If I Ever Get My Bandaged Hands on Clem and Tina...

I simply wanted to have some clementines with our dinner.

Illness has been flying around our house, and I wanted to infuse everyone with a bit of extra Vitamin C.

As I used my left thumbnail ('cause I'm a lefty) to puncture the rind of the first clementine, I noticed the rind was quite thick just before a bit of pain shot through my thumb. By the time I finished peeling that one, itty bitty clementine, my thumb was in some serious pain.

Not to be deterred from our clementine side dish, I stubbornly switched hands to peel the second clementine.

As I awkwardly ('cause I'm a lefty) used my right thumbnail to puncture the rind of the clementine, I noticed this rind was thick, too, just before a bit of pain shot through my right thumb. By the time I finished peeling that one, itty bitty clementine, my right thumb was in some serious pain.

Having no more thumbs with which to work, I told COW he needed to peel the rest of the clementines for dinner while I danced around the kitchen whining, "This really, really hurts!!"  He took one look at me, rolled his eyes, and grabbed a knife.

As the seconds ticked by, my thumbs hurt more and more.  Upon further inspection, we concluded that I had sliced the skin underneath BOTH thumbnails on clementine rinds. When a wound gets acid in it, the wound burns. By "burns", I mean it makes a woman who has given birth to six kids (three of them without the help of even a Tylenol) mutter obscenities and cry like a baby. Clementine rinds must have acid in them.

The pain finally diminished sometime after dinner.

In the less than 24 hours since the slicing occurred, I've realized just how often I use my thumbs.  Each time I do, pain shoots through the underside of my nail.  It's getting hard to function properly.

1.  Cutting a piece of fruit doesn't look to pose a threat until I have to peel off that UPC sticker.

2.  Getting cold medicine out of those vacuum-sealed, tiny, super-sticky individual compartments is difficult when my thumbs are healthy.  It's near impossible with sliced thumbs.

3. I would prefer to make a salami and cheese sandwich without the salami and the cheese.  Separating the slices from the stack causes me to flinch.

4.  We have 17 dozen eggs in the fridge.  It makes me cringe to even think about cracking any more of them open.

5.  Pinching a splinter to pull it out of a child's hand isn't any fun.

6.  Wiping a kitchen counter down is no problem, until I come across some syrup or some other food cemented to the surface.  Unfortunately, nothing works as well as a fingernail to get that crud off.

7.  Wiping a little boy's nose with a Kleenex poses no risk, yet having to pick off that pesky dried-on booger can only be done well with the thumbnail.

8.  Being a snow day, I was glad to be in my button-free pajamas all day.  Too bad Cuckoo needed help buttoning his favorite pajama shirt.

9.  I haven't sent any texts today, as it gets tiresome to say, "ouch.  ouch.  ouch." every time I press a letter.

10.  Washing a little person's hair isn't nearly as fun as it could be.

Until these thumbs heal, I'm sure I'll be whining and finding new and awful ways my for my thumbs to be tortured.  I'll be sure to add them.  Lucky you.  :)

Now, remember those razor-sharp clementines which cut my thumbs?  As we ate dinner, each time a child put a slice of clementine in his mouth, his lips would pucker, his eyes would water, and he'd wail, "WOW!  These are sweet!"

"Honey, you want them to be sweet.  Do you mean sour?"

He'd reply, "Yes!  They're sour!" then refuse to eat another bite.

This morning I had a look at the 5 pound box of clementines I had purchased the other day.

They aren't clementines at all, but sour, sharp-edged impostors!!

Not cool Clem and Tina.  Not cool.