Monday, February 25, 2013

Monday Listicles - Buyer's Remorse

 
As you know, I have no problem throwing my poor husband under the bus if it means a good, funny listicle.  I've paraded his terrible phone photos and I've told of the ridiculous gifts he's given to me.  It's only fair that today, Stasha gives us the task of listing our 10 Dumbest Purchases.

I don't take my children shopping unless I have to.  Shopping with six children is horrible.  (For those of you with young children, this is as easy as you will ever have it in a store.   It gets worse as they get older.  While I don't have surprise poo explosions, I do have kids the same size as adults goofing off in the aisles.  When they were 6,5,4, and 3 they were a whole lot easier to corral and contain.  Unfortunately, a child that is five feet tall doesn't fit in the seat of the cart anymore.)

Since I rarely have time to myself to shop, I don't buy much.  But holy cow, when I am on my own and have the time to peruse and ponder and listen to stupid sales pitches, I lose all brain power.  I make the dumbest purchases when I am without the kids.

Buyer's remorse?  Yeah, I've had that.

My 10 dumbest purchases to date:

1.  Sun dresses.  Do I wear sundresses on a daily basis?  No.  Are they practical for my lifestyle as a fake farmer?  No.  So why do I have so many in my closet?  Because they were on clearance.  Look at that pretty dress!  And it only costs $20!  Forget the fact that peach is not a good color on me.  Forget that I have a smaller chest than most 40 year old men.  These dresses are great deals!  So, they sit in my closet, unworn.  For years. 

Pretty, but not good for me.  Not good at all.

2.  Nail buffer/shiner thing-a-ma-jiggies.  Walking through the mall, a nice man stops me and asks to see my nails.  Oh, the horror of the nails!  He gasps, then pulls out the first thing-a-ma-jig and starts buffing a fingernail.  As he does each finger, he talks.  How little time it takes.  How lovely my nails will look.  How, if I buy one set, he will throw in another for free.  I drive a hard bargain, ready to walk away, so he cuts the price for two even more, if I agree to take a broken box.  So, of course I buy them.  One for me and one for my mom.  My nails were so pretty!  How could I not?  Only later, when I could get away and get my brain back did I realize what a schmuck I am.  I am a fake farmer!  My hands are in the dirt or picking up horrible things most days.  I will ruin my pretty nails in two seconds flat.  Oh, and I found out that I can only do this buffing thing every once in a while, as it actually takes off a layer of each nail.  Not exactly good for them.  I have used the thing one time, and they didn't look nearly as good as that first time.  And, I've never given the other set to my mom.

But it comes with the lotion!  It must be a good deal!
 
3.  Mouth guard.  I have always been a nighttime teeth grinder.  I have actually ground my pointy teeth down to the point that they aren't pointy.  When I was in high school, I was fitted for a mouth guard to wear at night.  I apparently didn't like it, as I would (in my sleep) take it out and throw it across the room.  When I would wake up in the morning, I would have no idea where it was.  I once found it behind my dresser.  I finally just stopped wearing it.  (Yes, Dad, I know how much you spent on it.  No need to comment.) So as an adult, when my dentist told me I needed one, I really should have just said, "Yeah, I won't wear it.  Don't bother."  But no, I am a rule follower.  And a wimp in certain situations.  I went ahead and got the molds done and bought the stupid thing.  In the last 4 years, I've worn it a few times. 

Ew.
 
4.  A smartphone for Phoenix.  I went into the store with a used iphone to add to our account for him.  I walked out with an off brand smartphone (which means none of the games and apps he had on his ipod would even transfer) and a huge monthly bill.  Luckily it took me only 30 minutes to realize what a schmuck I was.  I had to pay a $35 restocking fee, but did walk out with a simple slide phone and no data plan for him. 

5.  A Scentsy "candle".  While I've never given Hubby anything as bad as a bathroom scale, I haven't always given the best gifts.  Two Christmases ago, I was at a loss as to what to get him.  Two women in my Bible study group (one of whom sells Scentsy, of course) were talking about their Scentsy candles and how surprised they were at how much their husbands liked them.  My own husband was in a kick of always lighting the teacher gift candles that I have received over the years, so I thought he would like it.  Just so you know, no husband wants a Scentsy for Christmas.  Duh.

Used twice.  Out of pity.
 
6.  Magazine subscription.  Each of my kids has his own magazine subscription, and they love them.  One year for Christmas, I got all of my nephews subscriptions to Zootles, one of our favorites.  When my family got together at some point after Christmas, I asked my siblings if they had received them.  The responses I got were not good.  "Oh, I thought that was a publication from the zoo.  I just tossed it!"  about sent me over the edge.  I never did hear how the kids liked them now that my siblings knew to look for them.

How could this be thrown away without being read?!?!?


7.  Bikes for my children.  Normally, these would be great things to buy.  Except I don't know the sizes of my children.  I have purchased a bike WAY too big for Giant, so he had to wait a year before he could actually ride it.  I bought a purple bike with a basket for Buttercup, which she enjoyed for about 6 months.  Lastly, a tricycle for Cuckoo for his last birthday.  While it is adorable, I found that he is in reality much bigger than he is in my mind.  The trike was too small for him the day I bought it, but he loved it so much we couldn't take it back.

I guess he's not going to be my little baby forever.  At least I learned that now and not when I bought him a pair of OshKosh overalls for his 10th birthday.
 
8.  Weights.  I didn't actually purchase these, but I asked Hubby to get them for me for my birthday one year.  He did.  They moved with us from our apartment in Arkansas, to a storage place while we lived in Bermuda, to our apartment in Bloomington, to our apartment in Indy, to our first house.  I used them 5 times.  They did not make the cut when we moved to the farm.

Just like mine, but mine were blue.

9.  Bike and workout clothes.  Back when the big kids were little, I was determined to get myself in gear.  I got up at 5:30 each morning to go for a run or head to the gym to swim or ride the stationary bike and be back before Hubby left for work at 6:30.  I trained long enough to be able to race in one triathlon.  One.  And have never willingly been up at 5:30 again.  The bike has sat unused ever since.  The clothes are probably dry-rotted in the drawer.  I wouldn't know.  I haven't touched them in years.

10.  Wii Fit (or whatever the thing is called.)  Hubby and I decided we were going to spend our time together at night doing something healthy.  It lasted about 3 weeks.

Well, this little list has really shown me how gullible I am as well as how little gumption I have when it comes to physical fitness.  Good to know.  I will now go hang my head in shame for the rest of the day.

Or until I find an AS SEEN ON TV Shake weight or Ab burner at Walgreens.

Wow, can't believe I found someone who looks so much like me!

 Have a lovely day!
 

41 comments:

  1. This is one of the more unique lists I've ever seen on here :)

    Great blog!!

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  2. Oh no! Not the shake weight!

    At least guy selling beauty products in malls stop you and ask. Their gaze glides over me without ever settling and I get offered precisely nothing beautifying. Guess I look like a scruffbag!

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    1. The shake weight just makes me laugh.
      Surely it is because you are so good lookin' he knows he can't make you any better.

      Delete
  3. Ummm...any chance anyone you might know could fit into those dresses? I'm not bragging here but I think my chest is larger than a 40yo man's chest. ;) And BTW it's blatantly obvious from that photo that those dresses will not fit ME. Just had to harass you...I mean, tell you how much I love you! Thanks for sharing your list!

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    1. You're welcome. Aaaaand, since you mentioned it, the peach on especially is a longer dress. You'd have to hem it for sure. :)

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  4. Turn the dresses into skirts! I tend to buy sundresses as well, mainly for the material. I have like 10 dresses - waiting for me to turn them into a skirt.

    Haven't done it yet, but I'm thinking about it.

    Great post - loved it.

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    1. If only I knew how to sew without duct tape.
      Let me know how your dress to skirt transformation works out!

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  5. You know... that girl DOES look just like you! Pretty crazy! LOL!

    Julia

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    1. The resemblence is astounding, isn't it?

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  6. I have a bite guard that I use every night, but before I broke down and got it from the dentist I bought one of those stupid make-your-own kits. It felt like I had a baseball in my mouth a night. Useless. Forgot about that bad purchase.

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    1. Oh my word, you used the football ones? No wonder it felt like a baseball! I can see why you would banish it from your memory.

      Delete
  7. I think we might be the same person. Mouth guard? Mine is currently in a drawer with my old makeup in the linen closet, or else I threw it away, but I should probably use it because my pointy teeth are nubs. Sundresses? Fooling myself - I can't pull off "girlie." Nail buffer? Never made my nails silky smooth, so I keep it next to my unused PedEgg that never succeeded in making my feet silky smooth. Bikes? I have 6, none in a size anyone can use. Bloomington...? If you went to IU, I'm going to have to check my driver's licence and make sure we really aren't the same person.

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    1. Good heavens! Here I thought our similarities ended with Indiana. We were in Bloomington so my husband could get a law degree. I was not a student, but taught at the Catholic school there.

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  8. If you get desperate enough to go to Walgreens PLEASE buy the shake weight over the Tug and Tone. Otherwise you will NEVAH come outta the house again. LOL

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  9. I had a lady grab me with the nail buffing thing at the mall once. And then she got pissed when I didn't buy it.

    I've had two different mouth guards made but mine were the little kind that go your front two teeth. Made me look like Bugs Bunny. After my dogs chewed up the second one, I was done!

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    1. I'm afraid the guy I was talkng to would have been quite ticked if I'd have walked away. Part of why I bought the blasted thing. So pushy.

      Perhaps I need to let the dogs inside to chew mine. Then I won't have to feel bad about not wearing it.

      Delete
  10. Whew dodged the bullet of sentsy, was at a party and wanted to buy SOMETHING i even brought cash with me! finally settled on getting a U of M warmer (it was ugly, my apologies to any sentsy people it is just an opinion) but ended up going with a nightlight or some such thing. And I don't even burn candles or scents in the house I don't know if I like the idea of chemicals floating around...
    Glad I read this and will take the warning no Sentsy for Keith. I am sure he will thank you for this!
    j

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    1. Keith will be eternally grateful, for sure.
      I'm not one for burning candles, either. Mostly because I don't like to have open flames with little people running and big kids with basketballs flying around.

      Delete
  11. I could hardly concentrate on reading this, what with the horrible information you gave about shopping only getting WORSE as my kids get older! NOOOO!!!
    In all seriousness, this was awesome. WE HAVE that scentsy candle thing too! Snort. I had to laugh at the mouthguard- those suckers are expensive, and my husband NEEDS to wear his or he grinds his teeth and gets awful headaches. At any rate, my parents' dog has chewed up at least FOUR of his mouthguards. When will he figure out to put it away when they visit? :)

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    1. I'm so sorry to be the one to break it to you. Part of the reason they are worse is because they don't have to go every week like they did when they were little. They forget the rules. Plus, they are so daggum big and clumsy, running into poor little old ladies. Plus, they are more worldly, and know what is in most of the packages. That leads to more, "We should get this".
      FOUR?? Good heavens. Methinks someone doesn't like to wear his mouthguard. :)

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  12. Oh no! I bought the Shakeweight....

    Fun list - I've given magazine subscriptions for family members. I thought sports lovers would love Sports Illustrated...but NO. I thought the person who spends way too much on the single issue of Esquire or GQ would appreciate a subscription for less than the cost of one...but NO. So, I've stopped giving magazine gifts...

    I found your blog today through Monday Listicles.

    Have a great day!
    http://artpark78.com/blog1

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    1. As a joke? :)

      How could those magazines have gone wrong? I honestly would have encouraged you to buy them. Interesting.

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  13. I forgot about the Wii Fit - should've added that to my list. And my kids used to get ZooBooks (the older version of Zootles, I think) - they loved them!

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    1. We got the ZooBooks for years! Great magazine.
      Thanks for stopping by!

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  14. We have a shake weight. Remind me to tell you that story....:)

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  15. My husband bought me that nail shiner thing-a-majiggy. Ha! Erin

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  16. I don't even know how you talk to your seal hating siblings. What is wrong with them?

    And girl, you have a triathlon badge of honor for the rest of your life. A shake weight is not worthy to be in your presence. (Your caption on that photo made me laugh.) Ellen

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    1. Lots of things that have nothing to do with seal hating. :)

      You may take that badge back when you hear that I beat all of 4 people in the triathlon. I had some major difficulties with the bike, finished that section last, and passed 3 really old people (One might have even had a walker.) in the run portion. So very sad.

      It made me laugh, too. :)

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  17. Oh, the things we've moved across the country with us! What is up with that? Some stuff you just can't bring yourself to get rid of, I know :)

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    1. I'm usually one to be very OK with shipping things off to Goodwill. There are a few things, though, that just never get sent. Don't know why either.

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  18. Ah yes, I think we've all fallen for the Wii Fit trick. I bought one with all the best plans in the world. Currently it's living in my spare room and I haven't turned the bloody thing on in over six months.

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    1. I think it's been a year for us. Such a great idea, until you actually try it. Not so much.

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  19. This is too funny! I loved the mouth guard story!! So far I've resisted iPhones for my kids because of the huge fees...but they keep asking for them.

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    1. Keep resisting! Then I can really tell my kids, "You most certainly aren't the only kids without an iphone."

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  20. This started my day out with a good chuckle. I couldn't bear to dredge up all my not-so-brilliant purchases this week so was happy to see you pretty much did it for me (except for the tricycle)! Thank you! :D

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it. And you're welcome.

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  21. Mothers that make it to the mall on their own are the easiest target! I would probably trade my minivan and my bra for pretty dresses and gym clothes that I would never wear...you make me laugh, always!

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