Sunday, November 24, 2013

I Was Smited. In Front of 800 People. It Had Nothing to Do With Chickens or Pigs.

We sit in the front of church each and every week.  We always have.  There is nothing worse for a kid than being in a gigantic room full of people, knowing something is going on in the front of the room, and being unable to see it.  Sitting in the back, all we would hear are extremely whiny, "I can't seeeeeee."  So, in the front we sit.

I know parents are afraid to sit in the front of church, because what if the kid misbehaves?

I say, "What is the worst that can happen?  The kid throws a fit and you leave."  Every parent in the place has been in your shoes, and only one or two heartless people will judge.

I apologize to any and all young parents to whom I gave this advice.

A temper tantrum is most certainly NOT the worst thing that can happen.

We went to 5:00 Mass on Saturday night, with plans on going out for my birthday dinner afterwards.  As usual, we were as close as we could get to the front of church.  The 4th pew to be exact.

COW was down at one end of the pew.  Cuckoo was on his lap, and four kids were in between us.

At a nice, quiet point in Mass, right after the first reading (to non-Catholics, this would be about 10 minutes into the service) Cuckoo coughed.  It was a cough that you just knew had all sorts of phlegm behind it, and he choked a bit.  It was an awful sound that echoed throughout the 800 person audience.

He looked to COW with a pitiful face and croaked, "It made me choke."

He then got off COW's lap and started to make his way towards me.  At his third step, he gave a roar of sorts, then spewed vomit all over the floor.

Did you catch that????  The boy puked.  At church.  In the 4th pew from the front. 

Simultaneously, the following things occurred:

- COW actually tried to stop the flow of vomit by covering Cuckoo's mouth. 
- The thought, "What the hell am I supposed to do with this situation?" flittered through my head.
- a horrified Buttercup (because, really, calling any attention to a 13 year old girl sitting with her parents is bad.  Attention being called because her brother upchucked all over the church is just plain mortifying.) slid as far down the pew as she could, head bowed into her lap.
- Turken cried, "He threw up in my coat!" approximately 24 times
- Star pointed out that a few drops of vomit landed on his leg and could he please have something to clean it
- Giant and Phoenix tried hard to hide their laughter behind cringes of disgust.  They were disgusted with the vomit being so close, but laughing because...well...they are boys, and that scenario is just plain hilarious to boys.
- A dear woman I've known for years and years (and was actually Phoenix and Buttercup's preschool teacher) pulled two handmade dishrags she had shown me just 15 minutes earlier out of her purse, (She had just, and I mean JUST, bought them at the church's "Different Kind of Giving Market"*) and with sadness in her eyes said, "Use these."
- Approximately 300 Kleenex from 40 tissue packs were thrown at us from every direction by the many elderly ladies surrounding us.

I did what I could with the Kleenex and handmade dishrags, but it wasn't enough.  I left church in search of cleaning supplies, cursing our OCD janitor for not allowing paper towels in the bathrooms.  In the hall, I came across COW and Cuckoo.  He had found some paper towels, so I grabbed them and went down that long aisle while everyone sat listening to the second reading. 

I was working on the cleanup, when I realized I had nothing to put the nastiness into.  Back down the aisle and in search of a plastic bag I went.  The trash cans all had huge liners with no extras underneath.  I finally found some donations waiting to be picked up, all in little grocery bags.  I emptied one of the grocery bags and took it back down the long aisle to finish cleaning up the mess.  Thankfully, my dishrag friend was there getting the last of the puke cleaned up.   I took the bag of puke (and her lovely handmade dishrags) back down the aisle to dispose of the bag, clean off Turken's coat, and wash my hands.

I ran into COW and Cuckoo again, and stopped to see how Cuckoo was doing.  The dear boy, as he sat on a bench, swinging his feet and bouncing around, asked me, "Can I go run around in the grass outside?"

He was just fine, but they stayed in the hall just in case.

I went back into church to participate in the rest of Mass.

Thankfully for us, the priest was losing his voice, so there was no long homily, and we were out of there in record time.

Before we could leave, we headed over to the gym to buy some dishrags to replace my friends' sacrificial cloths.  No less than 5 people, who had been scattered around the church, stopped to ask, "Did one of your kids throw up?  We heard the initial, tell-tale blah, then saw a flurry of activity around you." 

Thankfully, no one outside of a 4 pew radius had to hear the splat as the vomit hit the ground.  Or witness the "one in a million, Doc." hit Turken's coat took.  The coat had been on Turken's lap, and that spew went right down the sleeve, shoulder to wrist. 

Unfortunately, I am to blame for the entire fiasco.

The last three weekends, COW and I had to go to different Masses.  The little boys were with me for all of them.  Let's just say, I didn't get to hear much of the last three Masses. 

Seconds before the upchuck, I thought, "Ha!  Finally.  COW gets to wrestle the boys while I relax and listen to the readings." 

Lightening would have hurt innocent people.  This was a much better way for God to smite me.

Point taken.  Lesson learned.

Have a lovely day!

*It seems "smited" isn't a word.  It's supposed to be smote.  But who ever heard that word?  No one will know what I'm getting at if I use "smote".  Just so you know, in the future, I will use the word "smote".  'Cause now you know.

56 comments:

  1. Well that was an exciting mass. Try sitting in the back next time. Less travel.

    Thanks for the laughs and I'm glad he's okay. ☺

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    1. It certainly was. I think we'll still sit in front. Surely, it can't happen to the same family twice in a lifetime. ;)

      He is just fine, thanks.

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  2. I read your FB post to my husband ...after we had ourselves a chuckle or two (sorry...when it's not happening to you, it is sort of funny) I said to him, "I would much rather my kid threw up at Burger King than church!" (<--yes, it happened!) and he agreed.

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    1. It is funny when it's not happening to you. Although, I laughed about it, too, as we cleaned up. Laughing is better than crying.

      If only I could say this was the only public puking we've had. A few years ago, Star felt like he had to throw up while we were at a restaurant. He got up to run outside (we were sitting quite close to the door), but didn't make it. Instead, there was vomit all over the door, the floor inside the restaurant, and the floor in the little foyer area between the two doors. People kept opening the outside door to come in the restaurant, then encountering a massive vomit mess. Our food arrived just after Star jumped up. We sat and ate while watching the staff clean up our son's insides and new customers make the decision to walk through the disaster or not.

      We've never gone back to that restaurant to test them. We probably wouldn't be allowed back.

      I would now like to hear about your Burger King fiasco.

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  3. Never, ever ask, "What's the worst that could happen?" Hope next week's mass is vomit-free!

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    1. I usually ask that question whenever making a decision. If I can deal with the worst case, I feel better about doing whatever it is I was debating to do. Unfortunately, I never came up with this scenario in my ideas of "worst thing that could happen".

      Let's hope next week AND ALL OTHER WEEKS are vomit-free. :)

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  4. Oh my. :( The thought of COW trying to cover Cuckoo's mouth made me smile. I remember G would try and "catch" the boys' vomit IN HIS HANDS while I gagged and dry-heaved in the corner. Haha!

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    1. I talked to him later about it, and he had no recollection of even doing it. How in the world is reaching into vomit a reflex?

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  5. You handled it well, and I'm glad you had so many supportive people around you.

    Hate those times of smiting. Not sure it really works like that, but it sure does feel personal sometimes! Perhaps you were just getting something really good out of it, and that was deemed time for an interruption.

    Wishing you a week of no-more-vomit. And thanks for sharing the horror ;)

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    1. Thanks. It was nice to have so many helpful people. They even were kind enough to shake our hands at the sign of peace. At the end, one woman I'd never seen before made a point of telling me what a beautiful family we had. I love our church.

      I doubt it works like that, either. Just a coincidence. I hope. Not going to test it, though. :)

      Thanks for the well-wishes. He threw up again when we got home, but since then, he's been the picture of good health.

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    2. They're definitely hardcore over at your church! Wow! I would definitely have been giving the sign of peace elsewhere or whistling and turning my eyes to the ceiling!

      Glad he's been a bit better since. Hope he stays that way! And...that the rest of you don't catch whatever it was he had!

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    3. At peace time, I just turned around and asked, "Anyone crazy enough to shake my hand?" They all smiled and took me up on it.

      He is eating normally, usually. I got a little worried yesterday when he didn't want his lunch, or even a piece of candy. He's eating breakfast now, though, and hasn't been up coughing for two nights. Crossing my fingers...

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  6. I agree with Lizzi. You handled it very well, and like her I doubt that you are to blame!

    I've never had to deal with anything quite like that, but my younger daughter did got through a phase of puking in swimming pools when she was little. It was interesting to see the different ways the staff handled it - at some pools they just fished it out with a net and no more was done, but in others the pool closed completely.


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    1. Thank you!

      Oh my word. Puking in the pool was a PHASE?!?!? I don't know if I could have gone back to the pool after she did it a second time. I don't know which would be worse...to be swimming in a pool where puke was fished out, or told I can't swim anymore because someone puked in the pool. Either way, poor you and your daughter.

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  7. This is awesome!!!!!!! And may I add, that only a good Catholic would actually go back to mass after that fiasco. A sinner Methodist like me would cut my losses and find the nearest bar and start washing that memory away!

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    1. Glad you liked it. Awesome may be a bit strong a word for the person cleaning it up, though. :)

      Hahahaha!! I had a conversation in my head about what I should do. Pull everyone out, even though he seemed to be fine? In the end, I decided I needed the peace and quiet church afforded me. Leaving meant dealing with loud, hungry, and potentially sick kids.

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  8. Ok I know it wasn't funny at the time, but you wrote about it so funnily (is that a word?) I suppose church is a great place, if we have to rank them, to have a child vomit in public, because you'll have a lot of supportive people around you! And is being smote like lightening, it won't happen in the same place twice??? Hope all are healthy now!

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    1. Great point! Public puking isn't good, but at church isn't as bad as it could be.
      I think we'll keep sitting in the 4th row, just to be safe.
      We have one child with a cold. Other than that, all is well. Thanks.

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  9. Wow. I don't have kids but that sounds like something that would happen to me, when I borrow my friends kids. I am glad you made it out.

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  10. ours went like this... It was one of those moments in church that is deathly quiet....it is at this moment the boy decides to say at the top of his lungs oh my god when are they turning on a fan its hotter than hell in here! And then he puked everywhere. It was like Linda Blair on a bad day. Prior to that he had .never said a bad word, but he definitely follow that one up with a chaser

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    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This made me laugh so hard. At least mine didn't swear before he let it fly. :)

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    2. Oh yeah...nuttin but pure class from the likes of us!

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  11. Oh, you are so right that you have to laugh...if you don't, you'll cry. That is exactly what the Fab Hub and I did when Kidzilla projectile pooped all over her bedroom on the first night we both went back to work after she was born. It was horrendous. Epic. I finally got the courage to post it not too long ago...the poop part was worth sharing, but I wasn't sure about the nakedness involved.

    So sorry that happened - how awful, really. I am the worst at cleaning up puke - I'm a sympathy puker. Thank God it wasn't my kid or it would've been double for us. You are a brave soul, clearly, to have pranced back and forth up and down the aisle. I would have crawled under a pew.

    Here's to a puke-free Mass this week!

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    1. Oh, the nastiness kids can throw at you. Or all around you, as the case may be. Haha! Nakedness may be considered TMI. :)

      I can't believe no one else was gagging. Although, my friend who was helping me did say, "Wow, it doesn't even smell bad." Guess that's something to be thankful for. You wouldn't have crawled under the pew. That's where the puke was. :)

      Here's to puke-free Masses for the rest of my life!

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    2. Yes, perhaps a little TMI, but if you read the story, it's totally worth it. :)

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  12. My son was two and a half and strapped in his 5-point harness car seat when he kept talking about how he wished these hiccups would go away (and he didn't have the hiccups). Shortly thereafter, he spewed all over himself. Soaked every stitch he was wearing, soaked the car seat, the floor of the car. We were in my parents' car driving down a 2-lane country road with no shoulder. My dad pulled into the ditch and I stripped him down in knee-high grass and weeds. Fun times.

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    1. Oh, those car pukes are HORRIBLE!!!! We have dealt with those too many times to count. Star used to get horribly car sick. Every time we would go out of town, within half an hour there was vomit all over the car. It's happened a few times with Turken, too. Awful stuff.

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  13. Oh my gosh, so funny, but I know, not to funny! I had a baby puke in church once. You just can't hold vomit in your hand. Life with kids...it's the best, isn't it?!?!

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    1. If I didn't laugh about such things, I would be crying my entire life.
      "You just can't hold vomit in your hand" should be on a T-shirt.

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  14. Congratulations... you may now skip purgatory and go straight to the pearly gates when you die...LOL! I knew the content of your post as soon as I read the title. I just knew. God bless you!

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    1. Woohoo!!
      Of course you did. Has it happened to you?

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  15. Oh how horrible. Your puking kid at Mass totally beats the horrific temper tantrum my two year old displayed while I carried her in line for communion this Sunday. And you know the tantrum was every bit as bad as you hoped it didn't appear when the following day at daily Mass Father mentions it to you as he blesses the now calm toddler. Um...thanks for remembering.

    Honestly, I've had a few times where I've wondered just how you're supposed to handle the my kid just vomited during Mass scenario. Now I know, and I will continue to pray that I never have to.

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    1. Ha! Those tantrums down the aisle always make me laugh (when it's someone else's kid). My favorites are the kids who are being carried out during a quiet part of Mass, when we're all sitting, scream the entire way, "I WANT DAAAAADYYYYYY!!!" Good times.

      Yes, pray. Plus, carry a roll of paper towels and a trash bag in your purse at all times.

      Thanks for stopping by the blog!

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  16. Oh no!! I'm so sorry, Christine, but this made me laugh our loud! If it had happened to me, I would definitely not be laughing, but the way you wrote about it was just too funny. And in front of 800 people!! Just as an aside, that's awesome that you have so many people attending your church. I also love Melody's comment and totally agree :) And 'smote' is a word? I think that should definitely be voted out of the English language! xx

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    1. I'm glad you are laughing about it. Something good needs to come from the horror. :)
      We have one of the largest parishes in the area. There are 5 Masses over the weekend, and all have a good size attendance. (Well, I know 4 do. I've never been to the 7:00am Sunday Mass. That's just crazy.)
      Woohoo! If two of you say so, it must be true!

      It is a word. Past tense of smite. I didn't like it at first, but it's growing on me. I'm going to try to fit it into conversations with the kids and see how it goes. :)

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  17. LOL!! I'm sorry, that's not funny. That's a miserable experience, but I laugh because I've had so many similar ones. You earn your place in heaven as a mom, eh? =)

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    1. Ah, go ahead and laugh. If I didn't laugh about such things, I would lose my mind.

      I shall see you in heaven! :)

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  18. I'm sorry that this happened to you, but I can't lie when I say I was laughing throughout. Maybe it's the way you described it. But I have to say if that happened near me in church, I would have had to leave because I would have cracked up. I would have felt totally bad, but ya know...

    Years down the road, hopefully you can all look back on it and laugh. :)

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    1. You wouldn't be alone. I later learned, there were plenty of people laughing behind us.

      It will be a family story, told at Thanksgivings far into the future, for sure. Of course, by the time the kids are grown, the story will grow to where the puke actually hit the priest. :)

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  19. Oh NO! Sounds like the WORST possible church-puke scenario EVER!
    But this did make me laugh a little...

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    1. It wasn't pretty, to say the least.
      From what I heard after Mass, it made plenty of people laugh a little. Laugh on. :)

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  20. I wasn't sure if I wanted to say that this made me laugh out loud but it did. Just the way you told it, though. The actual situation is horrible and I'm sorry that it happened to you. Between this and the chicken in the tree....I don't know...farm life is never boring? Hope your little one is feeling better! Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

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    1. Never, ever boring around here.
      He was just fine, and was able to completely gorge himself on cookies on Thanksgiving.

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  21. I trust someone has already done the joke, "please turn and puke on the person to your right, then turn and…." (been a while, I hope I got the wording of the official command to be friendly, correct).
    I would love to have been a chicken on the wall… your scottian aspect is clearly evident in your account of the clean up… and I have no doubt that there was not the slightest chance of anyone in that church expressing disapproval. Even in church, people value their lives and a scott in emergency mode…ain't gonna happen.
    I'll go out on a limb and bet that the woman with the towels, was a clark.

    Have a good Thanksgiving and such

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    1. No, you would be the first. :)
      You make me smile, saying a chicken on the wall. No, I can't imagine anyone would have disapproved. Especially since the other kids behaved so well as I was running up and down the aisle. Now, if only they would have cleaned it for me...
      You would be correct. I think.

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  22. Wow!! I wish I could've been there to see that show... and of course, help you all out with the aftermath!! You have proven that a temper tantrum is definitely NOT the worst possible thing that can happen from bringing children to the front row at church!! I woke up early and had to come down to the computer room and read more of your blog about my nieces and nephews!! Since you guy live so far away these help me feel closer to them since I can read about what they and you do and go through!! I'm so happy an thankful that you write this blog!!! :)) XOXO

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    1. For real?? Well, this comment just put a big ol' smile on my face.

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  24. I don't even know what to say. I have been a little out of the blogosphere and I'm sorry for that, and this is a perfect example a to why! I miss these truths of yours. And I like the word smote, although my auto correct wants to make it s'more! Haha. :)

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  25. Ah, we all get busy or bored with blogging. No need to apologize.
    Ha! That's funny. One, that auto correct doesn't know the word. Two, that it does know s'mores. :)

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Thank you for taking the time to tell me what you're thinking!