Monday, July 1, 2013

Monday Listicles - Summer at the Public Pool

We are not fortunate enough to have a pool of our own.  My sister has a pool, but she lives in Kentucky and is of no help.  So, to beat the heat, we are relegated to the public pool.  If you've never been to a public pool, think Wal-Mart without the coverage pajama pants affords. 

Stasha's Listicle topic this week is "summer".  I shall give you...

10 Things You Will See at the Public Pool in the Summer

1.  Rude people who say rude things to complete strangers.  Cuckoo and I were having a lovely time playing in the big pool, he jumping in to me, when a young woman looked directly at me and said, "Are you the mom or the grandma?"   And it hurt, Man!*  (For those of you who heard about this on Saturday, I'm over it now.  I'll never mention it again.  I would have been over it sooner, but my dear husband won't stop laughing and telling everyone he sees about it.)

2.  Tattoos.  Going to the public pool is a lot like going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  Everywhere you turn, there's an artist's rendering of some object, event, or person.  In both places, you see original work depicting important events in a person's life.  Sure, in the museum, artists use mediums like pastels, paint, charcoal, and watercolor on everything from canvas to wood to metal, while at the pool, artists are limited to ink on skin, but that doesn't mean you can't appreciate a good image of Jesus at either place.  (No joke, I actually saw the face of Jesus taking up the entire calf of a woman at the pool. (Don't ask why it was on her calf.  I was too afraid didn't get a chance to ask her.)******* 

3.  Lifeguards.  They ain't what they used to be.  First off, now they all have to train with The Hoff.  Red is the new mandatory swim suit color, and every one must carry the big, red floating devices.  They never sit for more than 15 minutes before they are up and walking to another station.  These folks are focused, which means they catch all sorts of children behaving in ways they shouldn't.  Every 11 seconds, another whistle tweets, and children freeze, wondering if it was they who did something wrong.  Of course, it wasn't.  The kids running/hanging on the lane line/diving/sliding down the slide head first/wearing unapproved flotation devices are having too much fun to hear the whistles blowing.



4.  Skin.  Lots and lots of skin.  Bathing suits have become smaller and smaller as people have become bigger and bigger.  I tell you what, I'd almost rather they all just go naked.  At least then I could look away instead of constantly watching and wondering just how long that itty, bitty string is going to hold in that great, big boob. 

5.  Disgustingly wet floors in the bathroom.  Is it water?  Is it pee?  Does it matter?  It's all a nasty, cold, slippery germ locker that beckons to my child all day long.  I swear, Cuckoo goes to the bathroom maybe five times on a normal day.  At the pool, he must go at least five times in two hours.  I'm almost to the point of teaching him to put the P in the ool.  As I've heard many women who have used the facilities then failed to wash their hands say, "The chlorine will kill the germs."

6.  Teen boys doing cannonballs to impress the girls.  Nothing says, "You're cute," like a great, big, flood of water being thrown on you.  It usually works, as long as the boy comes up for air with the always adorable, only-the-young-can-do-it-without-throwing-his-back-out head toss.

7.  Bad parenting.  If I had a dollar for every parent I've seen screaming to his child from the side of the pool to, "Get out!  Come here!  No, give that back to him!  It's not yours!  Come here!  No, give it to him!  The whistle blew!  It's break time!  Give it back!  Get out!  We'll go home!  Do you want to go home?!  It's his!  Look, the lifeguard is getting mad!  We are going home as soon as you get out of that pool!  How about a snack!  Do you want a snack?"  I would be able to put my own blasted pool in my own back yard. 

8.  Piercings.  In every orifice, current or past, and in some places that have never been orifices to begin with.  Ears?  Of course.  Nose?  Yup.  Tongue?  Why not?  Belly button?  Oh, are there ever.  It must be the new thing.  Not only do females get their belly buttons pierced, they do them up!  Honestly, when we went to the pool last week, I saw no less than 10 chandeliers hanging off of people's midsections.  Oh, and the "never been an orifice"?  Yeah, a woman had two silver studs coming out of her lower back, about 3 inches above her bikini line.  "Why?" wasn't my first question.  My first thought was, "HOW???? Are they connected under the skin?  What's holding them in?  Are your kidneys OK with this?"  Baffling, I tell you.  Baffling.

9.  Water slides and high dives and dumping buckets of water.  Basically, everything your kid wants to do, but only if you do it with him.  Now, I've done all of these things, and I'm not afraid of no high dive.  However, I am afraid of catching my child who wants to go off.  Those couple of seconds before the child surfaces are horrifyingly long.  I'm not opposed to going down the ginormous water slide.  I am opposed to going down the slide while holding one of my children.  With the added weight, we tend to fly higher up the sides in the turns, which flips us all around and upside down, so I am a panicky mess trying to right us before we hit the water in a jumble while keeping said child's head above water.  I always walk away from that thing with bumps and bruises and scratches all over my body.  As for the buckets of water, I don't have to go under those.  I do, though, have to console the youngest boy when the bucket dumps on his head unexpectedly, and he flips out, slips, and lands on his head. 

10.  Children with ill-fitting suits.   There is always that one kid who has the new suit.  The suit that fit in the store, but once in the water, falls down with every pop out of the water.  You see the poor kid struggle each time he surfaces to pull the suit back up over his crack.  And then one time he turns around, and you see his suit has gotten so low, it is thiiiiis close to showing everyone in the place all that God gave him.   Poor kid.  And his poor mom.  All she wanted was to get him the cool suit with the beloved character on it.  Sure, it didn't have a string to tie it tighter, but it seemed snug enough.  It fit in the store!!!  When the mom sees this suit malfunction, she has flashbacks to when her oldest child took swimming lessons at the same age as this child.   During the swim test, he had to do 10 bobs.  He was facing away from the parents and towards the instructors.  Each time he came up, the parents were shown his nice, bright, white tush.  From the looks and laughs of the instructors, they were getting to see plenty of jiggle on their side.  Did anyone stop him?  No.  He merrily went along, bob down, pop up, pull up the suit, bob down, pop up, pull up the suit...as the entire place rolled with laughter.   The mom quickly snaps back to the present and the suit issue unfolding before her.  She can't force her entire brood to go home simply because of this one child's bathing suit, so she does the next best thing.  She follows him around everywhere he goes, yanking his suit up each time he surfaces.

OK, maybe you won't see #10 unless you go to the public pool where I go.  That would be my kid.  And yes, the story of the boy taking swim lessons was Phoenix when he was 4 years old.  It seems we fit right in at the public pool after all.

*If you have never watched "Kid President", do so now.  This quote is from "A Pep Talk".  

 *******  Good grief.  I found out why the woman had it on her calf.  On a whim, I googled "tattoo of Jesus on calf" to see if I could find a picture of one.  Guess what came up?  Justin Flippin' Beiber.  He has a tattoo of Jesus on his calf.  Asked and answered.  And gag me with a tattoo needle.

Have a lovely day and a fun, relaxing summer!

56 comments:

  1. Oh man. Do you endure this public pool often? The things we do for our kids, right?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Last year, we went most days of the week. I learned real quick to go later in the day, when most of these people have already left. However, this year, it hasn't been warm enough to go more than a couple of times. And I made the rookie mistake of going too early. Oh well. At least it is a nice pool.

      Delete
  2. I think the worst thing on this horrific list is #5. And I don't want to think any more about it than to say that, because it makes me a little queasy.

    (By the way, my son is working as a lifeguard this summer. I annoy him every single day he works by asking him if he saved anyone's life.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The bathrooms make me sick.

      Fantastic. Has he ever answered yes? :)

      Delete
    2. Nah, it's been a big waste of his lifesaving skills.

      Delete
  3. Ah, the cannonball, the swimming pool equivalent of pulling pigtails.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly! Funny that it is the same the world over!

      Delete
  4. SO glad I don't go to the public pool....

    ReplyDelete
  5. that's exactly why I stay clear of public pools...there are crazies everywhere. LOL. the worst is the bathrooms...I gag!

    Have a Happy Monday

    http://dinoheromommy.com/2013/07/01/summer/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There really are. And it really is the absolute worst.

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  6. If folks would be allowed to go nekkid, imagine where else you would see some piercings.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah! Did you really have to put that image in my head??? Ouch.

      Delete
  7. My coffee nearly landed on my computer when I read the end of your post. Oh my, so funny. I love it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
      Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  8. Okay, this post wins as funniest so far, in my book! You had me at " If you've never been to a public pool, think Wal-Mart without the coverage pajama pants affords." Coffee awash everywhere, I tell ya!

    Ew, just ew. I have noticed as I've grown more 'mature' that public places of water enjoyment squeam me out more and more. For example: Hubs and I recently went on a trip together and they had one of those swim-up bar pools. Yeah. Sit and watch one of those some time. Everyone gets in. Drinks. Drinks. Drinks some more. NO ONE gets out. Ummmm Hmmmmm. SOMEBODY'S breakin' the seal right there in that pool, becoming I. P. Freely, letting the alcohol flow in and flow out. GROSS! (If you don't know what breaking the seal is, it is when you first go tinkle after a few drinks, and then after that, you seem to have to go every 10 minutes...) Honestly, I would rather sit in the kiddie pool with 4 toddlers after they dined on beets, beans and greens than sit in an adult pool o' pee.

    Thanks for the laugh this Monday morning!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! I love it when people spit out their coffee! :)

      I've seen those swim up bars. I have never thought about the seal-breakage, though. (Yes, I did get an education at college. I learned all about it.) You have now thoroughly grossed me out.

      You're welcome!

      Delete
  9. This is so funny. I spent my days growing up at public pools and now am blessed to have a close family member with a huge inground pool. It is like royalty... I never imagined swimming all day could be so luxurious. My kids have NO idea what they are missing... perhaps I should let them read your post. :) The only real problem is that the private pool is so lovely that people descend on my loved ones' house constantly during the warm months. I have to remember two things about that: 1) Say "thank you" lots and lots of times and 2) Never have a pool of my own!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You lucky dog! People with pools certainly do become very popular once the heat of summer kicks in, aren't they?

      Delete
  10. Holy cow this was funny. The introduction alone got me giggling! I don't belong to a public pool and this is probably why. We have an above ground pool that pleases my little ones and we live near the beach. I'm sorry about the grandma comment; I'm pregnant and the dr. and nurses have no problem reminding me of my advanced maternal age or that I am acutally "elderly." UGH

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you liked it. Oh, the "advanced maternal age" bit. I got that with my last baby. Yes, I get it. I'm no spring chicken. I'd take an above ground pool any day of the week over the public pool.

      Delete
  11. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhcan'tbreathe!

    I want to write something back to every. single. thing.

    But I will say this - if C.O.W persists with the 'grandma' story, just lose the 'O.W' when you refer to him ;)

    It sounds like the kind of place that's horrendous and wonderful all at once. I know nothing replaces your Very Own Pool, but have you considered a sprinkler attachment to your hose in the garden? Even if your brood are running barefoot in whatever animal remains the coyotes left, they might be in less of a health hazard! Or you could go totally redneck and see if you can hire a skip then fill it with water ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I assume you're back to breathing normally now.

      Hahahaha! A versatile name it is!

      It is wonderful once everyone leaves at 4:00.

      We do have a sprinkler. And it's so funny you mentioned the health hazard of coyote leftovers. There are lots of old things the kids could step on, but we still get it out every once in a while. Actually, they enjoy the slip-n-slide more than the sprinkler.

      What, pray tell, is a skip? Although, with the redneck comment, I'm afraid to ask.

      Delete
  12. I have to agree with CLR: "think Wal-Mart without the coverage pajama pants affords" captures public pools perfectly!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oops, hit "send" too soon. I was going to say that even with all the drawbacks, public pools are a great way to cool down on a hot day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We have learned that it is soooo much better to go later in the day. The pool is much less populated and much more wonderful then.

      Delete
  14. OMG! I needed this today!

    P.S. For the record, the Cinnamon Toast Crunch I had for lunch... was a drink... not cereal. LOL!

    Julia @ Mom on the Run x2

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad.

      Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!! That makes the comment sooooo much funnier. I've never heard of that before! Obviously.

      Delete
  15. Replies
    1. Good. Hope Riley isn't disturbed by that. :)

      Delete
  16. You seriously have got to stop making me laugh so hard. I am going to need stitches if I keep this up! Bahaha!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No chance. I love it when people belly laugh. :)

      Delete
  17. Laughing and gagging and my head is now filled with some images I can't erase!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Muahahaha! So much skin and tats and cannonballs! Sounds like you do about 500% more boobie staring than I ever do! I'm all for tattoos, though! Love seeing the variety of art, but I never ask about the meaning/purpose (or rarely do)... too shy.

    I never knew life guards at such locations were actually so active. At the beach they barely do a thing. The public pool here is more of a wading pool, and so no lifeguard.

    Gross about the restrooms lol no thanks. Public restrooms aren't my thing, and kind of a last resort for me when able. Most places keep them pretty nice, though.

    You may still be bitter from the rude question asked of you ;-)

    Jak at The Cryton Chronicles & Dreams in the Shade of Ink

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whatever. You wouldn't be able to pull your eyes off either. I don't usually ask, either, as they're either self-explanatory, or I don't really care. Jesus on the calf, though, got me curious.
      Gross is a complete understatement.

      Just a bit. :) But I'm done mentioning it.

      Delete
  19. OMG, your Walmart quote is EPIC. I love it.
    I have only been to a public pool a handful of times in my life, and after reading this I am SUPER glad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you liked it.

      You should be. :)

      Delete
  20. #5! Yes. That! I try so very hard not to think about it. And having just returned from this very experience five minutes ago, it makes me wonder if you were there at the pool with me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is especially worse when you get to the bathroom, and for the 5th time forgot to put your sandals on. Ew, ew, ew!

      Perhaps we were! :)


      Delete
  21. I remember those days. One thing I always hated was seeing snot dribble out from kids' noses. All the blowing bubbles and snorting and spitting out water. Gross. God only knows the bacteria that live in a pool. What fun, though!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh the snorting snot. So gross. How did I forget that one!?

      Delete
  22. The bathroom one had me rolling-I've wondered the same thing: WHAT THE HELL AM I STEPPING IN?

    And I agree on the shrinking clothing, expanding people, tattoos and piercings. Ew.

    I used to be a lifeguard. The part I hated the most was working at the otter slide-the toddler area. Since toddlers have no attention span and no long term memory, they never listened. I would tell them to walk/not to run/etc and they would do it for about 5 seconds, then forget and take off again...

    Thanks for coming over and sharing on the Humor Me Blog Hop! :-D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What, really? I don't want to know.

      Glad I'm not the only one.

      Ha! I have to tell my three year old every single time he steps out of the pool (100 times in 20 minutes) to WALK!

      Delete
  23. Parents yelling is only made worse these days by them finishing it off with sarcastic please. And some tattoos have a life of their own, agreed! Ten again I would never be seen at a public pool cause that requires waxing ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, the please is the worst.

      Ha! That's why I wear the bathing shorts instead of a regular suit bottom! :)

      Delete
  24. I nominated you for the Liebster award if you have a chance to participate! http://lana88blog.blogspot.com/2013/07/liebster-award-nomination.html

    ReplyDelete
  25. I am never visiting a public pool... I think I am loaded with enough images in my head to last me a lifetime!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just go after 3:30, when most people have gone home. Far fewer images at that time.

      Delete
  26. Am laughing so hard at this post! And yes, the water on the changing room/bathroom floor is so suspicious. And gross. Ew.

    ReplyDelete
  27. We exchanged the community pool for boating/swimming at the lakes. So, we get all of that plus the added entertainment of barely legal getting drunk and doing utterly stupid things at full throttle; wake boarding, water skiing, jumping off of boats breaking the sound barrier. We've opted to skip weekends for the more quiet weekday escapes to the lakes. Then we only have to contend with high schoolers on summer break doing the same thing after they wake up from their hang over induced comas - which is about the time we're pulling our boat out of the water and heading home (noon). ;)

    Great post and thank you so much for linking up with the Humor Me! Blog Hop!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my! The boating scares the tar out of me. We sometimes rent a boat when we go on vacation, but I can only handle it on a very calm day, when very few other boats are on the water.

      Thanks for hosting!

      Delete
  28. Argh, the grandmother comment... that's awful. Don't people think before speaking?

    ReplyDelete
  29. This is such a hilarious post!

    I haven't been to a public pool in about 14 years...and I can only imagine how much worse it's gotten over the years. To add to the rude strangers, I cannot stand the rude strange guys who come to the pool just to troll the lovely ladies at the pool. It doesn't matter if you have a look of 'do not try to attempt to strike a conversation up with me' plastered all over your face, they will still try to ask your name. Classic line...'don't I know you from somewhere' LOL. Anyways...I'm having flashbacks now.

    The wet floors are very scary at the public pool. It's best not to think about it.

    Happy belated Listicles Monday
    Yona from http://artpark78.com/blog1

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for taking the time to tell me what you're thinking!