the best poem (and possibly a little 'R' rated ;) )

      Delete
    3. I missed the typo too...I just assumed that's what she meant: "loved in a coop". Awesome. :)

      Delete
  7. Christine had four little piglets,
    that escaped their pen all the time.
    She said, "look pigs, you blew it."
    And before we all knew it...
    They were nothing more than pork rinds.

    Bahaha. :D And that's all I got!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha!! Fantastic! They did blow it. Big time. (Of course, even pigs who are well behaved have the same end.)

      Thank you for writing a poem!

      Delete
  8. There once was a girl named Christine.
    Her piggies thought she was quite mean.
    But when they escaped,
    she donned her hero cape.
    And helped her weeee piggies back home.
    -----
    There was a young woman who lived in a coop;
    She had so many piggies, she didn't know all they did was poop.
    She found them one day and they were so ill;
    Then stuck them with needles and gave them a pill.
    -----
    I would never claim to be Mother Goose,
    But I'm glad no more pigs will be on the loose.
    They went off to market and no longer will roam,
    Until new piggies come wee wee wee home.
    -----
    Sorry, I will stop now. :D (And Lizzi=Dr. Seussette)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aaww, you called me young! You win! (Just kidding. The kids will be voting.)

      Don't stop unless you want to. These are fun! Gotta say, that "This little piggy" rhyme you do on kids' toes has a whole new meaning when you are pig farmers. We can't get past the first line. :)

      Delete
    2. *grins* These are awesome. I like the third one best. That gets my vote :D

      Delete
  9. I've been shamed into attempting some poetry. I did try my hand at my own "Roses are Red", but for the most part I kept thinking children's songs instead of poems so here's what I got:

    Roses are red
    Bacon is delicious
    Too bad piggies have to die
    I hate to be malicious.

    (To the tune of “You Are My Sunshine”)
    You are my bacon,
    My lovely bacon…
    You make me happy
    With sides of eggs.

    You’ll never know, Dear,
    How much I love you,
    Cause you’ll be dead
    when you get to my plate.


    (To the tune of “A Peanut Sat on a Railroad Track”)
    A piggy sat at the butcher shop
    His heart was all a-racin'
    Along came the butcher's ax
    Chop chop! Tasty bacon!


    (To the tune of “Five Green and Speckled Frogs”)
    Five pink and fattened hogs
    Sitting near the rotten log
    Eating the family's kitchen scraps
    One jumped into the truck
    ‘Stead rolling in the muck
    Then there were four pink and fattened hogs…

    Four pink and fattened hogs
    Sitting near the rotten log
    Eating the family's kitchen scraps
    One jumped into the truck
    ‘Stead rolling in the muck
    Then there were three pink and fattened hogs…

    Three pink and fattened hogs
    Sitting near the rotten log
    Eating the family's kitchen scraps
    One jumped into the truck
    ‘Stead rolling in the muck
    Then there were two pink and fattened hogs…

    Two pink and fattened hogs
    Sitting near the rotten log
    Eating the family's kitchen scraps
    One jumped into the truck
    ‘Stead rolling in the muck
    Then there was one pink and fattened hog…

    One pink and fattened hog
    Sitting near the rotten log
    Eating the family's kitchen scraps
    One jumped into the truck
    ‘Stead rolling in the muck
    Then there was: a whole freezer full of bacon…

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have outdone yourself!! You, Dear, are giving Lizzi a run for her money. (Well, prize. There's no money. That's Kristi's thing.)
      I can't decide if the roses are red is my favorite (You got in the word malicious!), because I laughed out loud (really loudly) when I sang "You are my bacon".

      This poem contest was the best idea ever!

      Delete
    2. Ok seriously! I really honestly wouldn't have put my two cents in had I read ANY of these other entries first! Mrs AR.... nice...*bowing* Very nice.... *golf claps a'plenty*

      Delete
    3. WOW! Talk about rising WAY to the occasion. And less of the 'shame' - you TOTALLY shoulda just gone for this - you brought a whole new level to the game.

      'You are my bacon' is AMAZING :D

      Delete
    4. OK I just can't stop myself:

      There once was a girl named In the Coop,
      On all things fake-farming she’d give you the scoop.
      She loved pigs and chicken
      Though often they’d sicken
      And die before they’d become soup.

      Delete
    5. BTW Christine...what else rhymes with delicious? Well, I suppose litigious would have worked too. Maybe I'll use that next time.

      Delete
    6. rhymezone.com is your friend ;)

      Delete
  10. Oh how funny...

    And I'd love to toss a few lines in here a la Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham...because pigs, ham...but I can't stop laughing long enough to write it.

    Love the stick people. And stick pigs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, how did I not think of Green Eggs and Ham?!?!? I have read that book at least 1,000 times over the last 15 years. Great idea. When you stop laughing, write one and come back to let us read it!

      Thank you. :)

      Delete
    2. Green Eggs and Ham came to my mind, too, but I haven't written anything yet either.

      Delete
  11. What To Say When the Pigs Show Up by Miss Bloggypants*

    I, for one, am going to know what to say when the pigs show up. I’ve made a list of phrases, and although I don’t know which one to use yet, they are all good enough in case they showed up tomorrow. Many people won’t know what to say when the pigs show up, but I will. Maybe I’ll say, “Oh pigs, oh pigs, oh pigs,” or just “pigs wonderful pigs!” I practice these sayings every day, and even though the pigs haven’t come yet, when they do, I’ll know what to say.

    *Largely (all) stolen and/or modified (basically word for word) from Steve Martin's "What To Say When The Ducks Show Up" in his book Cruel Shoes. I cannot (but I am) taking full credit for this little ditty, but I didn't like my first one, which was:

    They started out as seeds for bacon,
    But, now they’re pork in the makin’.

    As seeds they ain't so great to eat,
    But, soon they’ll be on a plate as meat.

    and then I trailed off with: "ham, oh ham, oh wonderful ham." And that reminded me of Steve Martin.

    So, I'm leaving this one that I left on Facebook--and since I didn't know right off the bat that it had to be pork/ham/bacon/hog/pig related, I added to the end of it to make it fit the criteria....

    Roses are red,
    Violets are purple,
    I like pancakes with maple syrple
    ...and a side of bacon...

    SEE? I TOLD YOU you'd be sorry if I entered this thing. ;)

    Ok, how about --

    Roses are red
    Clover is green,
    Hubby likes my hams,
    If you know what I mean.


    Ok, I'll stop now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *falling about laughing*

      Love these Kari :D

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    3. I am tearing up I am laughing so hard. Normally, I don't encourage plagiarism, but after reading this, I don't know why I have that rule. :)
      So NOT sorry you entered. And don't stop if you don't want to. I'm leaving this contest open for the duration of the weekend.

      Delete
    4. Oh Miss Bloggypants...you are too funny. I LOVE your "Roses are Red"...fantastic. :)

      Delete
    5. Well, lookie here...guess I am a poet (and I didn't even know it) I can rhyme (any ole ...day )

      ... eh..

      Want more laughs like "What to Say When the Ducks Come" ...check out that book! Seriously funny stuff. Chris & I are always quoting it.

      Well, I will miss you gals...heading to Kansas City here in awhile for Women of Faith conference. I'm taking my laptop, but don't know how much I'll be able to check in. May be missing the TToT ...we'll see though. I may surprise myself...

      Delete
    6. Oh, you will be missed. Have a great conference, though!

      Delete
  12. *flying through en route to work, and inspired by Overholt*

    There once was a lady who loved in a coop
    She thanked God each day for no neighbours
    For had she been seen
    Our Coop-loving queen
    Would be charged for indecent behaviours

    :D

    ReplyDelete
  13. Well it's pretty obvious who the dang winner will be so I won't try to actually do anything worth a pig's rump here...but, for your amusement:
    First, a joke. Sortof. Maybe for Cuckoo, anyway.
    One pig said to the other "I never sausage heat!" And the other replied "I know. I'm bacon!"

    Hm. Now. A rhyme. Mostly.

    Once on the Coop, there lived four pigs
    Who liked apples and biting and dancing the jigs.
    While snorting and snuffing and mucking about
    They continued to search for a new escape route.
    They were stinky and wily and their noses were damp...
    They were shipped of to slaughter thinking they were going to camp.
    Christine says she won't miss 'em at all,
    But me thinks life will be lonely this Fall.

    Ok that totally sucked but Lizzi would be pissed if I deleted it. Plus, maybe you'll feel sorry for my horrible poetry skills and give me a prize. I like prizes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *rolls eyes*

      *grins*

      This was great fun. Poor wee piggies!

      And I like your poem loads, only I had to read it in American, which was weird - took me two tries, but everyone else will understand it first time. *hi-fives*

      Delete
    2. *SNORT* to having to read it in American.

      Delete
  14. Now I'm all into this. And I should be mailing my dad's birthday card, showering, and buying wine.

    If I Only Had a Pig!

    If I only had a pig, I'd love her forever
    because pigs are our friends and bite almost never.

    A pet pig would be my little best friend
    until she grew large, when our friendship would end.

    She'd no longer be cute or cuddly for me
    so I'd instead sell her and eat her, with glee.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Actually this version is better:

    If I Only Had a Pig!

    If I only had a pig, I'd love her forever
    because pigs are our friends and bite almost never.

    A pet pig would be my little best friend
    until she grew large, when our friendship would end.

    She'd no longer be cute or cuddly for me
    so I'd instead sell her and eat her, with fanciful glee.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ohhhhh I love this one so much. And how totally HEARTLESS! Callously, schemingly, deliciously so. That. Is. Amazing :D

      Delete
    2. I almost feel there should be a TToT Bacon post this weekend, where we all share our favourite bacon recipes...

      Delete
    3. See? Kristi, you knocked it way out of the ballpark! Well done, very well done!!

      Delete
    4. Yay!! Kristi joined us!!!!! I knew you'd write something fun! You have described our relationship with the pigs almost perfectly. Except we don't consider them friends. Or pets. Or cuddly. But other than that, perfectly! In rhyme form and everything. Bravo! Bravo!

      Delete
    5. Um that was MY OWN snuggly I wish I HAD a pig version. Because I always wanted a pet pig. Or, well, no. I didn't. I always wanted a pet monkey! But a pig might have been fun.

      Delete
    6. Ooooohhhh. :) I cannot fathom a pet pig being fun. Of course, the thought of a pet monkey creeps me out. So, we definitely have different tastes in pets.

      Delete
  16. Wow....I'm not nearly as imaginative/creative as your other friends. I only think in terms of alcohol but since minors will be judging...I give you "99 Pounds of Pork in the Coop" (sung to the tune of 99 Bottle of Beer on the Wall)

    99 pounds of pork in the coop
    99 pounds of pork
    You take one pig to the butcher in town
    98 pounds of pork in the coop

    98 pounds of pork in the coop
    98 pounds of pork
    You take one pig to the butcher in town
    97 pounds of pork in the coop

    97 pounds of pork in the coop
    97 pounds of pork
    You take one pig to the butcher in town
    96 pounds of pork in the coop

    ......I'm sure you get the gist of it. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. First, thank you for not writing down all 99 verses. :)

      Secondly, Yay! Another poem!! I'm afraid to let the kids judge this one, as they may decide they like it and sing it all the time.

      Thanks for joining in!

      Delete
  17. A poem? How about "Yum. Bacon."
    That's all.
    Glad they're gone, and hope you get a more docile group next time!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Short and to the point. Perfect. :)

      Delete
  18. I think the second poem is definitely a keeper ;D

    ReplyDelete
  19. time, I need time... I will be back... with my piggy rhyme....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ohhhh very clever ;) Kudos to you

      Delete
    2. Look at you, rhyming the comment. I'll be waiting not-so-patiently for your entry...

      Delete
  20. I'm just impressed with the pigs in general. I'm a farm girl and have always been around cattle, but never pigs. Haha. However, they do taste yummy!!

    Here piggy piggy.
    To the butcher you go.
    And then you'll come back as bacon
    I then will be like WOAH!

    Haha - I'm a dork. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahaha! I'm going to have to agree with the dork comment. Which, around here, is a compliment. :)

      Yay Farm Girl! My husband was trying to get me to agree to having some cattle, but they make me nervous. We have pigs die on a regular basis, I'm afraid the Dixie Chopper won't be able to drag a cow out to a pasture.

      Delete

Thank you for taking the time to tell me what you're thinking!