Monday, February 11, 2013

Monday Listicles - Is It the Thought That Counts?

Gotta tell ya, I didn't think there were worse things than political ads before an election.  But there are.  (Every kiss begins with) Kay and (He went to) Jared commercials before Valentine's Day are just gag me with a spoon bad.

Gag me.  With a spoon.  A spoon, I tell ya.

Fortunately, we have a wicked fun Monday Listicle this week to take our minds off of them.

Ten OH, NO YOU DIDN'T gifts 

The first five will be gifts that, thankfully, Hubby has avoided.  (Mostly because he learned from the mistakes of my relatives.)  The second five are things actually done by my dear, dear husband.  By the end, you will be shocked that I am still married to him.

10.  The expensive, predictable gift.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Don't buy roses on Valentine's Day.   Just don't do it.  Roses in June are lovely.  Roses on Feb. 14, when they cost 5 times their normal price, irritate me.  And it's not even original.

9.  Stuffed animals.  Once a girl passes the age of 5, just don't do it.  Hubby has not made this mistake, but my dad did.  When I turned 10, he gave me a stuffed bear and a stuffed carrot.  Kid you not.

The smile in this photo is completely fake.  I am and always have been a polite people pleaser, so I smiled for the camera.  (OK, after this post you may not believe my polite people pleaser claim, but it's normally true.)


I do not want stuffed animals.   I am not a kid.  Stuffed animals are not cute.  Even if there is a diamond necklace around that stuffed animal's neck, don't give me a stuffed animal.  Put the necklace in the box.

8.  Coupons.  You know, those handmade ones that say things like "I'll do the dishes" or "a foot massage".  It's cute when my kids give them to me, especially when they say things like "peace and quiet from me for one hour".   Regardless of who gives them, I'm never going to redeem them.  It's really a non-gift. 

I'm just saying, you darn well be doing dishes and giving foot massages without me having to cash in a coupon to make you do it.

7.   Clothes with animals or cartoon characters on them.  This goes along with #7.  When I was 17, my dad gave me a purple sweatshirt with a shiny cat on it.  Came with matching shiny cat earrings, too.  I am not a child.  My bosom may be small, but cute cuddly kittens do not belong on it.  (A note to the three men who read this:  Even if your wife/girlfriend would like a shirt like that, don't get it.  Save her from herself.)

6.  A Chia pet.  My youngest brother gave me one once, because he buys things he really wants for himself, then gives them to people.  Usually with the statement, "If you don't want it, I'll take it."  He's a bit immature that way.  Even the funny Chia pets that look like people with an afro should not be given.  (Unless you are at a party in which gag gifts are exchanged.  Then it is completely acceptable.)

Really, I'm not wanting any sort of plant.  I will forget to water it until it is drooping from dehydration.  So I water it and watch it come back to life.  And then I don't water it.  It starts to droop.  Eventually I will get very tired of this plant dance we have going on and just toss it into the compost.  No need to do that to either me or the harmless, innocent plant.

Do I sound a touch ungrateful yet?  Just wait.  It's time for the gifts my husband has actually given.

Before I throw him under the proverbial bus, I must show you how good he can be.  The potential he has failed to live up to.

Too bad for him, the first gift my husband ever bought for me set the bar way too high. We were 16 years old. He went to three different jewelry stores in town to find a necklace that matched my eyes. He finally found the one he wanted; a gorgeous blue topaz pendant on a gold chain. Undeterred by the fact that it cost more money than he had, he went to the salesperson. My dear boyfriend emptied his (Velcro) wallet onto the counter, told the man that this was every dime he had, and could he please have that necklace. The salesperson took pity on him and let him have it.

Tear jerker, I know.

Now that you adore my husband, I can get to the list.
 
5.  One year he mistakenly put off his Christmas shopping.  At 8:00 on Christmas Eve he went to Meijer (What do you get when you cross a Wal-Mart and a Target?  Meijer.) and purchased all of my gifts and stocking items.  I got a Farmer's Almanac for Christmas.   Clearly he forgot that I'm not a real farmer, but simply play one on TV.

4.  One year, when we had four young, young children, he got me/us a package of dance lessons.   He had the beginning of a good thought, seeing as how we had taken dance lessons before we had kids (as in, I was very pregnant with Phoenix) and had lots of fun.  The only problem was, he didn't think farther.  Who, I ask, was going to get a sitter lined up for each and every dance lesson?  Who, I ask, was going to get the kids fed and all ready for that babysitter?  That would be me.   It was just such a pain in the neck to actually get to the lessons, so we only used three of the seven allotted to us.  (Fortunately, he used this experience to learn something.  The next time he got me lessons, it was for a photography/darkroom class I got to attend all on my own while he stayed home with the kids.)

3.    For my 30th birthday, he gave me what woulda, coulda been the perfect gift; plane tickets to NYC with the sole purpose of seeing as many Broadway shows as we could fit into three days.  Awesome idea. Except we had children.  Children aged 2,1, and 5 months.  Children I had never left before except when I was in the hospital to deliver one of them.

While Hubby did think far enough ahead to schedule a person to watch the kids, it was his mother.  After her stints at watching them while I was in the hospital delivering babies, I was not exactly confident that she would be able to handle the three of them herself.   We'll leave it at that.

While his choice in sitter for my first time away was difficult enough for me, there was one bigger problem.  I WAS STILL EXCLUSIVELY NURSING THE BABY! Star had never set lips on a bottle when I got this wonderful gift. He was still nursing twice at night. The gift meant I had to wean him. He did not want to be weaned. We'll leave it at that.

While we did go on that trip, he was told in no uncertain terms to never, ever do that to me again.

2.  If you are a long-time reader, you might remember the compost bucket we had in our old kitchen.  The Meijer gallon ice cream bucket.  It was nasty, but it worked.  And it could be replaced each time we finished a gallon of ice cream.

Well, one year Hubby thought I might want a nicer compost bucket.  One Christmas, he gave me a lovely ceramic one.  Two problems.

One, we had an ugly kitchen that was falling down around us.  The Meijer bucket really fit the decor much better.

More importantly, (two) it was ceramic.  A child is in charge of taking the compost out to the compost pile.  It was only a matter of time before that child dropped the ceramic on the concrete walkway.

Each day at chore time, I was a nervous wreck.  As the child headed out the door, I would remind him, "Be careful!  That is fragile!"  (Always pronounced fra-gee-lay, thanks to A Christmas Story) and then I would pray that he made it back safely.

I only had to go through that daily torture for 3 weeks before the child came in crying and upset that he had dropped the ceramic compost bucket.  It was no longer a bucket but a hundred ceramic pieces on the walkway.

1.  This last gift is so, so bad that I really should have just given it all ten slots and called it a day.  At least then I wouldn't sound like such an ungrateful heel. 

The worst gift ever given to a wife by a husband...

After gaining 45 pounds during pregnancy, I delivered Phoenix in September, then celebrated my birthday in November.  For that birthday he gave me...

wait for it...

a bathroom scale.

He thought I would want to see how much weight I had lost since giving birth.

Too soon.  My dear, delusional husband.  Too.  (Still fat.)  Soon.

Go forth and have a lovely day!

37 comments:

  1. Hint: Never give a Chia Pet to a balding guy.

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    1. I will keep that in mind. Thanks for the tip. :)

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  2. Good grief! The kid in the carrot picture is YOU!? Aaaaahahahahahahaha.

    Sorry!

    Wow!

    I know someone who once got an electric stapler from her boyfriend for her birthday. I have received nothing which can beat that.

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    1. Ha! Surprise!

      I'm guessing he is now an ex-boyfriend?

      Your husband must be a real catch. :)

      Delete
  3. Oh how I adore your list! You had me laughing all the way through. The compost bucket so sounds like something my husband would have done in an attempt to be sweet. And, just like at your house, it is only a matter of time before someone little breaks it. That's why I only own plastic plates. Except on Thanksgiving and Christmas and I spend both days telling the kids not to touch the plates.

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    1. Well thank you.

      Our kids use plastic plates as well, except when all of the plastic is in the dishwasher.

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  4. He sounds like my husband--oh the way their brains work--or don't!

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    1. Their brains work like men's brains, which is good. Except when they are buying gifts for a woman. Then it's not so much good as a hindrance.

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  5. First off let me say ME TOO!!! Okay now let me go back up and read the rest of the post.

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  6. #8 LOL. My husband gave me one of those he made by himself with photoshop. I only cashed in the cook dinner one. All that other stuff, "No", not I don't want you to massage my back. I know how to read between the lines. Awwwwww to the tear jerker! As for number one, that was a classic, "OH NO HE DIDN'T!"

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    1. Ha! Was it at least a good dinner?

      I hate to say that yes, yes he did.

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  7. Fabulous list! I will remind myself of the bathroom scale gift when I am less than satisfied with any gift I receive.

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    1. That's why I'm here. To help women everywhere be grateful for what they have.
      Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  8. Loved it!!!
    Yeah no roses, I don't even like roses, they are a fake gift anyway. Everyone gives roses, I want original not expected. The necklace SWEET story. 10th anniversary gift to NYC i had never left the children to give birth to another, was not nursing but was asked if i was expecting... lovely terrible trip. I want to go again! Clothes in general are a bad gift unless you REALLY REALLY know the person...
    As for the back rub with the hidden message YES PLEASE i'd love it! (might get a baby that way fingers crossed and all that)
    j

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    1. Clothes really are hard to buy for others. I agree, you have to really know the person to do such a thing.

      Crossing my fingers for you. :)

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  9. DD4 is here with me after getting sick while student teaching. I read this aloud to her and we're still laughing about it! Great list! Love the humor!

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    1. Oh, poor daughter. I was sick on a regular basis through student teaching and my first year or two in the classroom. The light at the end is that once she makes it through, she will have the best immune system in the world and rarely get sick.
      Glad you liked the list. I always like it when people deem it good enough to read out loud.
      Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  10. That carrot is really phalic, and I must say, I kinda dig it.

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    1. Of course you do. :)
      My 10 year old self didn't appreciate that. However, we did enjoy using it as a sled to ride down the staircase.

      Delete
  11. My favorite list so far! Loved this - so funny and relatable. :)

    ps - I cannot reply to any of your comments on my posts! It makes me very stressed. For some reason, your reply email comes up as "no-reply commenter" I read and appreciate your comments - I just wanted to let you know. AND, I wish I could respond...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So glad you liked it.

      Blast! I thought I fixed that no-reply problem. I'll check on it. Thanks for letting me know.

      And thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  12. Ok. Because I loved the story of him buying the necklace when he was younger, I totally didn't want to kill him when he gave you the scale. Almost. Erin

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    1. I knew I had to soften him up with a good story before I killed his reputation. Thank you for being outraged for me.

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  13. After the scale I'm more surprised he's still alive not that you're still married. ROFL Makes me feel a lot better about some of the gifts I've received

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    1. That's my goal. Help the whole world feel better about themselves. Even if it means making my husband look like an idiot. :)

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  14. I'm laughing so hard i am actually crying

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    1. :)
      Don't annoy your wife by bugging her to read it.

      Delete
  15. A scale? Are you serious? That possibly could be the worst give by one spouse to another I have ever heard. I don't know if congratulations are in order. It will be hard to top that one.

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    1. Dead serious. Someone who is trying to be worse would have a hard time doing it. Don't congratulate us, unless it's to congratulate us for working through it and staying together.

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  16. For any guys out there, the perfect Valentines gift is a night in a five star hotel. Room service, movies on demand, 1200 thread count sheets. Take my word for it, guys.

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    1. Thank you! I forgot to write the to-do list for the guys. All well and good to tell them what not to do, but they need some direction in the what to do. Clearly.

      Delete
  17. Holy crap! I think yours is MUCH funnier than mine!

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  18. A scale!!! WHAT WAS HE THINKING!!!

    LMAO....you crack me up. :D

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    1. He was thinking like a man, poor guy.

      Glad some good laughter could come from my pain. :)

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  19. Ouch. The trouble is they really are the kind of gifts that he took the time to think of and plan. But it is all about the timing!! I kinda love that carrot. I know, I know...

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  20. Sometimes I wonder if men's brains really work when it comes to present buying.

    After hearing me casually mention that I would soon need to get a new can opener my now-ex partner got me an electric version for our first Christmas together. I found out about it before Christmas though and he was told in no uncertain terms to TAKE IT BACK!! And no, that isn't why he's my now-ex - lol - we were together for 15 years and in all that time he never made another mistake like that!

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Thank you for taking the time to tell me what you're thinking!