A Redneck, Fake Farmer's Guide to Fence Building

"Hillbillies are innovators." 

-COW 

It's our family's new motto.

Hubby came up with it while we were putting up our new "These chickens are going to live past their first birthday or we are done, DID YOU HEAR ME?  DONE, raising chickens" fence.

For those who haven't read and memorized every post I've ever written, when we bought this 147 year old house, it came with several barns, an outhouse, a chicken coop, and 14 chickens.  We had never seen a chicken, let alone owned a chicken before, so we just went with the system and setup the previous owners had.  And apparently, the other 3 families who called this property home before them.  They were free-range chickens.

The free-ranging hasn't worked out so well.  In 8 years, we've basically fed the local coyote and dog population about 100 chicken dinners.  We have decided this will be the year we put an end to the 147 year old cycle of buy chickens, feed chickens, get a few eggs, feed chickens to local animals.  (OK, I'm sure the folks who lived here 140 years ago were a whole lot better at chicken farming than we are, and they probably had much better behaved dogs.  They most likely didn't have nearly as many premature chicken deaths.)

On to the solution...

I really need to learn how to make a button...

Stop the presses!  My awesome Bible study friend made a button for me!

 

After you ooh and aah, you may continue reading the post...

1.  Buy a really expensive net 12 ft. by 100 ft. on which to base the entire plan.

 

2.  Gather decades-old chicken wire and rusty metal posts from around the farm.

 

3.  Have Trusty Assistant kneel down and hold the rusty metal post for Fake Farmer while Fake Farmer swings a 20 pound metal mallet over her head in order to pound the rusty metal post into the ground. 

 

4.  Unroll chicken wire and attach to poles, going as far around the pen as you can.  Once you get to the already existing fence, simply put the chicken wire fence in front of the existing fence.  It's fine if you leave all the already existing weeds between the two.

 

5.  Attach chicken wire to posts, wall, or existing fence any way you see fit.  Use nails, funky-shaped hooks, or hooked shapes on the posts.

Funky-shaped hook which caused lots of inappropriate language.

 

 

6.  Leave Trusty Assistant working on attaching the chicken wire while Fake Farmer goes to Tractor Supply to buy more chicken wire and perhaps a pole or two.
 

7.  Upon return, Fake Farmer and Trusty Assistant finish erecting and attaching chicken wire, leaving a gap in the fence for easy exit.

 

8.  Assign Trusty Assistant chore of putting nails into coop roof in order to hang net.

 

9.  Drag huge old post from porch roof taken down in the Big Kitchen Remodel.  It will be the post which holds the net up in the middle of the pen.

 

10.  Use post-hole digger to dig a hole in middle of chicken pen, then put post in the hole.  Fill the hole around the post with the dug-out dirt.  (Yes, some might use cement to keep it in place, but that's not how this redneck rolls.)

Redneck Fake Farmers aren't too worried about being level, either.

 

11.  Begin putting net over pen.  Slide end of net over nails on roof, then stretch the net along the chicken wire.  Secure the net to the chicken wire with zip ties.

 

 12.  When Fake Farmer gets to the opposite side of the fence, cut the net with scissors to the appropriate size.  Any scissors will do.

To prove our point, we used these scissors to cut the net.
OK, really, it's because our children have stolen and lost every pair of real scissors we've ever owned.  We really did use these scissors to cut 12' of net.  Three times. 

 

13.  Realize the net sags a bit in the middle, so find a REALLY rusty pole to stick in the ground to hold up the net.  (Trusty Assistant will REALLY want to wear gloves and say many prayers during the post installation.)

And if the post is bent, all the more reason to pray.  And maybe wear protective clothing.

 

14.  Repeat steps on the other side of the pen, thus sealing Fake Farmer and Trusty Assistant in the pen with no exit.

 

15.  Yell for Not-So-Trusty Assistants (children) to come hand you things still on the outside of the fence.

 

16.  Endure jeers from Not-So-Trusty Assistants.  Questions such as, "How are you going to get out of there?!?" should be ignored completely.

 

17.   Realize you don't have enough netting to cover the entire pen.  Decide to simply stretch it across the back fence part and attach, then zip tie the ends to the net already in place on the sides.

 

18.  Find even rustier posts and use them to prop up the droopy net.

19.  Realize the 10' post Fake Farmer installed in the pen is unnecessary, seeing as how he won't be putting net over the entire pen.  When Trusty Assistant is done laughing, give her the job of deciding how to decorate pole to make it less dumb.

20.  Toss all tools out to the children.

21.  Figure out how to get out of the pen.  We went with the "Trusty Assistant and Fake Farmer climb the ladder onto the roof, pull up ladder, Fake Farmer climbs down tree, goes around coop to retrieve ladder from Trusty Assistant, then comes back to cop a feel as Trusty Assistant tries to climb down the tree" plan.

This would be the roof and the tree we climbed down.

22.  Take a look at the craftsmanship and wonder if the bottom of the fence might be a wee bit loose. 

Straight and tight are not necessary when fence building as far as we're concerned.

23.  Realizing the gaps on the bottom of the fence would have been a much better exit plan for Fake Farmer, Fake Farmer may want to secure the fence a bit more so coyotes can't get in.  Find some stakes around the farm and secure fence with what you have available.  Then cross your fingers that nothing gets in before you can get some more stakes.

 

Do not ask me why I put a boring photo of a barely recognizable stake in this post.

24.  Stand back and admire your work.

 



Notice anything missing?  That looks something like a chicken?

25.  Curse the day you ever moved to this farm and became Fake Farmers when those stupid, pampered chickens refuse to come outside.  Ever.

 

 

26.  Raise those stupid, pampered chickens until their natural deaths.  (I have no idea what the natural life expectancy of a chicken is.)

 

Have a lovely day!