Monday, June 17, 2013

If Only I Was a Tweeter

For a while now, Kate and Stephanie have tried to lure me into getting on the Twitter bandwagon.  I have managed to avoid it thus far.  Unfortunately, my brain is getting in on the act.

My brain keeps thinking in tweets.  Something will happen, and my brain will immediately work on telling about it in a simple one or two sentence synopsis.  It even checks to make sure it's less than 140 characters. 

I am not, I repeat, NOT getting a Twitter account, no matter how much my brain nags me.  Instead, I shall put my non-tweets here. 



1.  I made my first blog button.  I think I'll sew it onto my shoulder-padded blue blazer, as neither should ever actually see the light of day. #IthinkIdiditwrong#U-G-L-Yyouaintgotnoalibi

2.  Anyone know how to discretely scratch the 10 bug bites lined up under the band of my underwear?  Reaching up under my skirt isn't working. #howdidthemosquitoesgetthere? #IswearIdidn'tmeantoflashyouOfficer 

3.  Our 19th wedding anniversary is next week.  My husband and son are celebrating by going on a dream vacation to Puerto Rico.  #Igottheshaft  #Ibettergetmorethanat-shirt

4.  My fingers look like I just plucked a mouse.  Will I ever remember to clean the lint screen BEFORE I put the wet clothes in the dryer? #wheredoeslintcomefromanyway? #yesIdoknowwhatapluckedmouselookslike

5.   FYI:  Slipping and falling on your butt in the baby pool of a fancy country club will not endear you to the trophy wives sitting on the pool deck. #savethebabies #ouch

6.  Whoever decided to put in mile markers every HALF mile never answered the question, "How much farther?" with "When the mile markers get to zero" #notcoolstateofIndiana #thenextoneis73.5 #thenextoneis73.0 #thenextoneis72.5#thenextoneis72.0 #thenextoneis71.5 #thenextoneis71.0...

7.  A helium balloon is like a gigolo.  It's loads of fun until the first time you release your grip and it flies away.  Or pops on the ceiling.  #notthebestsimileI'veevermade #Ihatewaitresseswhopassoutheliumballoons

8.  I am unhappy to report that I learned "bled like a stuck pig" is in fact an appropriate simile for someone who is bleeding profusely.  #raisingpigsisdumb

9.  After seeing the ads all over TV, I think the only dating site that hasn't been created is IneedtoregistereverytimeImove.com.  #soooogladI'mmarried

10.  Just played "Memory" with my 5yo to prove I still had some brain cells left.  I lost.  #allmyconversationsincludethewords"what'shisname?"


Glad I got that out of my system.  Maybe now I can go back to thinking in nice, long, over-wordy, parentheses-filled blog posts.

Have a lovely day!

48 comments:

  1. Ahahahaha! Those are awesome! I would totally star and retweet you. Fantastic! Based on the fact that you're already thinking in tweets, you should definitely stay away from Twitter. It's addictive!

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    1. Thank you! That means a lot, coming from someone who has read lots of good tweets. :)
      I have no doubt I would be addicted in no time. Must stay away.

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  2. This is too funny, since I just rejoined Twitter tonight:) I will see how I like it:) I love your Tweets...you can still same them on FB as your statuses:)

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    1. I thought about FB, too. I barely started a Coop FB account, but never finished it. It never occurred to me to put this kind of stuff on it. (I'm not much of a poster even on my personal page.)

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  3. Haha awesome! You are denying the Twitterverse (I think they call it Twitterland? But that sucks...) your mad tweeting and hashtag skills.

    I just got around to using Twitter last week and it's maybe consumed copious amounts of my time. I don't really say anything fancy, though I had Myspace star one of my tweets today... so I view my time as being well spent!

    #yesmyspacestillexists

    Join us! One of us! One of us!

    Jak at The Cryton Chronicles & Dreams in the Shade of Ink

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    1. Thank you!

      That's what I'm afraid of! I don't have copious amounts of time. You seem to be a mad hashtagger, too. Yours cracked me up, mostly because I had just thought, "Myspace? It's still there?"

      :)

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    2. I thought the same thing about Myspace. I heard some FB chatter with friends about Justin Timberlake buying it and converting it more into a music community. I made a joke about if Justin could bring Sexy back, he could bring Myspace back.

      He joked about me making their new slogan and I should get paid so I was hot to trot with tweeting it lmao, as though no one else had thought of it, but you know... Myspace approved! ;-)

      Yeah... it's addicting...

      I've yet to hone my hashtag skills.

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  4. I haven't jumped on the Twitter bandwagon yet, either, but I have to say that if I did (and if you did), I would follow your tweets. You do have a way with words!

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    1. Thank you! Have you thought about jumping on?

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  5. Awww, Twitter is fun! It doesn't take over your life anymore than blogging does, I promise!

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    1. And there is the problem. Blogging takes up plenty of time on its own! I'm sure it is loads of fun, though.

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  6. You would ROCK the Twitter Universe!!! :D

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    1. So sweet you are. Do you even tweet yourself to know? :)

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  7. AHHH!!! I love this! You, my dear, were born to tweet. But I agree with Kate- if you have this much natural tweeting talent, stay FAR, far away from Twitter. I loved your non-Tweets. They were so funny, and far more intelligent and clever than the average Tweet! :)

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    1. Thank you! So kind you are. I shall take your advice and steer clear.

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  8. Haaaaa!! My lol for the day!!! Esp. the bug bites....oh, man, can I relate....just the other night at a baseball game in fact!

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    1. Glad you liked them. Really, how do the bugs get into the places they get???

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  9. Tee hee! These would be great for Twitter! I have a Twitter but I like my FB page better. I feel like I can connect with my followers much easier through FB. Twitter is too much work! Ha!

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    1. I'm afraid to do more connecting than I already do, FB or twitter-wise. There aren't enough hours in the day.

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  10. I have a twitter, but I only really use it for blog updates. I'm not very funny when I'm restricted to 140 characters, it seems.

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    1. At least you're funny when given all the words you want.

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  11. I got a Twitter account so I could follow the Bronx Zoo Cobra when it escaped last year. I feel old and stupid when I use it (maybe that aquacise class was the place for me after all).

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    1. Ha!! I feel old and stupid on a daily basis, so twitter certainly isn't for me. I guess I'll be looking into aquacise at our Y...

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  12. Hahahahahaha! If you were a Tweeter I might have missed some of these...thanks for saving me by posting them here. I seriously would not do #10 with either of my grandchildren...I know I would lose too!

    As for #2, I thought I had the same weird row of mosquito bites around my waist band once...turned out to be Poison Oak!!! Don't ask how it got there...because I am not telling! #howdidthemosquitoesgetthere?

    You should make this Tweeting thing a regular post :-)

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    1. So glad you liked them. I made myself laugh when I wrote them, so I'm glad someone else found them amusing. :)

      I wouldn't dream of asking such a personal question. :)

      Perhaps I will. I already have a couple more to add. Thanks for the encouragement.

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  13. I'm with you - NEVER want to tweet! Who's interested in every thought/action that crosses my day? The world hears enough from me with fb and blogging. That's enough for anybody.

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  14. How on earth did I miss this?

    And when did you EVER pop a gigolo on the ceiling? Is there a blog post in the near future which will cover this?

    Also, IneedtoregistereverytimeImove.com is already taken but people know it as 'Twitter' (why these people are 'Tweeters' not 'Twits' I shall never know!)

    I guess it's all a lot more fun if you've a smartphone about your person, but alas, I am back in the dark ages, ensconced with my books and my cell that texts and calls and does little else. Perhaps one day I'll start a movement to resurrect telegrams. Or clay tablets...

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  15. I totally have the same #2 problem! AND they are on my bikini line. What the what? I don't go outside naked, fer cryin' out loud. How DO they get in there?
    As for Twitter, I sometimes wonder if it's just one more way to force us to shorten all the things we say. Our vocabularies have already suffered. Why not the whole damn language. sigh.
    Saw this one on the Humor Me hop :)

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    1. Honestly, HOW?!?!?

      Very true about our language going down the tubes. It's bad enough when people do it with texting and tweeting. (Another reason for me not to tweet.) I've been noticing "text language" on business signs around town. I refuse to even step foot in those places. How hard is it to write the word out?
      Thanks for stopping by!

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  16. How bout this...you write long lists of tweets you wouldn't tweet, and then I'll come steal them when I need something witty. Hilarious. Thank you for linking up with the Humor Me Blog Hop! Will be following you now (if I'm not already).

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    1. Deal. Glad you liked them. Thanks for hosting!

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  17. How come big bites always end up in places awkward to scratch?!

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  18. You are doing the world a total dis-service by NOT getting a twitter account and tweeting! Loved these! Especially the Memory game. Wait...what was I saying???

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    1. Ha! Thank you, and glad you liked it.

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  19. These "tweets" are far better than a lot of real ones out there!

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    1. Yet another reason not to tweet, I say! Thanks.

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  20. I joined Twitter last year to correspond with someone from a dog charity but unjoined within an hour when I realised I was talking to myself! Maybe I just didn't know how it works but I won't be rejoining anyway.

    I love your No. 4 - what DOES a plucked mouse look like??

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    1. Glad to know I'm not the last one to join!

      I guess I should have included a photo. :) Mostly, lots and lots of fluff that won't come off your fingers, no matter how hard you shake your hand.

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    2. Guess I should have asked before - why on earth would anyone want to pluck a mouse anyway??

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  21. The twitterverse NEEDS you!!! I understand you avoiding it, though. It's a machine! But if you ever go there....I'll follow you immediately. :) (btw, love #raisingpigsisdumb LOLOL)

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    1. "Needs" is a strong word. It may be a better place, but it doesn't need me. :)
      I had a ridiculous amount of fun coming up with these.

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  22. LOL!! This is hilarious! Seriously, you need to get on Twitter. I'd have a blast following you and writing silly hashtags. I sometimes SPEAK in hashtag. Yes, it's ridiculous but it's also freaking hilarious, especially when done in a grocery store or other unexpected location. Weird looks are fun! Hashtag: #getalife Heehee.

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    1. Oh, please tell me you have seen Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon do their hashtag skit. If not, watch this:
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57dzaMaouXA

      I must avoid twitter or my children will have to grow up without a mother. :)

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  23. hilarious! you need to get on Twitter NOW, woman! We need some more of the FUNNY!

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    1. No can do. But thank you for the vote of confidence!

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