I'm So Going to Be a Cliche When I'm Old(er)

I do not want my kids to grow up.

Just felt like I had to get that out of the way before we begin.

It is a fact, unfortunately, that these dear ones will grow up.  They are growing up very quickly as I type. 

I can't change the fact, so I'm going to embrace it.  At least for today.

There are some definite advantages to children growing older and leaving the proverbial nest.

Our Listicle assignment this week is to list

10 Things I Look Forward To

1.  Eating out at every meal.  I enjoy cooking for other people.  I enjoy making them happier by putting their favorite meals in front of them.  I don't enjoy the pressure of having to come up with something to feed 8 people every single night, taking busy schedules into account.  When the kids are gone, there won't be anyone to make happy with food except COW, and he's happy with 4 pounds of hot dogs.

2.  Doing what I want when I want to do it.  My day is completely and utterly ruled by the schedules of other people.  My hair has been needing a cut for weeks now.  I haven't been able to exercise in an eternity.  I can't even go to the bathroom without someone yelling for me.  I'm really OK with it most of the time, but I am looking forward to being able to just browse through a store at a leisurely pace when the mood strikes.

3.  Walking through my house without thinking, "This house is a disaster!"  Messes make me crazy after a while.  I am pretty good about enjoying the kids and not getting overly concerned with a spotless house.  However, I have my limits.  I look forward to the day when my limits never get tested.

4.  Being friends with my kids.  I am a firm believer in being a parent, not a friend, with one's children.  While we do have plenty of fun, they know that I'm in charge.  Just yesterday I was talking to Phoenix about what I envision our relationship to be once he is older.  I expect to have loads and loads of fun with them, once I don't have to constantly remind them to brushteethputdishesawaydohomeworktakeashowerdoyourchores. 

5.  Traveling with my husband.  We both love, love, love to go new places and see new things.  We have put less into the kids' college accounts in order to put more into our retirement accounts.  As he gets older, he will be able to work less and less, and we will be going more and more.

6.  Volunteering/Working in a variety of ways I can't with children in tow.  There are so many things I want to do to help in schools and shelters and food pantries and hospitals.  I have thought I would like to be a doulah, helping women through the birth of their children.  I have thought about volunteering in the classrooms of inner-city schools, where parent involvement is much, much less than it is at my own children's school.  So many options, I am going to have a hard time choosing which ones to do.

7.  Spending more time with COW on a daily basis.  We only get a few, short minutes each night to see each other and chat before he's falling asleep on the couch.  I won't even have to wait until the kids move out for this one.  Once they are in school, I'll be able to have lunch with him at least a few times each month.  Once they are no longer needing us to take them to school, I see us spending the morning going to daily Mass and hanging out with our friends over breakfast, then doing something fun most days of the week.

8.  Seeing what my children do with their lives.  They all have such potential to do so many things.  It will be fun (I hope and pray) to see what career paths they choose, the adventures they pursue, the families they have, and the enjoyment they get out of life.

9.  Moving to a condo.  When we bought this house, COW and I made a deal.  We'd live here for 40 years, then it was off to a condo for us.  I don't foresee us making it to 40 years.  By year 25, after Cuckoo heads off on his own, we will be ready to give up the work of the little farm.  (I have no doubt, the chickens and pigs will be gone well before that.)  Can't have grass needing to be mowed if we are planning to be circling the globe a few times over. 

10.  Playing with grandkids.  We have made it clear to our kids that we will not be the grandparents taking the grandkids to school each day or taking care of them while their parents work.  We will, however, be fantastic grandparents.   We will have slumber parties and take them on trips and go to their games and have special dates with them.  It will be so much fun. 

Well, I've clearly got a long way to go before these things come to pass.  Two little boys are now at my knee begging me to play a game.  I'm off to play.  Someday, there will be plenty of time for writing and editing. 

Crossing my fingers there aren't too many typos...

Have a lovely day!

Monday Listicles - Oh, No You Didn't!

I have one friend who is an only child of only children.  She herself has two boys.  We have had conversations about how difficult it can be to see her kids fight, since neither she nor her parents ever experienced sibling rivalry.  Two boys was a bit of a rude awakening to how those of us with siblings lived.

I grew up with 5 siblings, so I knew exactly what I was in for when I had mine.  Doesn't mean I'm still not baffled by the things they fight over. 

For this week's Listicles, I give you...

10 Oh, No You Didn't Moments

aka stupid things my kids have fought about over the years
aka stupid things my siblings and I also fought over when we were young (aka through last year)

1.  One child clearly has to "go", and is quickly on his way to the bathroom, when another runs faster and slides into position in front of the child about to wet himself, despite the fact we have three toilets in the house. 

2.  While the table is still being set for dinner, one child sits down.  I then ask that child to get hot pads (or some such thing).  Upon return, he finds a sibling sitting in his chair, despite the fact no one is assigned a seat and no one is supposed to sit until the table is ready.

3.  These conversations:

Kid 1:  We went to PE today.
Kid 2:  We went to PE today.
Kid 1:  We played soccer.
Kid 2:  We played soccer.
(all possible, as all grades generally play the same thing at PE each week.)
Kid 1 (to test Kid 2):  I am 30 years old.
Kid 2:  I am 30 years old.

Game on.

4.  Kid 1 was reading a book/playing with a toy, then leaves it on the floor and leaves the room.  Upon return, finds a sibling reading the book/playing with the toy and claims, "Hey, I was reading that," despite the fact he left it on the floor 5 hours ago.

5.  When we first bought the big van, this happened on a daily basis.  Worst year of driving ever.  When the radio is on, one child sings along quite loudly.  Child behind the singer doesn't like the singer's voice, so tugs on the seatbelt of the singer, thus locking the seatbelt.  Singer is stuck in the upright position unless he unbuckles and lets the belt back into it's storage position. 

6.  I washed, dried, folded, and lovingly placed the kids' clothes on their beds for them to put away.  When children are putting clothes away, one finds that he was given a sibling's shirt.  He throws the shirt to the sibling.  (Oh, I can't tell you how many knock-down drag-outs have been caused by this move.)

7.  Two or more kids are playing a game.  There is a disagreement about the rules, and someone calls another a "cheater".  (My kids have done this countless times, but it never escalated to the extreme I took it with my sister.  She cheated (yes, she did!), my mom refused to get involved and make her play fairly, so I ran away.  I got about a mile away from home before my mom caught up with me.  (I was headed to Grandma's house four miles away.))

8.  Child 1 is pouring syrup on his pancakes.  Child 2 gets nervous that there won't be any left for him and yells, "Don't take it all!"  Child 1 continues to pour.  Child 2 loses his mind, despite the fact we have an unopened bottle on the counter.  (This also applies to milk, water, Legos, or anything else we may have at one time had in limited supply.)

9.  Child 1 is reading a book.  Child 2 is bored, goes to Child 1, and says, "I won, you lost."  Child 1 disagrees.  Child 2 repeats his claim.  Fight ensues, despite the fact that they never were even playing a game.

10.  Child 1 and Child 2 are sitting in the back seat.  Something is in the middle.  The thing in the middle slides a bit onto Child 1 when driver takes a turn.  Child 1 pushes the thing in the middle back off of himself, accidentally pushing it onto Child 2.  Child 2 finds this to be uncomfortable, and pushes it not so gently off of himself, which makes it slide back onto Child 1.  Fight ensues, despite the fact that the "something" in the middle is usually Turken and his booster seat.

Ah, kids.  Fortunately, we (usually) grow out of them.

As I type, I am not joking when I say two little boys are now standing in front of me screaming, "He did pull my shirt!!" and "He was blocking me!!" 

I must go now.

What do your kids (or did you and your sibling(s)) fight over?

Have a lovely day!

Monday Listicles - Impractical Things

Stasha's Monday Listicles topic this week is 10 Impractical Things.

Time is short today, so I'm giving you a quick list of 10 Impractical Things to Own when you are raising 5 boys.

1.  Glass Windows. 
2.  Shoot, glass of any kind, porcelain, or anything that could remotely be labeled as fragile.  (I want to know if you read that word as fra-gee-lay.)
3.  Forks.  They'd much rather just dig in like pigs.
4.  Furniture.  Much better to have an empty room for wrestling.
5.  Pants with buttons.  Asking them to put on anything besides basketball shorts is like asking them to clean all the toilets in a 5 mile radius.
6.  A nose.  If you don't see why this is impractical, you've never smelled the socks or shoes or feet or farts of a boy over the age of 3.
7.  While I don't agree, boys seem to think a toothbrush is impractical.
8.  A small yard.  A mother of 5 boys will yell "Get outside!" more than any other sentence in her repertoire.
9.  Dolls.  After the age of 2, this goes out of style with the male set.  (However, dress-up clothes, including dresses, do not.)
10.  A high-deductible health insurance plan.  You will visit the ER.  A lot.

Have a lovely day!

Monday Listicles - Photos of Life with Six Kids

Joining up with the Listicle gang today with the fun topic of 10 Photos of Life with Kids.

I had only a few minutes to go through the albums and narrow down to 10 that made me smile and told a bit of a story.  I'd love to have you over to pour through all 25 albums, but since I can't, here are some old photos to give you an idea of what life with six kids is really like.

1.  Appointments.  Lots and lots of appointments.  Between baby check-ups, sports physicals, sick visits, broken bones, 6 month dental visits, and emergency I-knocked-out-a-tooth visits, we have had more than our fair share of appointments.

Turken

   2.  Crying.  Especially during those first few years, with all those little ones running around, there always seemed to be someone crying.

Star

 3.  Odd medical phenomena.  Weird rashes, odd swelling, mysterious bruises, baffling blood.  They are all a part of raising half a dozen children.

Turken woke up one morning with one of his ears a whole lot bigger than the other.

4.  Hysterical mishaps.  Kids get themselves into the craziest predicaments, and I just can't help but to laugh and take a photo before helping them.

Buttercup went out to collect eggs, but forgot the basket.  She decided to simply put them in her pocket.  Before she made it to the house, she forgot about the eggs, bent over to get something, and broke one.  She sobbed for 5 minutes before I could stop laughing and help her that day.

5.  Firsts.  First steps.  First words.  First time sleeping through the night.  Baby books are filled with all of the "firsts".  Multiplied by six kids.   I'm always just as excited with Cuckoo's firsts as I was with Phoenix's.

Cuckoo's first haircut.  He was the only one with hilarious curly hair.  I waited way too long to cut it the first time.

6.  Traditions.  They help build a family, and with six kids, we need all the building and bonding we can get.

We always go to the state fair's farm for children and take a photo next to the same barn.  Watching them all grow taller in comparison to the stationary sunflowers really helps us see how much they've changed.

7.  Special occasions.  Birthdays, sacraments, important days.  Times six.  There's always something big going on.

Buttercup's First Holy Communion

8.  Messes.  Good heavens, can six kids make a mess.  Especially when helped out by colorful food.

Star, after eating an ocean-themed birthday cake.

9.  Stuff to do.  As they get older, kids want to join things.  With six kids, that is a whole mess of stuff to do.

Giant in a soccer game.

10.  Love and happiness.  When they aren't arguing or wreaking havoc, they are just plain lovable and making me smile till it hurts.

Have a lovely day!

Monday Listicles - Summer at the Public Pool

We are not fortunate enough to have a pool of our own.  My sister has a pool, but she lives in Kentucky and is of no help.  So, to beat the heat, we are relegated to the public pool.  If you've never been to a public pool, think Wal-Mart without the coverage pajama pants affords. 

Stasha's Listicle topic this week is "summer".  I shall give you...

10 Things You Will See at the Public Pool in the Summer

1.  Rude people who say rude things to complete strangers.  Cuckoo and I were having a lovely time playing in the big pool, he jumping in to me, when a young woman looked directly at me and said, "Are you the mom or the grandma?"   And it hurt, Man!*  (For those of you who heard about this on Saturday, I'm over it now.  I'll never mention it again.  I would have been over it sooner, but my dear husband won't stop laughing and telling everyone he sees about it.)

2.  Tattoos.  Going to the public pool is a lot like going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  Everywhere you turn, there's an artist's rendering of some object, event, or person.  In both places, you see original work depicting important events in a person's life.  Sure, in the museum, artists use mediums like pastels, paint, charcoal, and watercolor on everything from canvas to wood to metal, while at the pool, artists are limited to ink on skin, but that doesn't mean you can't appreciate a good image of Jesus at either place.  (No joke, I actually saw the face of Jesus taking up the entire calf of a woman at the pool. (Don't ask why it was on her calf.  I was too afraid didn't get a chance to ask her.)******* 

3.  Lifeguards.  They ain't what they used to be.  First off, now they all have to train with The Hoff.  Red is the new mandatory swim suit color, and every one must carry the big, red floating devices.  They never sit for more than 15 minutes before they are up and walking to another station.  These folks are focused, which means they catch all sorts of children behaving in ways they shouldn't.  Every 11 seconds, another whistle tweets, and children freeze, wondering if it was they who did something wrong.  Of course, it wasn't.  The kids running/hanging on the lane line/diving/sliding down the slide head first/wearing unapproved flotation devices are having too much fun to hear the whistles blowing.

4.  Skin.  Lots and lots of skin.  Bathing suits have become smaller and smaller as people have become bigger and bigger.  I tell you what, I'd almost rather they all just go naked.  At least then I could look away instead of constantly watching and wondering just how long that itty, bitty string is going to hold in that great, big boob. 

5.  Disgustingly wet floors in the bathroom.  Is it water?  Is it pee?  Does it matter?  It's all a nasty, cold, slippery germ locker that beckons to my child all day long.  I swear, Cuckoo goes to the bathroom maybe five times on a normal day.  At the pool, he must go at least five times in two hours.  I'm almost to the point of teaching him to put the P in the ool.  As I've heard many women who have used the facilities then failed to wash their hands say, "The chlorine will kill the germs."

6.  Teen boys doing cannonballs to impress the girls.  Nothing says, "You're cute," like a great, big, flood of water being thrown on you.  It usually works, as long as the boy comes up for air with the always adorable, only-the-young-can-do-it-without-throwing-his-back-out head toss.

7.  Bad parenting.  If I had a dollar for every parent I've seen screaming to his child from the side of the pool to, "Get out!  Come here!  No, give that back to him!  It's not yours!  Come here!  No, give it to him!  The whistle blew!  It's break time!  Give it back!  Get out!  We'll go home!  Do you want to go home?!  It's his!  Look, the lifeguard is getting mad!  We are going home as soon as you get out of that pool!  How about a snack!  Do you want a snack?"  I would be able to put my own blasted pool in my own back yard. 

8.  Piercings.  In every orifice, current or past, and in some places that have never been orifices to begin with.  Ears?  Of course.  Nose?  Yup.  Tongue?  Why not?  Belly button?  Oh, are there ever.  It must be the new thing.  Not only do females get their belly buttons pierced, they do them up!  Honestly, when we went to the pool last week, I saw no less than 10 chandeliers hanging off of people's midsections.  Oh, and the "never been an orifice"?  Yeah, a woman had two silver studs coming out of her lower back, about 3 inches above her bikini line.  "Why?" wasn't my first question.  My first thought was, "HOW???? Are they connected under the skin?  What's holding them in?  Are your kidneys OK with this?"  Baffling, I tell you.  Baffling.

9.  Water slides and high dives and dumping buckets of water.  Basically, everything your kid wants to do, but only if you do it with him.  Now, I've done all of these things, and I'm not afraid of no high dive.  However, I am afraid of catching my child who wants to go off.  Those couple of seconds before the child surfaces are horrifyingly long.  I'm not opposed to going down the ginormous water slide.  I am opposed to going down the slide while holding one of my children.  With the added weight, we tend to fly higher up the sides in the turns, which flips us all around and upside down, so I am a panicky mess trying to right us before we hit the water in a jumble while keeping said child's head above water.  I always walk away from that thing with bumps and bruises and scratches all over my body.  As for the buckets of water, I don't have to go under those.  I do, though, have to console the youngest boy when the bucket dumps on his head unexpectedly, and he flips out, slips, and lands on his head. 

10.  Children with ill-fitting suits.   There is always that one kid who has the new suit.  The suit that fit in the store, but once in the water, falls down with every pop out of the water.  You see the poor kid struggle each time he surfaces to pull the suit back up over his crack.  And then one time he turns around, and you see his suit has gotten so low, it is thiiiiis close to showing everyone in the place all that God gave him.   Poor kid.  And his poor mom.  All she wanted was to get him the cool suit with the beloved character on it.  Sure, it didn't have a string to tie it tighter, but it seemed snug enough.  It fit in the store!!!  When the mom sees this suit malfunction, she has flashbacks to when her oldest child took swimming lessons at the same age as this child.   During the swim test, he had to do 10 bobs.  He was facing away from the parents and towards the instructors.  Each time he came up, the parents were shown his nice, bright, white tush.  From the looks and laughs of the instructors, they were getting to see plenty of jiggle on their side.  Did anyone stop him?  No.  He merrily went along, bob down, pop up, pull up the suit, bob down, pop up, pull up the suit...as the entire place rolled with laughter.   The mom quickly snaps back to the present and the suit issue unfolding before her.  She can't force her entire brood to go home simply because of this one child's bathing suit, so she does the next best thing.  She follows him around everywhere he goes, yanking his suit up each time he surfaces.

OK, maybe you won't see #10 unless you go to the public pool where I go.  That would be my kid.  And yes, the story of the boy taking swim lessons was Phoenix when he was 4 years old.  It seems we fit right in at the public pool after all.

*If you have never watched "Kid President", do so now.  This quote is from "A Pep Talk".  

 *******  Good grief.  I found out why the woman had it on her calf.  On a whim, I googled "tattoo of Jesus on calf" to see if I could find a picture of one.  Guess what came up?  Justin Flippin' Beiber.  He has a tattoo of Jesus on his calf.  Asked and answered.  And gag me with a tattoo needle.

Have a lovely day and a fun, relaxing summer!

Feel Like You're Being Watched? It's Probably Me.

Today's Monday Listicle is "10 Things I First Notice about Someone". 

I am a people watcher.  I so enjoy observing others, and seeing what they do, how they interact, and their choices in personal hygiene.  I like to try to figure out their stories, their relationships.  I know I'm wrong almost every time, and there is no way to know anyone's story by simply observing them from afar, but I still enjoy doing it.

Oh, the conundrum...

Do I admit to being judgmental and turn you all against me?  by saying things like, "I notice if you're wearing pajama pants someplace other than your house.  I love to wear pajama pants, seeing as how they're so comfortable and all.  However, when you leave the house, GET DRESSED!  For the love, it's not that hard to put on a pair of real pants."

Or do I go safe and boring, although sometimes a bit creepy?  I always notice people's eyes.  That's boring, until I add... Especially one of Phoenix's friends.  He has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, and I just can't take my eyes off of them.  Even when I'm watching the boys play in a basketball game, I just look at this kid's eyes.  I'm sure the poor boy is completely creeped out by me.

 I think I'll go semi-safe.   On Thursday, I received a text that read, "Want to go see Tim McGraw tonight?  (a friend) backed out at the last minute, so I have an extra ticket."

Will it be way past my bedtime?  yes.

Do I even know any Tim McGraw songs?  One, I think.

Do I want to go?  Heck, ya!

So I went.   I gotta tell ya, there is some goooood people watching to be had at a Tim McGraw concert, my friends.

And for the list...

10 Reasons I Noticed People at the Tim McGraw Concert

1.  Honey, it looks like you outgrew that outfit when you were 14.  How about you head on to the stores and get yourself some clothes that actually cover your assets.  And by "assets" I mean your butt and your boobs and your belly.  Just to be clear.

2.  Sir, if you were with me, I'd pop you.  You are really making it hard for your lady to dance with your hand in her back pocket the entire evening.

3.  Excuse me, ladies, but there are six of you and one little boy which you seem to be sharing.  I'm just dying to know what the situation is.   Can you at least tell me which one of you is the mom?  Are you all related?  Are you sister wives?  Why aren't there any men?  This boy could grow one of two ways: the best husband in the world, as he knows women, or the worst husband ever, as he's spoiled rotten and would expect it from his wife.  Give me just a hint.

4.  Ma'am, where are your teeth?  Perhaps, instead of splurging on pavilion seats, you could have sat in the grass and used that saved money for some chompers?

5.  Older Lady with the outfit my daughter wore when she was 5, I recognize those dance moves.  You are a fan of High School Musical, aren't you?

6.  Tim, why are you singing a love song with Taylor Swift?  You are married to a famous singer.  Why not sing it with your wife? 

7.  People wandering around in the dark, looking for your cars in the humungous grassy parking lot, stinks to be you.  Although, it's good for me.  You are quite enjoyable to watch.

8.  Lady doing her hair after leaving the bathroom stall, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!  And now, as you leave, I will vomit in my mouth.

9.  Awww, older couple slow-dancing while everyone is sitting through the third slow song in a row.   Many happy years to you!

10.  Grumpy boys in yellow "security" polos, um, I can't take you seriously.  You are an 18 year old making sure no one stands in the aisle.  You are not the secret service guarding the president.   Smile a bit.  Or at least do something besides grunt.   You aren't old enough, nor fit enough, for me to actually trust you if an emergency were to break out.   Try to be a bit more polite.  I actually have a friend who is a secret service agent guarding the president.  He's not as grumpy as you.

Monday Listicles: It's a Celebration!

A number is completely relative.  If simply given the number 100, a person cannot say with confidence, "It is a large number."

If you're talking about the number of dollars you have in the bank, an adult may cry from the smallness of it.

If you're talking about degrees, a child may cry from the It's So Stinkin' Hotness of it.

100 cookies would be considered excessive.

100 Legos wouldn't be enough to make a good house, let alone a good castle.

100 words in a post would be unheard of/impossible for most of us.

100 Listicles would seem unreachable.

BUT...

Stasha has done it!  Today is the 100th Monday Listicle!  In celebration, our topic is "Why Listicles are Great (or anything else you fancy)".

Well, I only have three reasons for why Listicles are great:

1.  Funny, funny people link up each week, and it's always good to start a week with some belly laughing.
2.  The topics are great jumping-off points to test my own creativity.
3.  The writing of my Listicle and the reading of other Listicles are great excuses for procrastinating and avoiding my chores.

I am a great procrastinator.  I have no trouble coming up with something to do besides what I should be doing.  So, I'm going to take Door #2 and make a list of "anything else I fancy" while I put off cleaning and getting graduation decorations ready. 

10 Ways to Get Out of Doing Yard Work, Even When Your Yard Looks Like an Abandoned Property and Your House Looks Like It Was Taken Over By Homeless Squatters.
(aka What We Did This Weekend)

1.  Avoid the mower for a whole week, so when the grass/weeds are really long and it's time to mow, the mower's battery will be dead.  It takes an entire day to charge, and there isn't a darn thing you can do about it.

2.  Attend every single party to which you were invited (including the 8th grade picnic on the last day of school) even if it means you will talk to the same exact people at every single one.

And you'll get to take boring photos of kids signing each other's shirts, but unexpectedly get a shot of a basketball which looks like it's going to have a direct hit with your oldest's head.

3.  Have a yummy dessert disguised as breakfast at a restaurant, because, Hey! I have a 10% off coupon!

Chocolate Cheesecake Pancakes with a side of butter.  I talked him out of the Oreo Cheesecake pancakes with the logic that the Oreos would be too unhealthy.

3.  Hold a butterfly at the zoo's butterfly exhibit.

5.  Or not.

6.  Take a nice, long walk along the canal, because the big honkin' van you drive doesn't fit in any of the downtown parking garages.

7.  Visit with baby ducklings.

8.  Make fun of the city which thought it necessary to engrave "NO SWIMMING" in the canal ledge. At least until you remember there is such a thing as a "bike bar" in which people pedal a four-person bike while sitting at a stocked bar.  No doubt, some drunkard has taken a dip in that nasty water. 

I wish I could show you a photo of the bike bar, but sadly, we didn't see it on Saturday, and we haven't done it yet.  Have patience.  The day will come.

9.  Go to a parade, and not just because you feel guilty about never taking your youngest children to a hometown parade..

He waved to everyone/thing that passed by and stood up for every single flag.  Even the checkered "Indy500" flags.

10.  Simultaneously pity and laugh at filthy rich people who have technical difficulties when they believe They: Indy500 Parade :: Santa: Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.*

The parade came to a screeching halt for about five minutes because of this fiasco.  The owners of the actual Speedway track where the 500 is raced brought up the rear of the parade in three classic cars.  The first car broke down right in front of us.  The heads of the family were moved to another car, and the lower-ranked persons were forced to hoof it for the rest of the parade.  One went off into the crowd in a bit of a snit, while two actually ran behind the cars, dressed in their dress clothes and shoes.  I would have felt bad if it weren't so darn funny to watch.

  Now, go congratulate Stasha and see what others have to say!

*After that example of my analogy-writing capabilities, you probably think I rocked the analogy questions of standardized tests.  You would be wrong.

** Why yes, we do have six children.  Phoenix and Star aren't in the photos because they left the house at 7:00am to work at the parade with other Boy Scouts.

Have a lovely day!

Sitcom Dreams

It's still Monday.  I'm going to make it!  For the first time since March, I'm jumping on Stasha's Monday Listicles coattails.

Today's theme is 10 Movie or TV characters.

I have always wanted to be on a sitcom.  Always.  Still do.  Not because I like to act (though that is fun) but because when you see the "behind the scenes" or "bloopers", the cast always looks like it's having so much fun. 

And if I couldn't be an actor in a sitcom, my second choice was to in the family the show portrayed.  My parents divorced when I was little, and at different points both remarried, which meant some unpleasantness in the growing up years.  On bad days, these were the shows I fantasized leaving my family for.

So, to the list.  8 TV Shows I Dreamed of Being On, and 2 That I Didn't:

Eight is Enough

I wanted to be in this family for a variety of reasons.  First, I always wanted an older sibling who could drive and take me out for ice cream.  Secondly, the dad was fun.  But most importantly, the stepmom was awesome.  She clearly loved the kids and did what she could to be mom-like without replacing their mom.  Whenever I see a group of people doing a pyramid or playing football in the backyard, I think of this show.

Charles in Charge

First, Scott Baio.  Duh.
His nerdy friend (who happened to be one of the kids on Eight is Enough) annoyed me, but I liked the idea of a fun, cute "nanny" who was there all the time to answer questions and take care of the other kids.  (As the oldest, I was always the one in charge when my parents weren't home, after school being the most treacherous.  My mom always knew when school was out, as her phone at work would immediately start ringing with pleas for help and accusations of wrongdoing.)

Cosby Show

Bill will always have a place as the person who made me first fall in love with stand-up comedy.  He was the first stand-up I ever saw, and I fell off the couch I laughed so hard.

I wanted to be in that family because, while it was a real family with arguments and rules and some chaos, there were two parents who adored each other and were a team in raising their children.  For me, it was a good example of the life I wanted.

Fresh Prince of Belair

I cannot tell you how many times I wished I had rich relatives who wanted to take me in. 

This, though, is the show that I really wanted to be on just to hang out with the actors.  You know Will and Carlton had an absolute ball on that show.  The two of them could make me cry from laughing.  This episode.  One of the best scenes ever in a sitcom.

Family Ties

Despite the fact that Jennifer annoyed me, and they added that last younger brother to try to get new material for the show, I wanted to be a part of the family.   Now that I think back on it, it's probably only because Michael J Fox was so cute.  And I thought Justine Bateman's brother Jason might show up on set every once in a while.  Love(d) that Jason Bateman.


Mork and Mindy

Who wouldn't want to be friends with a Martian who lived in the attic?  I am very good at keeping secrets, and would have been of tremendous help to Mindy. 

Facts of Life

Living in a house with a bunch of girlfriends and Mrs. Garrett?  What could be better?  Mrs. Garrett ran a tight, loving ship that I would have thrived in.  Jo and I would have totally hit it off.  "Tomboy" was my middle name growing up.  Plus, I could have met Molly Ringwald.  That would have been some serious celebrity connecting right there.

Dukes of Hazzard

I grew up a policeman's daughter, and I was old before my time.  I never broke any rules.  I lied to my dad one time and broke out in a cold sweat while doing it.  My siblings and I didn't exactly get along for many years, so the Hazzard family became my dream.

Daisy was adored by her two cousins and Uncle Jesse.  Despite the fact that Rosco P. Coltrane was forever chasing them, they were tame rebels who never broke any laws (besides speeding) that I remember.

One of the cars actually used in Dukes of Hazzard is owned by someone on the southside of Indy.  Every time I see it, I so want to slide in through the window, speed off, and go fly over a creek or something.

*************

Three's Company

It seems my parents didn't like our original names, as all four of us children have nicknames.   You all know my name is Christine, but until I moved to Arkansas and was able to get a new identity, I went by the name of Crissy.  Many in my family still do.  I don't think I would have had a problem with it if it weren't for the show Three's Company.

Thanks to Three's Company, "Crissy" will forever and always be associated with ditzy.  And clumsy.  And big-bosomed.  Basically, everything I don't want to be.  Or can't be without the help of a certain blog friend's husband. 

I wish this show had never been on the air.

Alf

I will never understand the reasoning behind putting a puppet on a sitcom.  Especially a puppet that wasn't very funny.


There you have it.  A little walk down TV memory lane. 

Any characters or shows resonate with you when you were young? 

Have a lovely day!

Monday Listicles - The Elusive Spring

Dear Mother Nature,
I hate you.
Love,
Christine

(In Mother Nature years, I'm still a teenager.)

I took the kids to Kentucky for a wonderful day of spring weather, baby lambs and all.  (most adorable photos will come tomorrow)  The kids even got a sunburn after being outside for 6 hours straight.

Gorgeous day, I tell you.

Then we came home.  It is snowing in Indiana.  Again. 

The weathermen and their yardsticks are back.  Even the snow plows are sliding off the road.

Bah. $%&*.  Humbug.

According to the calendar, and many, many people who live in better parts of the country, spring is here, so Stasha has chosen the topic 10 Things Spring for our Listicle today.

Here are ten things our family would be doing if Mother Nature got her act together and flipped the flippin' spring switch.

1.  Gathering/chopping/mulching the branches and twigs littering the yard.  It's been a long, windy winter, so there a whole mess of them out there.  We will then be able to spread that mulch all over our "flower" beds.  There won't be any flowers in the flower beds, seeing as how the dogs find the flower beds to be the best places to dig holes and have a little lie down.

2.  Disposing of the dead animals the dogs have killed over the winter.  First up is the massive opossum decorating the front yard.  I'm sure there are plenty of moles, mice, and various other creatures dotting the property, frozen and completely not decomposing because of the unusually long, cold winter we've had.

3.  Plowing and planting.  The lettuce and spinach seeds are patiently waiting.  They'll be first up.  Then the strawberries, garlic, beans, potatoes, peppers, tomatoes...So much planting. 

4. Mowing the yard.  We can't say lawn, as there are more weeds than grass, but it still needs mowed.  In spring, the yard takes on that sickly look, with some spots being a foot tall, but others still barely an inch tall.  It should be time for us to get the Dixie Chopper up and running so we can spend four to five hours each week keeping the yard under control.

5.  We can't waste all of those grass clippings, so we'll be raking and spreading them on the newly plowed and planted garden.   Lots and lots of raking, hauling, and spreading.

6.  Fixing the pig pen fence.  The new batch of hogs will arrive early April, and the fence has seen better days.  If the fence doesn't get some TLC right quick, those pigs will become free-range, dead pigs.

7.  Completely redesigning the chicken run, including putting up new fence and net cover.  The new chicks will be arriving in late May/early June, and we are determined to keep our new flock of chickens alive.  We are giving up on the completely free-range and going fenced in.  Those coyotes and dogs aren't getting any more meals from our coop!

8.  Soccer games will begin he weekend of April 13.  That means we get to pack up the car with chairs, umbrellas, blankets, soccer balls, and toys for the little boys.  We need to be ready for the rain, mud, and cold temperatures we will encounter on our weekends of non-stop soccer games.   

9.  Do the winter/summer clothes shuffle.  Haul the boxes out of the basement.  Try on clothes previously worn by other children.  Figure out what needs purchased to fill in the holes.  Then separating and boxing up the winter clothes into the appropriate totes.  The fun part starts after the major hauling is done and the boxes are back in the basement.  For 5 months, every single time I do laundry, I will find one item of clothing that should have been included in one of those boxes.  Do I let them pile up and do it all at once or find the correct box each and every day as I uncover the loose items?

10.    Clean up all of the dog poo before the kids step on it.  Picture it:  Six kids fanning out over a field, shouts of, "I found some!" coming fast and furious as I run around with a shovel, picking up each and every poo pile the children locate.  It's kinda like our own little Easter egg hunt.  Without the candy, of course.

Dear Mother Nature,
We apologize for our mother.  We believe you know what you are doing.  Keep up the good work.
Love,
The Coop Children

Have a lovely day!

Listicles - My Husband Is Awesome

My husband cracked some joke at my expense, and I warned him that he better be nice.

Me:  Our Monday Listicle this week is 10 Ways Your Partner Is Awesome.  I don't have to write one.  Or I can really, really make fun of you.

Him:  Am I going to have to write it myself?

Me:  Ooooh, would you?  That would be hilarious!  Please, please, please???

Him:  No.

Me:  Come ooooonnn.  Please.

Him:  Alright, but you'll have to ghost write it for me.

Me:  You'll dictate it and I'll add the bling?

Him:  No, more like you write it.  The whole thing.  As a ghost writer.

Fine. 

5 Reasons My Wife Thinks I'm Awesome by Hubby, Ghost written by me, as Hubby wanted nothing to do with it. 

1.  I can still wear the same clothes I wore in college.  Yes, he can.  He wears his humongously oversized water polo sweatshirt from 1989 from the moment he gets home.  As for his size 28 pants, not so much.  Either way, the rule still applies:  Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

2.  I can tell a seriously funny bodily function joke.  While it is true he can come up with a funny flatulence pun, it really isn't a reason that I find him to be awesome.  He's basically ruined our family with it.  For example, we all went to a Boy Scout Court of Honor in which four boys we know became Eagle Scouts.  The ceremony was an hour and half long, including speeches from the parents, awards from the scout leader, and the scout oath being recited by the four boys.  A real tear-jerker, even for the dads.  On the way home from the event, Turken spoke first.  The only thing he took away from it?  Referencing the line from the scout oath that says, "I will do my best to do my duty,"  he recalled, "They said doody."  Every single member of my family proclaimed, "I thought the same thing when they said it!" 

No, that is not a quality which I find awesome.

3.  I buy jewelry.  Yes, I may have made a mistake when I bought her the bathroom scale, but I've learned.  Ask her for a peek in her jewelry box.  Yes, he does buy some nice jewelry.  Beautiful pieces that don't match the conservative cardigans I wear almost every single day throughout the winter, or the t-shirts I sport all summer.  I feel badly that I don't wear them.  Even on the one night a year we dress up for his firm's Christmas party, the jewelry rarely matches my chosen dress.  I do wear my bracelets, but the necklaces are hard to pull off.  Perhaps if he gave me pearls, I could be like June Cleaver.

4.  I bring flowers home on random days throughout the year.  I agree.  This is awesome.

5.  I agreed to buy the farm.  She fell in love with the house, whilst I did not.  I knew it was going to be a lot of work, and probably a lot of money, but I let her buy it anyway.  Hot bunch of hooey.  Kinda.  He likes the property.  He likes the garden.  He likes the pork in the freezer.  He likes the history of the place.  He does hate the money-pit part. 

*********************************************

As any reader of this blog knows, I make fun of Hubby all the time, and he's a great sport about it.  I hope readers also see how much I love and appreciate him.  In case that is not true, I'm just going to lay some things out for you.

5 Reasons My Husband Really Is Awesome.


1.  He has never one time complained about my homemaking skills.  Terrible dinner?  He eats it.  Messy house?  He steps over the clutter on his way to give me a kiss hello.   The children have me frazzled and exhausted?  He tells me to have a seat and relax.

2.  He is the perfect dad for sports-minded children.  He stands on the sidelines, showing support without saying a word.  He doesn't yell at them.  He doesn't tell them what to do.  He treats them as the kids they are, with no agenda of getting them scholarships.  Plus, he understands their love of watching games.  He appreciates their obsession with the statistics and the brackets and the rosters.  He enjoys sports talk and game watching right along with them. 

3.  He is the funniest person I know.  I know a lot of funny people, and he makes me laugh more than any one of them  (I'll admit, even the bodily function jokes make me laugh every once in a while.)

4.  He is a goal-setter/long-term planner.  It is the perfect yin to my "Look! Squirrel!" yang.  We would never be able to help our kids through college, and we'd never be able to retire without his foresight.

5.  He encourages every decision I make.  From being a stay-at-home mom to taking the kids on a spring break trip without him, to sleeping in on Saturday, he does all that he can to make it happen.

****************************************

Head on over to Stasha's to read about some more awesomeness.

Have a lovely day!

Monday Listicles - Buyer's Remorse

 

As you know, I have no problem throwing my poor husband under the bus if it means a good, funny listicle.  I've paraded his terrible phone photos and I've told of the ridiculous gifts he's given to me.  It's only fair that today, Stasha gives us the task of listing our 10 Dumbest Purchases.

I don't take my children shopping unless I have to.  Shopping with six children is horrible.  (For those of you with young children, this is as easy as you will ever have it in a store.   It gets worse as they get older.  While I don't have surprise poo explosions, I do have kids the same size as adults goofing off in the aisles.  When they were 6,5,4, and 3 they were a whole lot easier to corral and contain.  Unfortunately, a child that is five feet tall doesn't fit in the seat of the cart anymore.)

Since I rarely have time to myself to shop, I don't buy much.  But holy cow, when I am on my own and have the time to peruse and ponder and listen to stupid sales pitches, I lose all brain power.  I make the dumbest purchases when I am without the kids.

Buyer's remorse?  Yeah, I've had that.

My 10 dumbest purchases to date:

1.  Sun dresses.  Do I wear sundresses on a daily basis?  No.  Are they practical for my lifestyle as a fake farmer?  No.  So why do I have so many in my closet?  Because they were on clearance.  Look at that pretty dress!  And it only costs $20!  Forget the fact that peach is not a good color on me.  Forget that I have a smaller chest than most 40 year old men.  These dresses are great deals!  So, they sit in my closet, unworn.  For years. 

Pretty, but not good for me.  Not good at all.

2.  Nail buffer/shiner thing-a-ma-jiggies.  Walking through the mall, a nice man stops me and asks to see my nails.  Oh, the horror of the nails!  He gasps, then pulls out the first thing-a-ma-jig and starts buffing a fingernail.  As he does each finger, he talks.  How little time it takes.  How lovely my nails will look.  How, if I buy one set, he will throw in another for free.  I drive a hard bargain, ready to walk away, so he cuts the price for two even more, if I agree to take a broken box.  So, of course I buy them.  One for me and one for my mom.  My nails were so pretty!  How could I not?  Only later, when I could get away and get my brain back did I realize what a schmuck I am.  I am a fake farmer!  My hands are in the dirt or picking up horrible things most days.  I will ruin my pretty nails in two seconds flat.  Oh, and I found out that I can only do this buffing thing every once in a while, as it actually takes off a layer of each nail.  Not exactly good for them.  I have used the thing one time, and they didn't look nearly as good as that first time.  And, I've never given the other set to my mom.

But it comes with the lotion!  It must be a good deal!

 
3.  Mouth guard.  I have always been a nighttime teeth grinder.  I have actually ground my pointy teeth down to the point that they aren't pointy.  When I was in high school, I was fitted for a mouth guard to wear at night.  I apparently didn't like it, as I would (in my sleep) take it out and throw it across the room.  When I would wake up in the morning, I would have no idea where it was.  I once found it behind my dresser.  I finally just stopped wearing it.  (Yes, Dad, I know how much you spent on it.  No need to comment.) So as an adult, when my dentist told me I needed one, I really should have just said, "Yeah, I won't wear it.  Don't bother."  But no, I am a rule follower.  And a wimp in certain situations.  I went ahead and got the molds done and bought the stupid thing.  In the last 4 years, I've worn it a few times. 

Ew.

 
4.  A smartphone for Phoenix.  I went into the store with a used iphone to add to our account for him.  I walked out with an off brand smartphone (which means none of the games and apps he had on his ipod would even transfer) and a huge monthly bill.  Luckily it took me only 30 minutes to realize what a schmuck I was.  I had to pay a $35 restocking fee, but did walk out with a simple slide phone and no data plan for him. 

5.  A Scentsy "candle".  While I've never given Hubby anything as bad as a bathroom scale, I haven't always given the best gifts.  Two Christmases ago, I was at a loss as to what to get him.  Two women in my Bible study group (one of whom sells Scentsy, of course) were talking about their Scentsy candles and how surprised they were at how much their husbands liked them.  My own husband was in a kick of always lighting the teacher gift candles that I have received over the years, so I thought he would like it.  Just so you know, no husband wants a Scentsy for Christmas.  Duh.

Used twice.  Out of pity.

 
6.  Magazine subscription.  Each of my kids has his own magazine subscription, and they love them.  One year for Christmas, I got all of my nephews subscriptions to Zootles, one of our favorites.  When my family got together at some point after Christmas, I asked my siblings if they had received them.  The responses I got were not good.  "Oh, I thought that was a publication from the zoo.  I just tossed it!"  about sent me over the edge.  I never did hear how the kids liked them now that my siblings knew to look for them.

How could this be thrown away without being read?!?!?

7.  Bikes for my children.  Normally, these would be great things to buy.  Except I don't know the sizes of my children.  I have purchased a bike WAY too big for Giant, so he had to wait a year before he could actually ride it.  I bought a purple bike with a basket for Buttercup, which she enjoyed for about 6 months.  Lastly, a tricycle for Cuckoo for his last birthday.  While it is adorable, I found that he is in reality much bigger than he is in my mind.  The trike was too small for him the day I bought it, but he loved it so much we couldn't take it back.

I guess he's not going to be my little baby forever.  At least I learned that now and not when I bought him a pair of OshKosh overalls for his 10th birthday.

 
8.  Weights.  I didn't actually purchase these, but I asked Hubby to get them for me for my birthday one year.  He did.  They moved with us from our apartment in Arkansas, to a storage place while we lived in Bermuda, to our apartment in Bloomington, to our apartment in Indy, to our first house.  I used them 5 times.  They did not make the cut when we moved to the farm.

Just like mine, but mine were blue.

9.  Bike and workout clothes.  Back when the big kids were little, I was determined to get myself in gear.  I got up at 5:30 each morning to go for a run or head to the gym to swim or ride the stationary bike and be back before Hubby left for work at 6:30.  I trained long enough to be able to race in one triathlon.  One.  And have never willingly been up at 5:30 again.  The bike has sat unused ever since.  The clothes are probably dry-rotted in the drawer.  I wouldn't know.  I haven't touched them in years.

10.  Wii Fit (or whatever the thing is called.)  Hubby and I decided we were going to spend our time together at night doing something healthy.  It lasted about 3 weeks.

Well, this little list has really shown me how gullible I am as well as how little gumption I have when it comes to physical fitness.  Good to know.  I will now go hang my head in shame for the rest of the day.

Or until I find an AS SEEN ON TV Shake weight or Ab burner at Walgreens.

Wow, can't believe I found someone who looks so much like me!

 Have a lovely day!
 

Monday Listicles - Joy. No, Not the Dish Soap.

After Friday's list of things that frustrate me, it's probably a good thing that the Monday Listicle for today is something positive.  We are to come up with 10 Tiny (or Secret) Things That Bring You Joy. 

I talk too much, so I don't have any secrets about myself.  (About others, plenty.  But that info is in the vault.  (Name that show!))  Guess we're going with just plain old tiny things that bring me joy.  

Things like...

1.  Seeing the first robin of the year.  Robins are so much better at predicting the start of spring than that silly groundhog.  Today, the first robin showed up in our yard.  Praise Jesus, I will be warm again some day soon!

2.  Speaking of the groundhog, it is bringing me so much joy that Turken cannot remember the word "groundhog".  He keeps calling it Mole Day.  When he sees the picture of the groundhog he colored in school, he calls it a mole.  You may be saying, "Groundhog Day was weeks ago.  Why does he keep talking about it?"  Because I keep asking him about it.  And I will keep asking him about it until he figures it out.  Mole Day just cracks me up.

3.  Clever, funny commercials.  Lately, it is this one in particular:

4.  Learning something new.  Like how to put a video in a post.  BAM!

5.  Finding that my husband has made the bed while I was getting breakfast for the kids.  Really, anyone making any bed without being asked brings me immeasurable joy.

6.  Going on a walk around our yard without finding any dead animals or bones left over from a dead animal.  Come spring, I will have quite the dilemma on my hands.  Go outside to enjoy the beautiful weather, or stay inside and avoid all the carnage?  Decisions, decisions.

7.  A nice big bowl of Chocolate Moose Tracks ice cream.  So. Much. Joy.

8.  The wonderful aroma of a flower bed full of hyacinth.

It's why I take the kids to the zoo.  The folks at the White River Gardens (next door to the zoo) always plant lots of hyacinth just for me.

9.  When someone says, "Do you have ____?" and within seconds I actually do have ______.  I love being organized, or at least tricking people into thinking I am organized.

10.    Unexpectedly receiving a hug or a peck on the cheek from one of my kids.  Makes my heart so very joyful. 

You know I had to get one sappy one in there.  I'd look like a terrible mom if I didn't even mention my kids in a list of things that bring me joy.

No school today, so off we go to get kids' eyes checked and hairs cut.  I know how to bring my kids joy, for sure.

Have a lovely day!

Monday Listicles - Is It the Thought That Counts?

Gotta tell ya, I didn't think there were worse things than political ads before an election.  But there are.  (Every kiss begins with) Kay and (He went to) Jared commercials before Valentine's Day are just gag me with a spoon bad.

Gag me.  With a spoon.  A spoon, I tell ya.

Fortunately, we have a wicked fun Monday Listicle this week to take our minds off of them.

Ten OH, NO YOU DIDN'T gifts 

The first five will be gifts that, thankfully, Hubby has avoided.  (Mostly because he learned from the mistakes of my relatives.)  The second five are things actually done by my dear, dear husband.  By the end, you will be shocked that I am still married to him.

10.  The expensive, predictable gift.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Don't buy roses on Valentine's Day.   Just don't do it.  Roses in June are lovely.  Roses on Feb. 14, when they cost 5 times their normal price, irritate me.  And it's not even original.

9.  Stuffed animals.  Once a girl passes the age of 5, just don't do it.  Hubby has not made this mistake, but my dad did.  When I turned 10, he gave me a stuffed bear and a stuffed carrot.  Kid you not.

The smile in this photo is completely fake.  I am and always have been a polite people pleaser, so I smiled for the camera.  (OK, after this post you may not believe my polite people pleaser claim, but it's normally true.)

I do not want stuffed animals.   I am not a kid.  Stuffed animals are not cute.  Even if there is a diamond necklace around that stuffed animal's neck, don't give me a stuffed animal.  Put the necklace in the box.

8.  Coupons.  You know, those handmade ones that say things like "I'll do the dishes" or "a foot massage".  It's cute when my kids give them to me, especially when they say things like "peace and quiet from me for one hour".   Regardless of who gives them, I'm never going to redeem them.  It's really a non-gift. 

I'm just saying, you darn well be doing dishes and giving foot massages without me having to cash in a coupon to make you do it.

7.   Clothes with animals or cartoon characters on them.  This goes along with #7.  When I was 17, my dad gave me a purple sweatshirt with a shiny cat on it.  Came with matching shiny cat earrings, too.  I am not a child.  My bosom may be small, but cute cuddly kittens do not belong on it.  (A note to the three men who read this:  Even if your wife/girlfriend would like a shirt like that, don't get it.  Save her from herself.)

6.  A Chia pet.  My youngest brother gave me one once, because he buys things he really wants for himself, then gives them to people.  Usually with the statement, "If you don't want it, I'll take it."  He's a bit immature that way.  Even the funny Chia pets that look like people with an afro should not be given.  (Unless you are at a party in which gag gifts are exchanged.  Then it is completely acceptable.)

Really, I'm not wanting any sort of plant.  I will forget to water it until it is drooping from dehydration.  So I water it and watch it come back to life.  And then I don't water it.  It starts to droop.  Eventually I will get very tired of this plant dance we have going on and just toss it into the compost.  No need to do that to either me or the harmless, innocent plant.

Do I sound a touch ungrateful yet?  Just wait.  It's time for the gifts my husband has actually given.

Before I throw him under the proverbial bus, I must show you how good he can be.  The potential he has failed to live up to.

Too bad for him, the first gift my husband ever bought for me set the bar way too high. We were 16 years old. He went to three different jewelry stores in town to find a necklace that matched my eyes. He finally found the one he wanted; a gorgeous blue topaz pendant on a gold chain. Undeterred by the fact that it cost more money than he had, he went to the salesperson. My dear boyfriend emptied his (Velcro) wallet onto the counter, told the man that this was every dime he had, and could he please have that necklace. The salesperson took pity on him and let him have it.

Tear jerker, I know.

Now that you adore my husband, I can get to the list.
 
5.  One year he mistakenly put off his Christmas shopping.  At 8:00 on Christmas Eve he went to Meijer (What do you get when you cross a Wal-Mart and a Target?  Meijer.) and purchased all of my gifts and stocking items.  I got a Farmer's Almanac for Christmas.   Clearly he forgot that I'm not a real farmer, but simply play one on TV.

4.  One year, when we had four young, young children, he got me/us a package of dance lessons.   He had the beginning of a good thought, seeing as how we had taken dance lessons before we had kids (as in, I was very pregnant with Phoenix) and had lots of fun.  The only problem was, he didn't think farther.  Who, I ask, was going to get a sitter lined up for each and every dance lesson?  Who, I ask, was going to get the kids fed and all ready for that babysitter?  That would be me.   It was just such a pain in the neck to actually get to the lessons, so we only used three of the seven allotted to us.  (Fortunately, he used this experience to learn something.  The next time he got me lessons, it was for a photography/darkroom class I got to attend all on my own while he stayed home with the kids.)

3.    For my 30th birthday, he gave me what woulda, coulda been the perfect gift; plane tickets to NYC with the sole purpose of seeing as many Broadway shows as we could fit into three days.  Awesome idea. Except we had children.  Children aged 2,1, and 5 months.  Children I had never left before except when I was in the hospital to deliver one of them.

While Hubby did think far enough ahead to schedule a person to watch the kids, it was his mother.  After her stints at watching them while I was in the hospital delivering babies, I was not exactly confident that she would be able to handle the three of them herself.   We'll leave it at that.

While his choice in sitter for my first time away was difficult enough for me, there was one bigger problem.  I WAS STILL EXCLUSIVELY NURSING THE BABY! Star had never set lips on a bottle when I got this wonderful gift. He was still nursing twice at night. The gift meant I had to wean him. He did not want to be weaned. We'll leave it at that.

While we did go on that trip, he was told in no uncertain terms to never, ever do that to me again.

2.  If you are a long-time reader, you might remember the compost bucket we had in our old kitchen.  The Meijer gallon ice cream bucket.  It was nasty, but it worked.  And it could be replaced each time we finished a gallon of ice cream.

Well, one year Hubby thought I might want a nicer compost bucket.  One Christmas, he gave me a lovely ceramic one.  Two problems.

One, we had an ugly kitchen that was falling down around us.  The Meijer bucket really fit the decor much better.

More importantly, (two) it was ceramic.  A child is in charge of taking the compost out to the compost pile.  It was only a matter of time before that child dropped the ceramic on the concrete walkway.

Each day at chore time, I was a nervous wreck.  As the child headed out the door, I would remind him, "Be careful!  That is fragile!"  (Always pronounced fra-gee-lay, thanks to A Christmas Story) and then I would pray that he made it back safely.

I only had to go through that daily torture for 3 weeks before the child came in crying and upset that he had dropped the ceramic compost bucket.  It was no longer a bucket but a hundred ceramic pieces on the walkway.

1.  This last gift is so, so bad that I really should have just given it all ten slots and called it a day.  At least then I wouldn't sound like such an ungrateful heel. 

The worst gift ever given to a wife by a husband...

After gaining 45 pounds during pregnancy, I delivered Phoenix in September, then celebrated my birthday in November.  For that birthday he gave me...

wait for it...

a bathroom scale.

He thought I would want to see how much weight I had lost since giving birth.

Too soon.  My dear, delusional husband.  Too.  (Still fat.)  Soon.

Go forth and have a lovely day!