Thursday, April 11, 2013

Jealousy

The green-eyed monster.

What a pointless, toxic emotion.

I don't usually let myself fall into the jealousy pit.  For one, I have been blessed beyond measure and have no business belittling those blessings by wishing for something "better".  (Really, what is it about alliteration that grips me so?)  Secondly, I have been around this world long enough to know that everyone has a story.  For all I know, the one thing I see that I want could have come at a very high price for that person.

As much as I know this, and as much as I fight it, I have been feeling mighty jealous these days. 

Everywhere I turn, people are having babies.  Pregnant women and newborns are practically (not literally) flinging themselves at me.  I'm praying.  I'm making dinners.  I'm buying groceries.  I'm buying cute little outfits.  All with a smile, because I really am happy for every single couple welcoming a new member to their family.  But as I hold that infant, I'm aching. 

And then I feel guilty.  For Pete's sake (I don't even know who Pete is, but I enjoy the phrase.), I've given birth six times!  I know so many people who have been unable to give birth even once.  What kind of person am I to want more?

Jealous.  And ungrateful.  And greedy.  Not pretty.

Then I start thinking, "Really, of what am I jealous?"

Do I want to go back to sleepless nights?

Absolutely not.

Do I want to go back to nursing?

Not really.

Do I want to listen to the crying and the tantrums?

Nope.

We all know I don't want to have to go through potty training again.

So what do I want?

To be pregnant.  I love the feel of a baby growing in my belly.  I hardly notice the discomfort or the nausea. 

Those days at the end of pregnancy.  The "is today the day?" feeling.  The knowledge that at any moment that little person I see rolling around inside will be doing those newborn jerky "what was that?" jumps on the outside.

Cuddles.  Nothing like a tiny little person curled up on my chest or in the crook of my neck.

I also thoroughly enjoy watching a little one grow.  The first smiles and the multitude of other expressions.  The eyes lighting up when he sees someone he recognizes.  The way my older kids treasure the littlest one.  The rocks when he's learning how to crawl.  The unsteadiness of those first steps.  The open-mouth kisses before he learns how to pucker. 

While I love all of those things, I gotta get down to the nitty-gritty.  What is really going on?  Why am I really jealous?

Really?

Honestly?

I want two days in a bed where people feed me whatever and whenever I want, take care of my kids for me if I want them to, watch whatever I want on TV, and have as much peace and quiet as I can handle.  And all of it with my husband sleeping on a futon next to me.

I'm not kidding.

It's the best.

And I want to do it again.

What, if anything, brings out the green-eyes of envy in you? 

23 comments:

  1. I don't think I get jealous very often, but I have been known to suffer from an attack of the green eyed monster when I find out one person won the 12 million lottery jackpot, and that person wasn't me!

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    1. I hate it when that happens. Makes it worse when you know that a good number of those lottery winners are bankrupt after a certain number of years. We'd be so much smarter with the winnings.

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  2. Whenever I hear "envy", I think of pickles:

    "Envy requires us to suffer all good fortune that befalls everyone we know. What a bright prospect that is! Downing another quart of pickle juice every time anyone around you has a happy moment!"--Jeffrey R. Holland

    (Of course, pregnancy and pickles seem to go together, too, so maybe pregnancy is the ultimate envy.)

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    1. That is a great quote!
      I am not in the camp of pregnant pickle eater, though. I even make pickles, but I don't eat them. Ever.

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  3. I remember a time when I wanted to have another baby. Every time I held a baby, my ovaries would cry out "Oy! Oy! Oy!" Then it finally came to pass then when I held a baby they said, "Oy vey!" I knew I had passed the stage of wanting another child. Not that I don't love babies.....I DO! I love to hold them and feed them, cuddle them and just love them up.....then hand them back!

    Probably I am most envious of my friends who don't have any money issues. Houses are paid off, no credit debt, no car loans, etc. Then I know that money is the root of all evil. I know that I am grateful for my husband, my family, my overall semi-good health, etc. Then I sigh and move on.

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    1. Yes to everything you just said, Pat!

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    2. I'm hoping to get to the oy vey stage soon. Very soon.
      I'm sure envy over money issues hits just about all of us at some point in our lives. You're right to keep thinking of the good things. It certainly helps keep bad thoughts away.

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  4. Well, being 6 months pregnant and all, I can understand your post intellectually but not emotionally. I have been down this path several times now and I never truly enjoy it the way you write it. I pretty much spend most of my time trying not to feel miserable or uncomfortable. The babies themselves... that's a different story! I used to like the idea of being pampered in the hospital for a couple days but now I just beat on the door until they let me out. Being poked and prodded and awakened at all hours and surrounded by non-familial germs is not my idea of a vacation. Plus, labor scares the tar out of me and I can never quite get past that emotional block through the months of waiting. :)

    I am envious of people with clean houses and nice meal plans. I am envious of people with lovely, "easy" pregnancies. I am also envious of people who don't have allergies and who are have a "thick skin" in the drama of life. And finally, I am envious of people who can run for exercise.

    To Pat- You've got the quote wrong. It's LOVE of money that is the root of all evil. Money by itself is just a tool. :)

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    1. You would be one of the pregnant women I had in mind. :)
      I have been very blessed to have few complications with my babies. I feel for you moms who have such difficulty. I'm surprised labor scares you so. I figured that after so many, you'd have less worry each time. Not that I know anything about your deliveries...

      I am sort of envious of the clean house people, too. I love clean, but sadly, my children do not.
      As for runners, running is overrated. It does some damage to your body, too. Other activities are much better for you.

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  5. So you are willing to raise another child for 18 years just to have a couple days of TLC? Too funny! How about telling your family that for Mother's Day this year you'd really love a weekend that is all about you, and if necessary a weekend away from it all to get that! I do relate to the longing to hold another little heart next to yours though, in truth there is nothing else like it. Once you've experienced the feeling of little feet kicking away inside, you miss it forever more after they're born.

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    1. I know. It's sad. But I've said to my husband more than once, "I need another baby. I could use some time in my hospital bed."

      While I do love a weekend away, it's not just two days in bed. I cannot go anywhere without feeling the pressure (albeit that I put on myself) to go out and do something. See what's in the area. Be a tourist.

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  6. The next infants entering this home are likely to be grandchildren so, for that reason, I am grateful for every day, week, month and year that passes before we are blessed with our next little family member (can you tell my kids are growing up but not yet grown up enough for kids of their own). Anyway, I do miss little ones. And I stop by the end caps of the baby section of stores and look at the tiny little outfits. But as soon as my husband says, "We are only 9 months away," I drop the item and run. We could not have more children because of medical reasons so that 9 months away means either my son (back from Marine Corps but now attending college) or my eldest daughter who is only 17 and that SCARES ME!

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    1. I have a 17 year old son. I totally get it.

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    2. I had a suspicion. :) I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to lock my daughter in her room when she is 17. She'll hate me forever, but she'll be safe!

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  7. I love the progression of this post and how you went from being jealous of wanting a baby to wanting the wonder of the pregnancy and the feel of a newborn on your chest to wanting two days in bed. Awesome:)
    Oh and I'm jealous, too. I didn't have my one and only son until I was 40. I'd love to give him a sibling but it's not looking like it's in the cards. Plus, I was on bed rest for the second half of my pregnancy with him and I do NOT want to do that with a 3year old running around.

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    1. Thank you!

      Oh, bed rest is not easy when other kids are involved. A friend of mine just had her baby after 8 weeks on bed rest, with three other kids in the house. Cowabunga, that isn't easy.

      I am sorry that you haven't been able to give your son a sibling. Fortunately for him, you are a great mom and he will be surrounded by love and all that he needs.

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  8. Hmm more Jealousy. When I was reading I was like.. "whaaaaat... doesn't she have like a baby-making factory going on over there already?" Naturally, I understand way better after you explained about actually being pregnant. Just think, though, how many may be jealous of you and your larger than life family :)

    Perhaps you can have a weekend set up just for you and you can have breakfast in bed and the family will help you with whatever you'd like.

    This reminded me my original P was going to be Pregnancy Pandemonium, because it does seem like so many people I know are getting knocked up!

    I think I become jealous around writing, being blocked for so many years did a number on me. For some people it just comes so natural, and I wish I had that flow. Also, those that find it a breeze to talk to just about anyone under the sun. That is a handy ability. Thankfully, these are skills that can be learned/honed.

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    1. I know, I know. I'm greedy.
      Breakfast in bed isn't all it's cracked up to be. Eating pancakes balanced on your lap without getting any syrup on the bed is a difficult task. But I get your sentiment. I'd have to go away in order to actually relax. Too much staring at me in my own house.
      Now that you all are giving suggestions, I just thought of the perfect solution. I need to go to my mom's for the weekend. No need to site see, as I go to Louisville all the time. And no concern with cleaning, as my mom is now perfectly healthy and cleans her own house. Thanks for the encouragement!

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  9. A New Baby
    that is what I want that is what i am jealous of
    2 of my neighbors are pregnant 1 has a newborn
    it is killing me
    i want another baby
    i want to kiss that smooshy head, i want to smell their new fresh smell, i want a new baby.
    so yes i do know what you mean i understand and i long for the weight of total relaxation in my arms

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    1. I know you do. I knew you would understand the whole thing. Praying that it happens for you. :)

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  10. HA! When #2 came for me I was fantasizing about the hospital stay, how sick is that?!!? The baby phase is great, #2 is about to turn 1 and your post reminded me of all we are leaving behind...

    OK, off to make #3!

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    1. FINALLY! Someone who understands me! Have fun and good luck! :)

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  11. That does - I want all that, and more.

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Thank you for taking the time to tell me what you're thinking!