Saturday, April 18, 2015

I'll Understand if You Decide to Skip This One

You say "movement", I say bowel.

Even if you're talking about a prayer movement sweeping the nation, my brain goes straight to poo.

I'm guessing it's because when it comes to poo, I have some experience.

With both human and non.

Unfortunately, it is a part of my life.

A sad, smelly part of my life for over 16 years now.

Today, I'm going to help those of you with less experience. Sometimes, a pootastrophy happens, and you just don't know what to do. I'm hear to help.

Below, you will find scenarios I've lived through, followed by steps on how to best deal with them.

In the middle of a long night of baby crying and spitting up, at 4:00am your baby needs a diaper change. You sleepily un-Velcro the tabs, lift the baby's legs, and hear a pop. Aghast, you watch poo fly. All over the wall. All over the diaper genie. All over the floor.

To do, to do... First and foremost. Cry. Just stand there and cry, because honestly, a poop-covered nursery in the middle of the night deserves it. After the cry, dress the baby, go into your bedroom, wake up your husband, tell him that there is baby poop on the wall, and climb right back into that bed while he takes care of it.

With the spring weather, you are all outside enjoying some fresh air. Unfortunately, someone steps in one of the hundred piles of doggy-do-do that was uncovered when the snow melted.

To do, to do...If the mess is on farm shoes, they are probably covered in chicken and pig poo anyway, so don't even worry about it. Playing in the yard will get most of it off. If a child's school shoes are covered in excrement, scold the child for wearing his school shoes outside, then have him get a stick. He can dig the poo out of the grooves as best he can. Then, use the hose to spray the rest off. Be careful to point the shoes and the water in a way to prevent the poo water from coming back and spraying you in the face. Finally, stuff the shoes with newspaper to facilitate drying.

While doing a puzzle on the floor with your child, he suddenly gets a horrified look on his face and mutters, "I poop-tooted. I tried to toot, but poop got in the way".

Keep the laughter in your head, and when you can finally talk without cracking, reassure the child that it's OK. It happens to most people at least once in their lives. Clean him up, double or triple bag and throw away the messed up underwear, and never speak of it again.

Ok, I'm going to have to pull a Clark and end this post right here. It has taken me 24 hours to get this far, and there ins't much time left for me in the day.

Sorry about that.

The only quick advice I can give is to ask the next question when potty training a child.

When driving home in the car, and your child says he had an accident, ask the next question. Don't assume that by "an accident" he means he wet himself. You really, really don't want to end up with a mess like this:


Have a lovely day!

P.S. I've written about potty training before. It doesn't have anything to do with movements.

28 comments:

  1. Poo may not be funny at the time it happens but your posts about it are absolutely hilarious - I was laughing before I'd finished reading the second sentence! :)

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  2. Thank you. But that's not the answer to my question. How do I get my child to willingly give up his diapers? YOU MUST HAVE THE ANSWERS!!!!!!! YOU MUST!!!!!

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    1. First and foremost DO NOT MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT. He won't be going to school in diapers. Promise. Each morning, calmly offer the choice, and don't be negative if he picks the diaper, but DO make a positive fuss if he picks pants. Make a positive fuss of ALL OTHER THINGS HE DOES, and for diaper changes...no negative, but no positive either - just matter-of-fact, quick and efficient as possible, then praise for the next thing he does well. Just OVERLOAD the praise (in a genuine way - finding things he IS doing well) and hopefully he'll enjoy the positive fuss for everything and realise that PANTS also gets him this lovely, affirming attention.

      I'm assuming he knows when he needs to pee/poop, and can manage his clothes by himself.

      And maybe still in diapers you could offer him lots of opportunities to sit on the potty ANYWAY, and maybe do a star chart or something for pees/poos in the potty, and still let him have the diaper if he wants it, but again, treat that neutrally.

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    2. I had a friend whose 3-year-old daughter refused to potty-train. My friend told her daughter that when she turned 4, she would be using the potty. The girl used the potty at 3-1/2, and was so proud of herself, "I'm 4! I'm 4!" My friend baked a birthday cake, and her little girl was 4 for a year and a half.

      Lizzi's advice is good. :-)

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    3. I know. Sorry Sarah. I hate potty training more than any other parenting task. I don't have a fool-proof plan, as all mine did it a bit differently. There are so many ideas, I didn't feel like I had anything else to add. Lizzi's advice is pretty good. Make sure the underwear being offered as a choice is some that he loves, with his favorite characters on them. Giant learned in one day, since I waited until he was three and everyone knew that once he was potty trained we could go to Disney.

      Kristi, that is hilarious.

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  3. *snorks* Ohhhhh he is NOT gonna like that photo existing when he's older...but he looks SO PROUD!

    Well done you - and er...I just need to know, what kind of haz-mat suit will I need when I MOW the poop-covered lawn?

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    1. No. No he won't. But his family will. :)

      Ha! None. Just wear long sleeves, long pants, a hat, and sunglasses.

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    2. No. No he won't. But his family will. :)

      Ha! None. Just wear long sleeves, long pants, a hat, and sunglasses.

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  4. Bwahahahahahahahahaha. Been there and done that. Oh I can so relate. First it's the kids, then the grand-kids and now we're working on the great grand-baby. Nothing changes where poo is concerned. Love this post.

    Have a fabulous day minus the poo. :)

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    1. Ha! I thought for sure your sentence was going to include your parents after kids and grandkids.
      Glad you liked it.

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  5. Oh, and I linked you to Silly Sunday. :)

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  6. This is hilarious and I have a poop-toot story to share. My dear son - somewhere around aged 10 or 11 - liked to walk up to you and deliver gas your way. My husband always laughed, so he continued this behavior. We where on a jaunt out to Amish country in PA and he was practicing his favorite, "I can make Dad laugh" trick and the poop-toot happened. He went commando the rest of the day.

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    1. Hahahahaha!!!! Poor kid. Although, it was only a matter of time before it happened. :) I'm guessing your husband laughed his full head off when it happened.

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  7. This post was inevitable... too many kids. It was like me doing latrines for L last year when I was learning to live colon free. Some things are a given... a must...

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    1. I suspect it may actually be too many boys for this not to be your P post...

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    2. I suspect it may actually be too many boys for this not to be your P post...

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    3. Honestly, there was no other choice for a word. I've already done the pee one, so...

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  8. Your first scenario cracked me up. I would've so done the same...thankfully I did NOT have to experience this one. Phew.

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    1. Lucky.
      I'm sure you have plenty of other stories, though!

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  9. Uh, I have IBS so I can throw some poo at you too. You may find this amusing. http://agent54nsa.blogspot.com/2013/07/zero-acre-woods.html

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  10. This is hilarious! You are clearly the expert on poo. God bless you, girl!

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    1. Ha! I just hope this isn't the thing I'm remembered for on my tombstone. :)

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  11. So, did I ever tell you about the time the boy in my primary class pooped IN THE URINAL, because he didn't know you weren't supposed to (TOTAL dad fail, and since he's a friend, I've been sure to let him know that, as has his wife)?

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Thank you for taking the time to tell me what you're thinking!