Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Pain I Didn't Know Existed Until I Was Put in Charge of Children

Children are little whirlwinds of torture.

They inflict more pain on their caregivers than Al Capone inflicted on "clients" who owed him money.

OK, that might be an exaggeration, but not a big one.  Kids, by just being kids, hurt adults who do nothing but love and adore them.

I've been injured several times in the last couple of days, and it got me thinking.  There are LOTS of ways kids have hurt me over the years.  (I have been taking care of kids since I was a kid myself.)  Some are just downright astounding.

Things Kids Do to Their Adult Caregivers Which Cause Tremendous Physical Pain

aka the kids I have worked with have done these things to me.

1.  Stomp on the adult's bare toes
2.  Jab his tiny fingernail under the fingernail of the adult who thought she was simply going on a lovely walk while holding hands.
3.  When climbing on chair to get a better look over the adult's shoulder, the child braces herself on the chair, thus pinching and pulling the tiny little hairs at the nape of the adult's neck.
4.  While sitting on adult's lap, fling head back to make direct, excruciating contact with the adult's nose.
5.  Or teeth.
6.  Bite the adult when she tries to dislodge a foreign object from the child's teeth/mouth.
7.  When the adult is lying on his back on the couch, watching TV or taking a nap, the child flings himself onto the adult's stomach in an attempt to nap together.
8.  Or fling himself onto the adult's nether regions.
9.  Jump up for a piggy back ride when the adult is walking from the dining room to the kitchen with an armload of dishes.
10.  Hugging, with incredible strength, the head of an adult.
11.  While hugging the adult's head, leaning in for more emphasis of love, and forcing the adult's head into an abnormal position.
12.  When first learning to name body parts, pokes adult square in the eye while saying "nose".
13.  After learning the song "Wheels on the Bus", honking the horn on the bus goes by punching the adult's nose like someone is cutting the bus off.
14. Child decides he wants to play catch, goes to the adult with whom he wants to play, and simply throws the ball at the adult's face from two feet away.
15.  While at the pool, giving the adult 0.5 seconds notice that he wants the adult to catch him before throwing himself at the adult.
16.  While riding his bike, forgetting how to stop or steer, and simply running into the adult's shins.
17.  While the adult is standing at the kitchen counter, the child reaches up to grab something out of her line of vision, then, when the object gets to the edge of the counter, drops it on her toe.
18.  Punching the adult after the adult jumps out and startles the child.
19.  Driving his big, metal dump truck over the adult's foot, especially when the adult is wearing flip-flops.
20.  While holding hands and walking with the adult, abruptly stopping to scratch an itch on his leg, thus practically pulling the adult's arm out of socket.
21.  When sitting on the adult's lap with a picture book, holding the book up to show the adult one of the illustrations, and shoving the corner of the book directly into her nostril.
22.  While helping the adult stir pancake batter, pulling the spoon out of the batter and hitting the adult in the forehead.
23.  When trying to make the adult's hair pretty, yanking a comb across the adult's scalp.
24.  When adult is on the floor, trying to do some planks, the child attempts to jump over the adult's legs and doesn't quite clear them.
25.  When going in the house, the child beats the adult inside, then slams the door just as the adult crosses the threshold.
26.  When cuddling in bed on an early Saturday morning, the child abruptly rolls over and rams his elbow into the adult's jaw.
27.  When attempting to give the child an unwanted medicine, the child, in an attempt to grab the medicine dropper out of the adult's hand, scratches the adult across the face.
28.  While playing a little game of soccer, the child misses the ball and kicks the adult's shin instead.
29.  While trying to avoid being buckled into a car seat, the child kicks the adult in the gut.
30.  While driving in the van, the child takes off a shoe and hurls it at the driver's head.
31.  When learning how to use scissors, cutting in an uncontrolled manner and slicing the adult who was trying to assist the child.
32.  While in the grocery store, child abruptly steps in front of the cart, causing the adult to abruptly stop and get a cart handle to the gut.
33.  While at the zoo, an older child pushing a younger child in a stroller fails to realize his mother is walking ahead and drives the stroller right into the adult's heel.
34.  When the child is being picked up, the child changes his mind and deadweights, causing the adult's back to bend in a fashion it wasn't made to bend.
35.  When the adult bends over to give the child a kiss, the child jumps and slams his head into the adult's mouth.
36.  After discovering the wonderful sound a play hammer makes, using the hammer on an unsuspecting adult's finger.
37.  Ripping a paper out of an adult's hand, causing the paper to slice across the adult's tender spot between the thumb and pointer finger.
38.  While sitting in church, playing with the adult's wedding ring while it is still on her finger, and jamming the point of the diamond into the adult's ring finger.
39.  While in church, playing with the adult's bracelet, catching a tiny arm hair in the bracket, and ripping the hair out when the child twists said bracelet.
40.  While riding in the stroller, the child unexpectedly drags his feet, causing the stroller to stop abruptly and jab the adult in the gut.
41.  While at church, flip the kneeler down in such a way that it lands directly on the adult's foot, usually on the adult wearing pretty open-toed shoes.
42.  When playing with a doctor's kit, using an unsuspecting adult as the patient, the child tests the adult's reflexes by hitting the adult square in the kneecaps.
43.  Or gives the adult a shot by forcefully shoving the play shot into the soft flesh of the adult's upper arm.
44.  When "playing" baseball, the child misses the first 25 pitches, but connects with the 26th and sends it directly at the adult's face
45.  Or nether regions.
46.  When sitting at the itty bitty preschool table in the itty bitty chairs, the child moves her chair in with a jump so it lands on the adult's foot, causing the adult to jump and bang her knee on that itty bitty table.
47.  When coming across an unfamiliar dog, the child hurls himself in a panic at the adult, then scrambles up said adult, using the adult's waistband as a foothold and the adult's hair as the ropes.
48.  Playing with a remote controlled car, with a complete lack of ability to control the car, sends it careening into the adult's foot/shin (depending on how big the car is).
49.  While the adult is shoveling snow, the child begins a snowball fight by hurling an ice/snow ball directly at the adult's downturned head.
50...

Perhaps, with an instruction book, children should come with protective gear, including steel-toed shoes, a helmet, and a facemask.

You fill in #50.  What has a child in your care done to hurt you?

Have a lovely day!

30 comments:

  1. You have a way with children, my friend. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Though it didn't hurt, I did get thrown up on by a 2yo the first day I worked in a preschool...and she'd had onions in her breakfast. That was kind of fun.

      Delete
    2. I'm sorry, did you say "onions in her breakfast"? It's rare enough to find a child who will eat onions, but to have them in something at breakfast?? Like an omelet?

      And yes, I do have a way with children. Not a recommended way, but a way. :)

      Delete
  2. 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 11, 13, 14, 16, 20, 26, 32, 33, 34, 35, 37, 39, 43, 47, 48, 49

    For a non-parent, I'm not doing too badly I guess!

    I'd like to add

    50. When 'comparing muscles', pinching the adult so hard in her bicep it bruises for a week
    51. When one is being picked up and held, the other suddenly decides they need to as well, sending adult's skeleton into really unnecessary contortions
    53. Leaving the embodiment of their ornery spirit in a scooter, which trips the adult up as she carries it home from school, then, as she falls, swings around on its axis and connects heavily with the back of her ankle, splitting it open
    54. Looking lovingly into the adult's eyes, then getting closer and closer, finally grabbing the adult's head by the ears and pressing the two faces painfully and forcibly together
    55. Kicking the adult in the face, whilst giggling, as she tries to lean down to deliver a goodbye kiss
    56. Waiting until the adult with a sunburned back is crouched down to put shoes on the other kid, then trying to scramble up her back, digging nails in as the adult screams and tries to drag said child OFF of back

    I'm sure other people have more...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How could I forget #51 and #54?!?!? Happens all the daggum time around here!

      Delete
  3. The reason I always push the grocery cart: If a child pushes the cart, said child will inevitably ram the cart into my ankle. (Of course, there is that stopping problem you mentioned in #32, but I'll take my chances.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I also learned that the hard way. Did I not put that in the list? I meant to. Children should never, ever be allowed to push the cart. And whoever started that trend of having child-sized carts at the stores for the kids to push around...he needs to actually shop with a child before he starts something like that!

      Delete
  4. These seem a lot funnier because my kids are grown. I can remember experiencing MANY of them. Do you remember Paul Simon's song, "50 Way to Leave Your Lover"? This should be called "50 Ways to Be A Mother"! Ha ha!

    You need a spa day!

    "Just hop on the bus, Gus! Make a new plan, Stan! Don't need to be coy, Roy! Just listen to me!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great song! Sometimes I'd like to "slip out the back, Jack". :)

      Delete
  5. This is why I drink. It eases the pain of children.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is why I drink? I love it.

    Yes, kids can hurt you very easily. What a list you have here.

    Have a terrific day. ☺

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She is a funny lady!

      It's shocking how quickly and unexpectedly they can cause such colossal pain.

      Delete
  7. Yes to all of the above!
    50. When they just WANT to punch and kick you for fun!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow! And your kids are still little! :)

      Mine don't do it for fun, but they certainly have done hit on purpose. Usually after I've told them no. Unfortunately, I currently have a 4yo who does like to spit on people for fun... It's just a touch annoying.

      Delete
  8. Yup!

    Adding:

    Hitting the adult in the nose with their butts when the adult tries to gently raise the kid (result: bloddy nose)

    Jumping on the adults lap and hitting the adult in the lip (result: bloody lip)

    While still being in utero, kicking the adult in the stomach (result: almost puking out lunch explosively)

    Still love them ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What in the world?? You don't mean a head butt, but a real butt to the face gave you a bloody nose?? Gotta say, that I've never heard of.

      However, the jumping on the lap bit, yes! I missed so many!

      I couldn't even go to the in utero. I'd be here for days. :)

      What's not to love?

      Delete
  9. #50- After enjoying an extra 30 minutes of sleep with my toddler snuggling on me, she often wakes me up with an elbow to my throat and a knee to my pubic bone. Good times.

    Christine, this is hilarious! I was laughing out loud the whole time. I may bookmark this and come back to it when I need a good laugh... :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, those are the worst! Not a good way to wake up. Can't even brace yourself and fend off some of the blow.

      I'm glad you found it amusing. :)

      Delete
  10. LOL Kids are so helpful! I swear they think we are giant playgrounds immune to pain!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They do seem completely shocked when we run from the room with blood dripping down our faces. :)

      Delete
  11. I think the first and biggest pain children bring is child birth. That should be a warning right there. Other than that, I think you've got them all covered!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, that is one very large pain! Of course, many of these injuries occurred before I had given birth to even one child...

      Delete
  12. I...I...I...can not go back there.

    Lol funny although I was cringing (2, 33, 37) so bad that I couldn't finish reading them...owwwww!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! I can only imagine the pain Riley inflicted. Just by the looks of his t-shirts... :)

      Delete
  13. I'm pretty sure #7 happened this morning! :)

    I'm a little intimidated by this list and what's to come!! Haha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry to hear that. Those things hurt!

      May the force be with you. :)

      Delete
  14. Stepping on their Legos, especially in the dark.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH! HOW COULD I FORGET THE TOYS??!?!?!

      Delete

Thank you for taking the time to tell me what you're thinking!