I am not technologically advanced.
I don't like my technology to change.
That is why my phone, which I have had for four years, had never been updated.
Until last weekend, I still had version 4.1.
I don't know what that means. I don't know what it is a version of. All I know is that when the kids heard this bit of info, they were appalled. They laughed and shook their heads vehemently. It must mean something bad to illicit such a reaction.
And apparently I'm addicted to Instagram, because if it weren't for that app, I'd still be blissfully clicking away on a version 4.1 phone.
Last weekend, Star and I went to a pro soccer game. I had taken a few photos with my phone, and he wanted to borrow it to post some of them to Instagram. (Because my kids don't have their own iPhones.)
In order to do this, he had to log out of my account and log into his.
So, he logged out, and tried to log in with his name.
Except it wouldn't let him.
Instead, it scolded, "We cannot let you log in, because your app is outdated. Come back when you aren't such a loser, you ancient non-updater."
OK, maybe that shouldn't have been in quotes.
Regardless, we couldn't get back into Instagram until I updated it.
Fine. I'll update the stupid app.
I told Star to do it, and he tried.
But it didn't work.
Instead, I was once again scolded, "You need version 7.0 in order to update Instagram. Even my grandma updates her phone, you ridiculous dinosaur."
This is when I went into a bit of a panic, right there in the stands.
Star, I don't know how to update my phone!! What am I supposed to do?!?! You took away my Instagram. PUT IT BACK!!!!
I had to go the entire rest of the game and the whole ride home without one time ever checking to see if someone liked the photo I posted.
I'm ashamed to admit how much that rocked my world.
We got home at approximately 10:00pm. Star went to bed, and I implored Bryan to FIX IT!!
He took one look at my phone and said, "This is SO OLD! I don't even know how to work it. Why haven't you updated this thing? My mom, who leased a rotary phone from the phone company until 1989, would have updated her smartphone if she had one."
After the tongue-lashing, we got to work, because I wasn't about to go to bed without getting this fixed.
We tried the plug the phone in and let it update method, but alas, that didn't work. Instead we got a message from the computer, "Are you kidding me?!?! You haven't updated iTunes either?? Even the Amish would have known to update their blasted computer. Cut the cord, Lady, and get with the program!"
So, I updated iTunes and Bryan went to bed. It took a long time.
All told, between updating iTunes and backing up my phone, I was up until after midnight.
And I still, STILL didn't have my Instagram back.
The next morning, I was up early to get it done. At several points throughout the process, I could be heard yelling, "Is this what is supposed to happen?!" or "What does this mean??!!" or "Is it supposed to take this long?!!?" I may have even thrown in a few, "Star, you better hope this works, 'cause this is all your fault!"
It took two very long hours. With each new step, I got more nervous. Star was getting anxious himself, even though he had talked like he was completely confident that everything would work just fine. We tried to take our minds off of it by making breakfast, but that plan was derailed. The little boys kept coming in to tell us, SOMETHING IS HAPPENING!"
For the last few steps, we never moved from our spots in front of the computer. We watched those little bars intently. Every time the "percentage complete" changed, one of the little boys would yell, "It moved! The bar is bigger!"
Actually, the whole scene brought to mind the time our cat had kittens. The cat was in a box in our house, and we kids were all surrounding it, watching with our eyes wide and jaw dropped. Kitten after kitten was born, and with each one we'd yell out, "There's another one!"
I'm a bit disconcerted that the kids and I are treating the update of my phone the same as my siblings and I treated the birth of kittens. Something's not quite right about that.
Bit of irony coming at you... The image of us all huddled around the computer would have made a great shot TO POST ON INSTAGRAM.
All told, almost 5 hours of my life was spent updating my phone.
Five hours I didn't spend sleeping. Five hours I didn't spend reading TTot posts. Or even getting my own written. I know, that's what tabs are for and I technically could have done that while the computer was doing its thing with my phone. Except no. I couldn't. What if something happened?!?! I could overload it or slow it down so much it messed up or crash the whole darn thing. Nope. Couldn't do it. So I wasted 5 hours looking at a screen.
When the phone finally, FINALLY, said, "Hello, slide to start" we cheered and cheered and cheered. We cheered so long that the phone switched to "Hola, el slido to starto". As my finger went to turn the phone on, Star screamed, "NO! DON'T TOUCH IT!"
That was close. Technology is hard enough in English. Imagine how awful I'd be in Spanish! So we waited through Chinese and Japanese and 100 other languages for English came around again. Which, of course, we missed because we were still celebrating.
After a few more palm-sweat-inducing decisions that I just don't have the energy to rehash, but just know that they included a few, "WHAT DO I DOOOOO??"s and other overly dramatic cries, the phone was once again on and filled with my photos and contact information.
First thing I did, of course, was go to get my Instagram back and update it.
A little timeline to illustrate just how horribly deficient my brain is in the area of computers...
1. Go to iTunes to get Instagram.
2. Push update button.
3. Push "go to app".
4. Smile when I see all of the likes from the previous night's post.
5. Go to the phone's home screen to check out the new look.
6. Slide to the next screen.
7. Become concerned when I don't see my Instagram app.
8. Go back to iTunes and push "go to app" again.
9. Smile at the photo.
10 Go to phone's home screen, then slide to second page.
11. Panic when I don't have Instagram app.
12. Yell, "WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING?!?! WHERE IS MY APP!?!?"
13. Throw phone at Bryan.
14. Bryan calmly scrolls to the THIRD screen and says, "Those three dots mean there are three pages."
15. Mumble a thank you and drift off to peruse everyone else's Instagram posts.
After a week, I have managed to mostly figure out the new and annoyingly not old way of doing things. The only hiccup we have had was when Giant started getting all of my texts on his iPod (So glad I didn't write anything incriminating!!). Got that fixed immediately.
The only ongoing problem I haven't fixed is my voicemail. Seems I have a password for it but an inability to remember it or change it. So, don't expect to leave a message if you call.
So, thank you for sticking with the story about the phone. I guess it kinda makes you feel like you are right there with me, with the story dragging on and on just like the updating did.