Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Musings From the Minibus

I have warm, moist eyeballs.

I had this revelation in the van one day.

I didn't have warm, moist eyeballs two months ago.  But now I do.  One day my sunglasses worked just fine.  The next day they kept fogging up.  I understand the fogging when the air is cold, but not when the air is warm.  I understand it when it's hot outside, and I'm kinda sweaty.  Not when it is a clear, slightly breezy, perfectly comfortable day.  Every darn day, every single time I wear them for the entire time I wear them, my sunglasses fog up.  The only conclusion I can come up with is that the temperature and humidity of my eyeballs has for some reason increased.

These are the thoughts taking space in my brain.

We bought the van 37 months ago (A mere two weeks before Cuckoo was born.) when it had 29,000 miles on it.  It now has 103,705 miles.  That's a lot of driving, my friends.

With all of that time behind the wheel, I have plenty of time to think.  To ruminate.  Cogitate.  Speculate.  Alleviate.  Love your mate.  Try not to hate.  (Sorry. Somehow in the middle of the synonyms I started channeling INXS.)

Here are some of the discoveries I made this week.  Besides the eyeball oddness:

1.  I want to go to Joes Tavern

Can you see the hours?  Open - a lot, closed - a little

but I have no idea where Joes is.  This sign is on a telephone pole in the middle of nowhere.  Literally surrounded by cornfields.  We have been up and down the roads looking for the elusive Joes.  I have passed this sign every day for seven years, and it makes me smile every time.  And then it makes me irritated.   I'm sure it's some local redneck hangout that only local rednecks know about, and they like it that way.  But then why the sign?  This local redneck could totally fit in if given the chance. 

2.  Backseat drivers are annoying.  Especially when the backseat driver is four years old.  For weeks now, we've had to go through all of the intricate nuances of driving laws.  Each day is a new topic.  One day we beat the law of legal right turns to death.  The next day we answer questions about the middle turn lane until I can't take it anymore and have to roll the windows down and turn the radio up to drown him out.  The two biggest annoyances are a.) Phoenix isn't paying any attention, so when he actually gets behind the wheel next year, Turken will know more about driving than he will, and b.) Turken is starting to tell me how to drive.  When I am doing a little grooming at a red light, because as you all know, natural light is the best light for discovering those stray hairs on your chin that managed to grow four inches in two days, I hear Turken behind me, in a tone I know he learned from his siblings, "The light is gree-een."  Not cool, Little Man.

3.    If it is a windy, misty day, cancel your plans to take the overflowing paper recycling to the drop-off receptacle at school.  OK, so I wasn't actually in the van when I made this discovery, but I was right next to it, trying to pick up all of the paper that flew away, got wet, and stuck to the tires, the pavement, and the outside of the receptacle.  And you know you have to pick up every last piece of paper.  If not because you are concerned about littering, then because you have no flipping clue as to what is on the paper, and if you don't pick it up it will end up being something very incriminating or very embarrassing.  And of course it will be the principal who finds it.  Or an impressionable kindergartner.  All can be avoided by simply making the rule that recycling gets dropped of on beautifully sunny, calm days.

4.  This car just cracked me up.  While I do feel bad for a person who has car damage like this, as I know what a pain and expense it is to fix, with each passing mile I found the whole thing to be funnier and funnier.  I would fully expect someone to make fun of me if I were driving this.  Shoot, I would make fun of me. 


First, the most noticeable problem is the sideswipe damage.  (I especially appreciate the missing gas cover and hub caps.)  A little less obvious is the damage on the other side of the car.  I never got a good look to see it all, but you can kind of see the flap of material on the passenger side of the car.  Yeah, that window doesn't exist anymore.  Two sides of the car with serious damage.  Really unlucky or really bad driver?  Either way, I'd be taking that Baby on Board sign out of the back window.  When you are driving a car in this condition, announcing that you have a child in the car, you're basically just begging Child Protective Services to follow you home and get involved.

Secondly, the rabid Purdue fan in me loves the sticker right in the middle of that back window.  Just to the right of the baby sign is a sticker that says, "Indiana University".  That sticker on this car simply implies that an IU degree isn't good for anything more than wiping your hiney after your bowels let loose in the middle of the accident(s) that caused the damage to this car.  I'm going to wager a guess that the fine folks at IU would appreciate it if the owner of this vehicle showed her school spirit in another way.

I know I'm not the only mother stuck in her van for hours and hours each week.  What discoveries have you made while taxiing your little charges around town?

Have a lovely day!

21 comments:

  1. Whoever Joe is, he seems to have missed some of the basic principles of marketing.

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    1. Clearly. That, or he is a genius, with people all around town talking about him and his tavern.

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  2. OMG! The INXS lyrics! Loved it!

    Julia
    www.momontherunx2.com

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    1. Yeah, the song has been in my head ever since. Glad I could bring you back to the glory days for just a little while.

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  3. Do you know how much I adore you? Crack me up! If you ever find Joe's (I'm sorry..."Joes") please let me know...I'd love to tag along!

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    1. Look at you, with a photo to go with your name! Perhaps we can go on a hunt for Joes together, because you know I adore you, too!

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  4. Lol to the baby on board sign. I'm really hoping it came with the car and the car was FREE! -TALU

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  5. hahaha - so funny. It IS amazing what we can find to blog about if we just let our thoughts go and look what is around. That car photo with the "Baby On Board" sign: made me lol. (talu)

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    1. The only reason I like driving so much is that I get to see so many funny things.

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  6. Your son telling you the light is green reminds me of a conversation I had with my older daughter Emma recently. We were in the car driving to pre-school, when she asked me why we were stopped. I asked what the red light meant and she told me quite that it meant to stop. Then, she proceeded to tell me green means to go and black means the race is over. Clearly she watches too much Nascar with my husband and my brother, too lol!! TALU

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    1. Ha! Here in Indy, we "get" your daughter. :)

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  7. Of course your entire post was funny, but I was especially drawn to the grooming comment. I must confess that I often sit in my car to tweeze my eyebrows [unibrow if I'm not careful] LOL. It doesn't matter what room I'm in or what level of magnification a mirror might have ... nothing compares to natural sunlight and my visor mirror LOL.

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    1. I once caught a good friend of mine tweezing in her car as she waited for her girls to come out of school. She would agree with you completely! I'm fine with car grooming, as long as the car is in park. :)

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  8. Fantastic. This reminded me of Pioneer Woman's writing style. I did a whole post once on my car as biographer. It's amazing what they can tell you!
    Thanks for linking this up with the TALU!

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    1. OOooh, Pioneer Woman. That's a compliment!
      Thanks for hosting!

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  9. You SO have to find Joe's! It has to be good blog material if nothing else. And my kid hollers "green!" from the back seat too. Helpful. Gah. And hahah to having warm moist eyeballs! So funny.
    TALU

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    1. Trust me, my eyes are always peeled. I will figure it out one day!

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  10. Obviously Joes is only meant for those "in the know," you know, the cool kids who like to wander in the woods. And my 2 year old is always yelling when we have to stop at a red light. She really hates for the car to stop. I hope I can adequately explain this one day. Thanks for sharing on TALU.

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    1. That's what I'm afraid of. But then, why the sign?

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  11. Another very amusing post, I just love your style of writing.

    The sign for Joe's Tavern reminds me of one on Staniel Cay in the Bahamas. A single footpath which splits into two with signs pointing left and right, one says 'This way' and the other says 'That way' - it doesn't matter which one you take as they both lead to exactly the same place!

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Thank you for taking the time to tell me what you're thinking!