Monday Listicles - Buyer's Remorse

 

As you know, I have no problem throwing my poor husband under the bus if it means a good, funny listicle.  I've paraded his terrible phone photos and I've told of the ridiculous gifts he's given to me.  It's only fair that today, Stasha gives us the task of listing our 10 Dumbest Purchases.

I don't take my children shopping unless I have to.  Shopping with six children is horrible.  (For those of you with young children, this is as easy as you will ever have it in a store.   It gets worse as they get older.  While I don't have surprise poo explosions, I do have kids the same size as adults goofing off in the aisles.  When they were 6,5,4, and 3 they were a whole lot easier to corral and contain.  Unfortunately, a child that is five feet tall doesn't fit in the seat of the cart anymore.)

Since I rarely have time to myself to shop, I don't buy much.  But holy cow, when I am on my own and have the time to peruse and ponder and listen to stupid sales pitches, I lose all brain power.  I make the dumbest purchases when I am without the kids.

Buyer's remorse?  Yeah, I've had that.

My 10 dumbest purchases to date:

1.  Sun dresses.  Do I wear sundresses on a daily basis?  No.  Are they practical for my lifestyle as a fake farmer?  No.  So why do I have so many in my closet?  Because they were on clearance.  Look at that pretty dress!  And it only costs $20!  Forget the fact that peach is not a good color on me.  Forget that I have a smaller chest than most 40 year old men.  These dresses are great deals!  So, they sit in my closet, unworn.  For years. 

Pretty, but not good for me.  Not good at all.

2.  Nail buffer/shiner thing-a-ma-jiggies.  Walking through the mall, a nice man stops me and asks to see my nails.  Oh, the horror of the nails!  He gasps, then pulls out the first thing-a-ma-jig and starts buffing a fingernail.  As he does each finger, he talks.  How little time it takes.  How lovely my nails will look.  How, if I buy one set, he will throw in another for free.  I drive a hard bargain, ready to walk away, so he cuts the price for two even more, if I agree to take a broken box.  So, of course I buy them.  One for me and one for my mom.  My nails were so pretty!  How could I not?  Only later, when I could get away and get my brain back did I realize what a schmuck I am.  I am a fake farmer!  My hands are in the dirt or picking up horrible things most days.  I will ruin my pretty nails in two seconds flat.  Oh, and I found out that I can only do this buffing thing every once in a while, as it actually takes off a layer of each nail.  Not exactly good for them.  I have used the thing one time, and they didn't look nearly as good as that first time.  And, I've never given the other set to my mom.

But it comes with the lotion!  It must be a good deal!

 
3.  Mouth guard.  I have always been a nighttime teeth grinder.  I have actually ground my pointy teeth down to the point that they aren't pointy.  When I was in high school, I was fitted for a mouth guard to wear at night.  I apparently didn't like it, as I would (in my sleep) take it out and throw it across the room.  When I would wake up in the morning, I would have no idea where it was.  I once found it behind my dresser.  I finally just stopped wearing it.  (Yes, Dad, I know how much you spent on it.  No need to comment.) So as an adult, when my dentist told me I needed one, I really should have just said, "Yeah, I won't wear it.  Don't bother."  But no, I am a rule follower.  And a wimp in certain situations.  I went ahead and got the molds done and bought the stupid thing.  In the last 4 years, I've worn it a few times. 

Ew.

 
4.  A smartphone for Phoenix.  I went into the store with a used iphone to add to our account for him.  I walked out with an off brand smartphone (which means none of the games and apps he had on his ipod would even transfer) and a huge monthly bill.  Luckily it took me only 30 minutes to realize what a schmuck I was.  I had to pay a $35 restocking fee, but did walk out with a simple slide phone and no data plan for him. 

5.  A Scentsy "candle".  While I've never given Hubby anything as bad as a bathroom scale, I haven't always given the best gifts.  Two Christmases ago, I was at a loss as to what to get him.  Two women in my Bible study group (one of whom sells Scentsy, of course) were talking about their Scentsy candles and how surprised they were at how much their husbands liked them.  My own husband was in a kick of always lighting the teacher gift candles that I have received over the years, so I thought he would like it.  Just so you know, no husband wants a Scentsy for Christmas.  Duh.

Used twice.  Out of pity.

 
6.  Magazine subscription.  Each of my kids has his own magazine subscription, and they love them.  One year for Christmas, I got all of my nephews subscriptions to Zootles, one of our favorites.  When my family got together at some point after Christmas, I asked my siblings if they had received them.  The responses I got were not good.  "Oh, I thought that was a publication from the zoo.  I just tossed it!"  about sent me over the edge.  I never did hear how the kids liked them now that my siblings knew to look for them.

How could this be thrown away without being read?!?!?

7.  Bikes for my children.  Normally, these would be great things to buy.  Except I don't know the sizes of my children.  I have purchased a bike WAY too big for Giant, so he had to wait a year before he could actually ride it.  I bought a purple bike with a basket for Buttercup, which she enjoyed for about 6 months.  Lastly, a tricycle for Cuckoo for his last birthday.  While it is adorable, I found that he is in reality much bigger than he is in my mind.  The trike was too small for him the day I bought it, but he loved it so much we couldn't take it back.

I guess he's not going to be my little baby forever.  At least I learned that now and not when I bought him a pair of OshKosh overalls for his 10th birthday.

 
8.  Weights.  I didn't actually purchase these, but I asked Hubby to get them for me for my birthday one year.  He did.  They moved with us from our apartment in Arkansas, to a storage place while we lived in Bermuda, to our apartment in Bloomington, to our apartment in Indy, to our first house.  I used them 5 times.  They did not make the cut when we moved to the farm.

Just like mine, but mine were blue.

9.  Bike and workout clothes.  Back when the big kids were little, I was determined to get myself in gear.  I got up at 5:30 each morning to go for a run or head to the gym to swim or ride the stationary bike and be back before Hubby left for work at 6:30.  I trained long enough to be able to race in one triathlon.  One.  And have never willingly been up at 5:30 again.  The bike has sat unused ever since.  The clothes are probably dry-rotted in the drawer.  I wouldn't know.  I haven't touched them in years.

10.  Wii Fit (or whatever the thing is called.)  Hubby and I decided we were going to spend our time together at night doing something healthy.  It lasted about 3 weeks.

Well, this little list has really shown me how gullible I am as well as how little gumption I have when it comes to physical fitness.  Good to know.  I will now go hang my head in shame for the rest of the day.

Or until I find an AS SEEN ON TV Shake weight or Ab burner at Walgreens.

Wow, can't believe I found someone who looks so much like me!

 Have a lovely day!