Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Don't Lie, Children, Unless You Are Being Interrogated by the Doctor.

I long for the days when well-baby checkups were easy.

I would love to go back to the days when I was in control of the information the doctor received.

Basically, I like our medical professionals to believe we are clean, civilized people.  My children, on the other hand, are bound and determined to let all MDs know we are as redneck as they come.

For example, one year, when the nurse told one child to take off his clothes down to his underwear, the child said, "I don't have any underwear on."

I don't know if that was better or worse than the child who showed up to his check-up with underwear so full of holes the doctor actually laughed.

This physical evidence is bad enough.  The stress of the questions, though, keeps me on the edge of my seat.

A good doctor, apparently, is required to ask the child all sorts of questions while the parent sits by, quietly but fervently praying for the child to answer correctly.

Do you eat a lot of different, healthy things and drink your milk?  Say yes.  Please say yes.
Do you know the alphabet?  Oh, for sure you'll show off your mad ABC skills.
Do you always wear sunscreen?  Always???!!!  Does anyone ALWAYS wear sunscreen??
Can you ride a bike?  Are you still using training wheels?  Do you wear a helmet??  Crap.  We live on a farm!  They don't go on the road!
Do you have trouble going to the bathroom?  Are you going to tell her you thought you pooped your pants today?  Huh?  And then when I checked and said, "No you didn't.  It was just a toot." you argued and said, "No, I saw it when I looked in my pants."  Gonna tell her that??  Please don't.

It's in these moments that I really want the children to lie.  I know I've told them over and over and over that lying is unacceptable.  Lying only causes more problems.  Blah, blah, blah.  I really should have put in a caveat when I put that rule in place.

Don't lie, but it's OK to lie to a doctor when Mom is in the room.  Just make Mama look good.

I thought I had some hope with the kids learning this lesson on lying when Phoenix was little.  At a dental visit, the hygienist was going to brush his teeth and asked which flavor paste he wanted.  When she opened the strawberry he had requested, he told her, "That's not strawberry.  Strawberries are red and that is pink."  When no amount of logic would work on the woman, he pulled out the big guns and said, "Oh, I forgot. I gave strawberries up for Lent."  It was September.

Unfortunately, that's the only time one of my kids has ever lied to a medical person.

Today, Cuckoo had his 4 year check-up.  In case you're wondering, he's in the 25th percentile for height and the 50th percentile for weight.  The perfect size if your lifelong dream is to be a Wobble.

He did very well for the entire appointment.  He sat on that table all smiles, doing everything the doctor asked.  He took a deep breath, he let her look in his ears, he looked at the spot on the wall while she checked his eyes.  When she checked his reflexes, his foot jumped.  When she told him to walk across the room, so she could check his back, he skipped.  Not only was his underwear hole-free, it was clean.

And when he answered the doctor's plethora of questions, he didn't throw me under the bus.

Do you eat a lot of different, healthy things and drink your milk?  Yes.
Do you know the alphabet?  Yes.  Can you spell your name?  Yes.
Do you always wear sunscreen?  Yes.
Can you ride a bike?  Yes.  Are you still using training wheels?  Yes.  Do you wear a helmet??  Yes.
Do you have trouble going to the bathroom?  No.

And then...

Doctor:  Do you brush your teeth?
Cuckoo:  Yes.
Doctor:  In the morning and before bed?
Cuckoo:  Yes.  Except when Dad won't let me brush at night.

I think COW felt the force of that bus all the way downtown.

Have a lovely day!

26 comments:

  1. omg, that's so me too! Especially with my 9yo, he's been oversharing at the doctor lately. it's very embarrassing...ugh.

    Btw, I realize you might be beaten down by these at this point, but I just adore you and had to put your name on my nominees list for an award. :) If you don't want to do anything with it, no pressure here. The post will be up by morning.

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    1. We never had too much trouble with oversharing, since all our boys are ridiculously shy. Our daughter and Cuckoo, though, are letting it all hang out. I think they get a kick out of making us look bad.

      Thank you!!!! I've read it and will respond soon.

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  2. I love that your kids go commando at such an early age. Oh, and Phoenix might be headed toward a career in politics with that lent line. Quick thinkin' on his feet that one!!!

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    1. Of course you do. ;)
      Phoenix certainly has a gift. I just hope he uses it for good someday.

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  3. I remember those days! It will continue as they grow and the questions only become more interesting...especially with teens.

    The same sort of sharing goes on at school as well and as a school nurse, I've encountered ALL sorts of underwear issues! :) I find young kids like to go commando and some children are VERY particular about the style they will and will not wear.

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    1. We've seen glimpses of it with our daughter. I'm thinking it is going to be one rocky ride.

      I don't want to imagine the things you hear and see as a school nurse. Being a teacher brings enough info for my taste. :) We once had to tell a family to put underwear on their child every day because he wore jeans he couldn't snap himself. I don't need to see that much at 9:30 in the morning.

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  4. Bwahahahahahahaha. Yep, kids can say the funniest things. Then can also embarrass you beyond words. Bless their hearts.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

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    1. I continue to hug and kiss them in public to pay them back for all the embarrassment they caused me. :)

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  5. Just when you thought you'd made it through... I so relate. My particular favourite was a physical rather than verbal comment. My daughter fell and gouged her knee. Lots of embedded pebbly bits. Took her to clinic for quick clean the next day. After remaining stoically quiet while doc scrubbed harder and harder and praised her with endleess "my but you are brave", my poor gal turned and upchucked all over the doc. Not one drop hit the floor. Ooops.

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    1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Your poor doctor!! And your poor daughter.

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  6. Ohhhh the boy is priceless :) At least YOU looked good ;)

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    1. He certainly is. Exactly. Who cares what COW looks like. :)

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  7. This is SO true! My SIXTEEN year old still makes me nervous at the doctor's (not that I go in with him for check-ups anymore) But recently had to go in for wart removal ...and something else that I can't remember.... Keenan will bring up stuff that you just don't say unless you want the doctor to order a PET scan and full on blood work ...and $1,000 later! I'm screaming in my head, "Ssshhhh, it's nothing!" But, once he tells the doctor it's "out there" and the dr thinks he needs to check it out. He has another wart removal (second time on this same place!! If it comes back after this, I am having that toe amputated!!!!) next week, I need to prep him for the question/answering session.

    But, I totally got this whole post... the whole time the dr is asking questions I'm screaming the "right" answers in my head in hopes the child can hear me by subliminal messaging...

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    1. Yes!! Why does it take so long to learn the art of keeping your mouth shut??
      Good luck with the wart issue. Sounds nasty.

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  8. I can ALWAYS count on you to start my day off laughing out loud and smiling til my cheeks hurt. Wobble. Baaahaaahaaa!

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    1. Hahahaha!! One of my favorite things about you is you always manage to find my favorite part of a post and comment on it. After I turned the computer off, I thought, "It's not a Wobble! It's a Weeble that wobbles!" And yet I kept it in, because I liked the sound of it. :)

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  9. Ha. In first grade, I told the teacher I had pancakes and apple juice for breakfast, thinking it would be good. She explained I was missing dairy and meat. I came home, and my Mom told me that she and my aunt learned that whenever a teacher asks you to log your meals you make up very healthy meals so that you get a good grade.

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    1. That is hysterical!!! Partly because I ask my preschoolers all the time what they had for breakfast and get on their cases a bit if they don't include fruit or milk. :)
      And you bring up a very good point. After the things my kids have said and written, I really should tell them to lie to their teachers sometimes, too.

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  10. So true. At my daughter's last checkup, the doctor asked her what her favorite foods were. She said, pizza and mac and cheese. why can't they ask, what do you usually have for dinner? I was so embarassed!

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    1. Fabulous point!!! It's not us, it's the doctor's questions!!! They should be teaching THAT in medical school.

      Of course, Cuckoo would probably answer, "Soup. And I don't like soup. So I don't get to eat."

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  11. I take it the marker came off--otherwise the doctor wouldn't have had to ask the ABC question.

    Whether a Weeble or a Wobble, Cuckoo sure is cute!

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  12. My kids are the total opposite at the doctor's office. They clam up completely, and I'm left answering for them, while they sit there slack-jawed. And I'm sure the doctor thinks I've told them to let me do the lying, I mean, the talking, but in reality, I tell them before we go in to speak when spoken to and lambaste them the minute we walk out the door for sitting there like bumps on a pickle.

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