Thursday, April 9, 2015

Homework. A Doozy of an H Word.

When Buttercup was in 7th grade, we had this conversation:

Me: I checked your grades and it says you are missing a math assignment.

B: I know. I asked him which problems I was supposed to do, and he hasn't told me yet.

Me: Um, he did his job 3 weeks ago when he assigned the homework. He told you then which problems to do. You chose not to write it down or do them, so it's now on you. Do the entire page.

B: But there are 40 problems!

Me: Well, I guess you'll get plenty of practice for the test then, won't you?

Soon after that, I had a conference with the math teacher, and this assignment came up. I told him what I told her. He was astounded and replied, "I really wish more parents took that stand. I get so many emails from parents asking which problems their children need to do."

In 7th grade.

I have seen it. As a teacher and as a parent, I have seen so many parents taking charge of their children's work. I know they do it thinking they are helping their kids. I know they do it out of love for their kids and their desire for them to succeed. Unfortunately, while it may help a child get a certain grade in that class, it isn't helping the child to prepare to be successful later on in life.

From the beginning, kids should own their homework. It is not my job to stand over them while they do it, making sure they do every problem correctly. It is my job to give them tools in order for them to be successful and to assist them when they come across a problem or assignment they just can't figure out themselves. Some kids need this more than others.

I have three kids who have never had to be reminded to do homework. It's a rare day that they ask me for help. I have no idea what they are doing on any given day.

I have a first grader who would lose his head if it wasn't attached. Oftentimes, he forgets instructions 5 seconds after they are given. I have a teenager who was flunking classes, all because homework wasn't getting done. These two kids need help.

Some ways to help without taking over:

Have a routine. As much as possible, have the same order of events each day. We may not get home after school at the same time every day, but once we are home, we follow the same schedule of do chores, eat snack, do homework. Things aren't forgotten as easily when it's the same every day.

Have a place to do homework and the supplies he needs to do it. Some kids need quiet and separation from the family noise. Other kids like to be in the middle of the activity and can get things done in the midst of it. Figure out how a child does best and figure out a way to give it to him. We have desks situated around the house, and kids that need them use them. Make sure pencils (and a pencil sharpener) and paper are available so he can actually do the assignments.

Give the child a planner and check to make sure he's using it. Both of the schools our kids attend give planners to everyone. If yours doesn't, buy one. I know a lot of schools have homework online now, but the child has more ownership if he writes things down as they are assigned. He (not you) can check the website to make sure he got everything.

When a child says he's done, compare his planner to the assignments he did. It is amazing the difference in attitude a child can have when he knows he has to prove he's done his homework. Simply asking him if he finished isn't enough. (Even good kids lie.) I don't go through to make sure he did the homework correctly, but I do take a glance to make sure he finished all of the problems. This takes all of 45 seconds.

Teach your child how to study. When the kids are little, quizzing your child on his spelling words is normal and helpful. As the child gets older, though, studying needs to be done more on his own. Some kids need to be taught how to study. Making flashcards throughout the chapter, outlining, answering questions at the end of the chapter, taking online practice tests...all can be done without a parent once he knows how. In high school, Phoenix found that doing homework or studying with someone in his class was very beneficial. I agree. Talking through difficult questions oftentimes helps organize thoughts.

We learned one lesson the hard way. Constantly fighting and arguing about homework is nothing but destructive. The conversation that made this very clear for me was another one I had with Buttercup. Phoenix had been on a Boy Scout camping weekend, and she said to me, "I miss Phoenix, but I really don't miss the arguing. It is so much more peaceful when he's not here."

If your child is struggling with homework, find out why. Is the material too hard? Perhaps he's in the wrong class. Is he just too tired? Perhaps he's involved in too many activities. Is he having trouble sitting still? Perhaps he needs a break before or in the middle of homework time. (Give him a timer, so when he takes a break he doesn't forget to go back to the homework!) Does he just want some attention? Play a game or read a book with him before homework time.

But while you are figuring it out, don't turn your house into a war zone, where every night involves a fight over homework. Let it go. After that conversation with Buttercup, we gave up the fighting. Our kids are with us such a short time, and we don't want them to look back on it and remember our home as a place of turmoil.

If you are having trouble with your child regarding school work, let me know. I'll be happy to pray for you.

Have a lovely day!


25 comments:

  1. I was lucky with my son. We did homework the same time every night and it became a way of life. He always did his work and he got good grades. All kids are different though and sometimes the approach is a bit different. Whatever works to get them to get their work done. A lesson they will take through their lives.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

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    1. A child like that is marvelous. I certainly appreciate my three.

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  2. We always had a good routine too and that definitely is the key. Sadly, I maxed out on being able to help with math homework at about 6th grade. Thank Gawd for tutors!

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    1. Ha! Tutors are marvelous. I was a math minor in college, but I've forgotten so much, I am of no use to my teens. Thankfully they are close enough in age to be able to help each other.

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  3. I did a bad job with my son (the oldest), supervising his homework and responsibilities and helping him way too much. I finally stepped back in eighth grade and he sank like a stone. Things didn't get much better until after he graduated from high school (in the bottom 10% of his class). He started over at the Community College and (thankfully) became, responsible and respectful of himself and went on to the University to graduate and achieve. I always wonder if I had taken a back seat earlier, if things would have been different. Did NOT make the same mistake with my daughter. She was totally responsible from day one. You offer some very valuable tips her, Christine.

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    1. Friends of ours went through something similar, except their son had to flunk out of college first semester there before his lesson was learned. He is doing fantastically now. It's a hard thing to do, watching a child fail. But, he learned. That is the most important part. It doesn't matter now when it happened. I'm guessing you're just glad he did learn. :)

      Thanks!

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  4. I so wish you had written this blog post about 25 years ago.. I sure could have used it and now I'm going to share the heck out of this post because I think other parents would benefit from reading this and making the changes if they need to. Excellent, excellent post!

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    1. If only the internet existed back then... :)

      Well thank you, Mimi! I hope it helps someone.

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  5. Great stuff to have on hand for my future and however many kiddos happen to grace it! We are planning to homeschool at this point and I think the concept of teaching my children to "own" their school work will need to be something I keep at the front of my mind.

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    1. Absolutely. These things work no matter where a child is taught. Ownership of his work is the key part.

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  6. As a teacher: College students need these things too, especially because no one is checking them anymore, but if they were never taught how to be responsible about homework earlier, they just flunk all over the place, expecting the professor to help them pass the class... :D

    @TarkabarkaHolgy from
    Multicolored Diary - Epics from A to Z
    MopDog - 26 Ways to Die in Medieval Hungary

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    1. Very true!! I have heard all sorts of stories about college kids struggling and even then parents swooping in, calling professors. Kids need to learn before they get there.

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  7. somewhere around sixth grade I was ready to give it up but I had held a hard line up to then and kept it and I dont regret it. My kiddo would not have completed high school never mind college if it were up to him and if we werent vigilant in checking and rechecking... never ever would I call the teacher for his assignments... like you said... it was on him... I have to say knowing when I could no longer help with the work he was doing was also imperative. It totally stopped the arguing ... we didnt figure it out until sixth grade... ie... got him a tutor for math in the sixth grade... sadly... I cant do math... oh well... wow, apparently not great at sentence structure either... this comment is a wreck!

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    1. Hahaha!! I'll give you a pass on the writing this time. :)

      It takes some kids way longer to get the concept of the importance of doing the assigned homework. Tutors are so helpful, as it takes you out of the picture and seriously helps cut down on the arguing.

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  8. up until fairly recently (maybe a couple of years ago) I used a 7 Day Lesson Planner for my work… I still like that format, not only see what needs to be done, but what the time context for it's completion is… at a glance (I think that's the product slogan)
    good advice… especially the thing about establishing a reliable and solid routine for doing the homework… must save tons of decision hours.

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    1. Routines are awesome. There is no need to discuss the schedule. Everyone knows what is expected and just does it.

      I could not live without a calendar. I like to see the month out in front of me, even if I only plan by day, and then by hour and minute, because the schedule never stays the same as the calendar says it should.

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  9. Great post! I really believe that kids need to be responsible for their actions (or lack thereof) at a young age. At a young age, most of the "bad" decisions they make (like not doing homework) have relatively minor consequences. At an older age, if they haven't learned that decisions can have negative consequences, the stakes of a bad decision are much higher.

    Shelly, blogging at www.nebraskafamilytimes.blogspot.com with the theme "Words Matter" and www.achristianmomsguide.blogspot.com with the theme "Lifehacks for Christian Moms."

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    1. Thank you! Exactly! I would much rather have them learn the consequences when they aren't significant in relation to their future lives.

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  10. I am so proud of my child.

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  11. As a veteran of the homework wars, I can attest to how good your advice is. And if you stand your ground on it, you DO win. It's for your kids' own good.

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  12. Yes! At my last school we supplied the planners and the instruction on how to use them! Nothing like writing HW assignments yourself! But still so may parents didn't check it had to have the principal reinforce the importance of the home system. Argh!

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  13. Our school district supplies planners for kids from, I think, 3rd grade through 8th grade, and the teachers have planner checks where they make sure the kids are writing down assignments. A parent had to sign the planner, too; sometimes daily, sometimes weekly. Depended on the teacher, I guess, because I did both.
    That being said, Kyle STILL had to be pushed like a wet noodle to get his work done. I had to check the parent portal on the district website constantly to make sure he didn't have outstanding assignments. About his junior year, he finally kicked it (partially) into gear, and I could (mostly) let up on him. Somehow, he managed to graduate second in his class of nearly 500 (SOMEHOW?!) Now he's in college, where parents get ABSOLUTELY ZERO ACCESS OR INFORMATION UNLESS IT'S TO PAY THE COLLEGE MONEY, and I can only hope my years and years and YEARS of hounding him have paid off. They seem to be, as far as we know....

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