I long for the days when well-baby checkups were easy.
I would love to go back to the days when I was in control of the information the doctor received.
Basically, I like our medical professionals to believe we are clean, civilized people. My children, on the other hand, are bound and determined to let all MDs know we are as redneck as they come.
For example, one year, when the nurse told one child to take off his clothes down to his underwear, the child said, "I don't have any underwear on."
I don't know if that was better or worse than the child who showed up to his check-up with underwear so full of holes the doctor actually laughed.
This physical evidence is bad enough. The stress of the questions, though, keeps me on the edge of my seat.
A good doctor, apparently, is required to ask the child all sorts of questions while the parent sits by, quietly but fervently praying for the child to answer correctly.
Do you eat a lot of different, healthy things and drink your milk? Say yes. Please say yes.
Do you know the alphabet? Oh, for sure you'll show off your mad ABC skills.
Do you always wear sunscreen? Always???!!! Does anyone ALWAYS wear sunscreen??
Can you ride a bike? Are you still using training wheels? Do you wear a helmet?? Crap. We live on a farm! They don't go on the road!
Do you have trouble going to the bathroom? Are you going to tell her you thought you pooped your pants today? Huh? And then when I checked and said, "No you didn't. It was just a toot." you argued and said, "No, I saw it when I looked in my pants." Gonna tell her that?? Please don't.
It's in these moments that I really want the children to lie. I know I've told them over and over and over that lying is unacceptable. Lying only causes more problems. Blah, blah, blah. I really should have put in a caveat when I put that rule in place.
Don't lie, but it's OK to lie to a doctor when Mom is in the room. Just make Mama look good.
I thought I had some hope with the kids learning this lesson on lying when Phoenix was little. At a dental visit, the hygienist was going to brush his teeth and asked which flavor paste he wanted. When she opened the strawberry he had requested, he told her, "That's not strawberry. Strawberries are red and that is pink." When no amount of logic would work on the woman, he pulled out the big guns and said, "Oh, I forgot. I gave strawberries up for Lent." It was September.
Unfortunately, that's the only time one of my kids has ever lied to a medical person.
Today, Cuckoo had his 4 year check-up. In case you're wondering, he's in the 25th percentile for height and the 50th percentile for weight. The perfect size if your lifelong dream is to be a Wobble.
He did very well for the entire appointment. He sat on that table all smiles, doing everything the doctor asked. He took a deep breath, he let her look in his ears, he looked at the spot on the wall while she checked his eyes. When she checked his reflexes, his foot jumped. When she told him to walk across the room, so she could check his back, he skipped. Not only was his underwear hole-free, it was clean.
And when he answered the doctor's plethora of questions, he didn't throw me under the bus.
Do you eat a lot of different, healthy things and drink your milk? Yes.
Do you know the alphabet? Yes. Can you spell your name? Yes.
Do you always wear sunscreen? Yes.
Can you ride a bike? Yes. Are you still using training wheels? Yes. Do you wear a helmet?? Yes.
Do you have trouble going to the bathroom? No.
Doctor: Do you brush your teeth?
Doctor: In the morning and before bed?
Cuckoo: Yes. Except when Dad won't let me brush at night.
I think COW felt the force of that bus all the way downtown.
Have a lovely day!