Sunday, September 30, 2012

Potty Training 101. Not Really.

Potty training is the most horrible parental duty.  I can't stand it.  Especially when it looks like this.

I thought I came up with a much better solution this time around.  A solution that did not require me to carry a potty around in the car or force me to spend wasted hours in a bathroom with a toddler.

It was a warm winter, so we were outside a lot.  I encouraged Cuckoo to simply pee outside.  Before we left the house, each and every time, I had Cuckoo pee in the grass next to the van.  And the moment we got home, I had him do it again.  There had been too many accidents on the way into the house, and I have enough laundry.  We live on a farm.  We can't even see another house from our yard.  What could this method hurt?

Well, let me just tell you. 

A few months ago, I was standing in the foyer, calling for someone upstairs, when a naked Cuckoo came streaking by.  Without a word from me, he just ran by, yelling, "I have to go potty!"  He did not run in the direction of the bathroom.  He went straight out the front door, down the steps, and into the grass, where he "made water".

We discussed the fact that peeing outside should only happen when we are already outside.  No need to make a special trip.  The toilet will work just fine. 

The day our best friends surprised us, the friends with four girls, Cuckoo gave those girls an eyeful.  The adults were inside getting dinner ready, when I looked out the window to see Cuckoo with his wet bathing suit around his ankles.   He finished up, but when he went to pull his pants up, the wetness of the suit caused him some trouble.  The suit was stuck around mid-calf.  Before I could get outside to help him, he found a different solution.  He waddled on over to the girls, who were seated in the grass around the corner.  Unfortunately, Buttercup didn't see that he was headed right for them, so he made it all the way up to their circle to show those girls all that God had given him.  They were a bit on the appalled side, and did a bit of horrified giggling.  That startled poor Cuckoo, and he took off at a waddle-run back to the house, jiggling all the way.

We discussed the fact that peeing outside should only happen when the yard doesn't have visitors milling about.

At the end of the spring soccer season, one of Star's teammates had a soccer family pool party.  I was there with all six children.  I was chatting with some friends when they all started giggling and pointing.  There was Cuckoo, on the pool deck, pulling his pants down, readying himself for a big ol' pool contamination.  Fortunately I was able to grab him before any "P" got in the "ool".

We discussed the fact that peeing at anyone else's house was considered rude and unacceptable.

Since then, we have done quite well.  Cuckoo hasn't had one inappropriate peeing incident since then.  He has figured out all of the nuances of peeing outside in a mannerly fashion.

And then, this weekend, Cuckoo lost his mind.  I do believe the cold he got last week weaseled into his brain and infected the area that made him a logical, obedient, personable child.  All that is left is a whiny, argumentative, disobedient oddball.

For example, all weekend long, he kept taking his socks and shoes off to "paint" his toenails with pastel-type crayons.


Heaven forbid we forget the pinky toe!

But the clincher, the one that proved to me that he has taken the train to crazyville, happened at the soccer field.  He was actually behaving quite well, simply sitting and drawing pictures in his notebook.  I was watching the game and not paying much attention to Cuckoo.  Clearly.

I heard him pouring the water out of his water bottle and turned to tell him to stop.  Except it wasn't water, and it wasn't coming out of a bottle.

The child was standing on the sideline of the soccer field with his pants around his ankles.  Bare bummed and a grin on his face, he was actually peeing on the soccer field where Giant's team was playing.  Directly in front of the line of parents.  I couldn't really stop him, so I did the next best thing.  I held my umbrella in front of him. (I always use an umbrella on sunny days, as sunlight causes Lupus flares.)  Completely nonchalantly.  Totally not out of place at all. 

Only problem is, an umbrella can only shield one side of him.  I chose to conceal him from the players.  I figured it was much better for the team if the kids were left completely in the dark. 



The parents were laughing their heads off, as expected. (and I am positive more than one mom peed her pants in the process, which would serve her right for laughing at us)   Only after he was done, and his pants were returned to their natural location did I realize where we actually were.  The parents weren't the only ones lucky enough to witness the field contamination.  I had forgotten that we were on Field 1, which butts up (no pun intended, but now that I typed it, I'm totally keeping it.) to the road.  The main road.  Where traffic is constant.  Perfect. 

I guess we can safely say that I have, in fact, not potty trained Cuckoo.  He's grass trained.  Like a dog.  With no concern for modesty or privacy.

I really should be concerned with this whole peeing in public thing, but I'm having trouble seeing it.  The amount of laundry I don't have to do, because of the number of accidents he didn't have, seriously fogs my appropriateness meter.   It's not all that wrong for a three year old to pee in public, is it?

Although, with this potty training method, I'm probably putting one more tick in the "Redneck" column, aren't I? 

Either way, if at the age of 10, I find him dropping his drawers in the middle of a cross country meet in order to relieve himself, we'll have to talk.  I'll totally make him stop.

Until then, I'm just going to keep my umbrella handy.

Have a lovely day!

29 comments:

  1. That is hilarious! You know, in this age of iPhones, someone probably got it recorded and it'll go viral by the end of the week!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not exactly the way I invisioned becoming famous. Not that I invision being famous or anything.

      Delete
  2. OMG! I was sitting here at lunch reading this and I CHOKED I was laughing so hard! My three-year old son is just as bad! He thinks "standing up" to go means standing on the toilet and aiming into the tub... not the drain, the tub wall right where the soap sits. So, I feel ya sister!

    Julia
    www.momontherunx2.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. Glad you got a laugh, sorry you almost killed yourself in the process. Oh, boys and their tricks. Our bathroom was once a disgusting hot mess when two unnamed boys had a little contest to see who could stand farthest away from the toilet and still make it into the bowl. We discovered that from any distance their aim is terrible. Hopefully, you don't have to actually use the soap he is aiming for.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I seriously just laughed out loud at this! Little boys are so great, I would also be rejoicing about the laundry heap you haven't had to clean. I'm trying to potty train the two year old and I tell him all the time, "pick a tree, a rock, or a bush, I don't care! Just don't make me change your diaper!!" So far no luck with that but he does think pretending to pee is funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Regardless of age, all boys think pretending to pee is funny. Very unfortunate. Good luck with the potty training two year old. May the process be quick, painless, and non-vomit inducing.

      Delete
  5. This is hilarious! My daughter is 27 months and I just started mat leave with my son, so soon I won't be able to put it off any longer and will have to potty train her. Ugh. I doubt there will be any grass training though...that will have to wait for my son's turn.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, grass training a girl would be counterproductive, I'd think. She'd soak her clothes unless you took them completely off, and then she'd just dribble in her shoes. Congrats on the new baby boy!

      Delete
  6. Lol, pretty sure potty training is purely designed to keep us parents humble.:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very, very humble. Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  7. Very funny. My boys always say "see grass, must pee"...oh well! (came from finding the funny)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess it could be worse. What if it was "see fire hydrant, must pee?"
      Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  8. I thought I was already following your blog and that you just weren't posting. Now that I know how much I missed, all else is suspended for the day while I indulge in a bit of mama hilarity. THIS is what motherhood is all about. THIS is why, if couples can have multiple children, they certainly should. I mean, how can a person go through life without these kinds of things to color memories? I have a new potty trainer coming up and I just try not to think about it for now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, most definitely don't think about the potty training until you have to. No need to depress yourself before you need to. Hubby and I were discussing last night how boring our life would be if we had stopped after we had our one boy and one girl. So glad you refound me!

      Delete
  9. That's awesome and made only more hysterical that you had an umbrella handy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was quite fortunate, as the only other things I had were my purse and a fold-up soccer mom chair.

      Delete
  10. So, so funny. And don't worry, you're not a redneck yet. I had a friend over one time (along with several other friends) whose 3 y/o told her he had to pee and she actually TOLD him to pee outside! Now that's redneck!
    Thanks for linking this up with the TALU!

    ReplyDelete
  11. LOL!!! Well we can't claim a tick on the redneck chart, but my brother went through the same thing. My dad let him pee "outshide" and then he always wanted to pee "outshide".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's good to hear that I'm not the only one!

      Delete
  12. BWA-HAHA! I love everything about this post. Maybe one of my all-time favorites. "No need to make a special trip. The toilet will work just fine." "Peeing at other people's houses is considered rude and unacceptable." and "inappropriate peeing incidents" made me laugh the hardest. You have such a way with words. This was hilarious! I may even share it on Twitter, knowing full well that you don't Tweet... ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So glad you enjoyed it. The inappropriate incidents still crack me up.
      Awfully kind of you to share it, if you do. I'll never know. :)

      Delete
  13. These poor kids are going to need therapy when they start reading this blog and realize how many times you have "outed" them for something or other LOL. I think my sister had the same problem with her youngest after spending time with my Dad working on his boat. Men! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd be happy if they simply went to therapy, but I'm afraid they won't. Instead, they will wait until I am old and write their own blogs about how I peed all over them.

      Delete
  14. I have two little girls that I just potty trained int he last two years and found this hysterical. Sorry, but I can't help myself here after all the potty mishaps that we had to get to the point of being pretty much potty trained. #TALU

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Potty training is the worst parenting thing I've had to do. I am so glad to finally be done. So glad.

      Delete
  15. Bahaha! So funny!! Umbrellas are just so handy, aren't they? Yeah, if he's still doing that when he's 10, you are going to have yourself a big ole problem! LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never leave home without one!

      "Problem" would be an understatement.

      Delete
  16. This is brilliant, you're hilarious! 3 Year Old was doing this for a while, but we live in a semi detached so I thought the neighbours may not take too well to this new development. He is adorable and I always say, I have yet to see an grown-up who didn't learn how to "go potty" so I say let him transition into a different method when he's ready. Great post!

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for taking the time to tell me what you're thinking!