It's Local* Friendship Day!

For a long, long time I have been feeling sorry for myself.  It started when my best friend moved away 5 years ago.  It got worse when my next closest friend moved away a year and a half ago.  I basically had a 12 month pity party, where I was the only party goer.

I was sad that I wasn't the first person people thought of when they wanted to go to lunch.

I was disappointed when I wasn't invited to go to things.

I was upset when people failed to call or even text me.

Here I was, surrounded by many, many people who would do anything I asked if I needed help, yet I was lonely.

And then I realized something.  I was probably in the shower, as that is where most great epiphanies happen.

When was the last time I called anyone to invite her to lunch??

When was the last time I invited anyone to anything?

When was the last time I called anyone just to see how she was doing?

I couldn't remember.

Honestly, I was expecting people to reach out and be my friend, but what was I doing to show them I appreciated them or cared two wits about them??

Things needed to change.

The first thing I decided to do was actually mail the cards I always thought to mail but never actually mailed.

When it was announced at church that an acquaintance's relative passed away, I was going to send a sympathy card.

When I saw something that reminded me of a person, I was going to either buy it and send it, or send a note telling her I was thinking about her.

I was going to call my friends who had moved away.

I did it.  I started doing these things, and people noticed.  Months after I sent a sympathy card to a woman, I ran into her at a church function.  The first thing she did was thank me for the card.  She was genuinely touched to be remembered like that.

And then my goal to be a good friend was tested.  Repeatedly.

One of my book club friends suffered a terrible loss when her baby was stillborn. 

Another friend unexpectedly lost his father.

Another friend's mother had some serious medical and mental problems, and as an only child felt overwhelmed and alone, along with the emotions a person in this type of situation normally felt.

Another friend's husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

While my family was perfectly healthy and fine, my friends were going through some life-changing, scary, devastating days.  What was I going to do?

I ended up having to do only one thing.

Through all of these months of heartbreak, I learned that in order to be a good friend, I simply needed to be there.

I needed to be willing to go through the suffering with them.  When they needed to talk, I had to sit with my mouth shut and listen.  When they cried, I needed to hold their hands and keep my mouth shut.  When they vented, I needed to be on the other end of the phone but keep my mouth shut.

I just needed to be there to let them talk, cry, or vent their anger.  I needed to show up.

And then, when the original, most awful part of the suffering was over, I could act, since acting is my natural way of behaving.

I sent texts frequently, just to tell them I was praying.

I cooked to help feed the flood of relatives coming in for funerals.

I began calling my friends' mom and taking her out to lunch to give my friend a chance to relax.

I went to funerals and funeral meals, helping to keep in-laws comfortable and children occupied.

I put together lots of freezer meals for days when chemo treatments were just too much for both of them.

I wrote to them, telling them how important they all were to me.

And they responded.  Every one let me know how much they appreciated the things I had done.  Three of the four even said they had to wait to respond, because they were crying and couldn't put two words together.

I learned a lot about being a friend this year.

When someone is suffering, so often we are afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, and in our fear we do nothing.  I learned that doing nothing is the worst thing we can do.  We need to be there and let our friends know we care.

And this doesn't just apply to tragedy.  It applies to every friendship we have. 

People simply want to feel loved.  We want to know people think fondly of us. 

In order to be a good friend, we need to let our friends know just how special they are.

Fortunately, I have some people in my life who are pros at showing kindness, thoughtfulness, and love.  By watching them, I am learning even better ways to be a friend.

You have all heard me talk about Lizzi.  She is that lovely English blogger who started the 10 Things of Thankful blog hop.  I have never met her in person, but time and time again, she has shown me how to be better at building friendships.  She encourages those who need encouraging.  She applauds those who deserve applause.  She plainly lets people know how much she appreciates them.  She helps friends who need help.  She goes out of her way to do things in honor of her friends.  And she sends presents to people just to let them know she is thinking of them.

Because of her example, I have been much better at letting my friends know just how special they are to me.

Another person who is a great example for me is Kris.  She is so very good at paying attention to details.  When I talk to her, I know I have her full attention, and she is taking note of all I say.  And she does this with everyone she meets.  She actually knows the names of all kids and parents of everyone who has ever played any sport with her boys!  She is very good at remembering these details, and using them at a later date. 

To give you an idea, let me just tell you about the birthday/Christmas presents she got for me.  First, she took me out for dessert to a place I had never been, and bought me not only a bowl of soup for my dinner, but a fantastic, gigantic piece of chocolate cake, with a dollop of ice cream on the side. 
And then, she pulled out some gifts.  The first was my birthday gift.  A lovely, sparkly barrette in the shape of a peacock, because she thinks we should go into the peafowl business next.  After that, she got all excited and told me she couldn't wait to give me my Christmas present and was going to give it to me immediately.

 This is the bag it came in,

and I have to agree.  It certainly was a fabulous gift.  One she clearly had to put thought and planning into.

Back in August, I wrote a post about COW getting rid of a bat we found in the cushion of our family room chair.  COW is horribly afraid of bats, and to end the story I wrote,

Come to the Coop.  Conquer your fears.

There's a T-shirt in there somewhere.

 

 

She remembered that post, and gave me this:

 

 

It really isn't the color of an old, dingy, yellowed shirt.  I just took it at night, so it looks like it.

 

How awesome is that?!?! 

 

Because of Kris, I have been learning how to pay closer attention to details.  How to take note of those little things which would show a person how special she is to me. 

  

I am grateful for the example both of these wonderful women are giving me.

 

And while we are talking about being a good friend, I must add this.

 

It is the big release date for the book I'm in!!!!

 

The Herstories Project:  Women Explore the Joy, Pain, and Power of Female Friendship is on sale now!!!

 

In this book, 50 women writers paint real pictures of friendship; in addition to paying homage to the beauty and power of their relationships, they share the gritty details of bitter friendship breakups and uncomfortable life transitions. This anthology will enable readers to find their own stories in the words of others, cause them to reflect on their own unique friendship history, and perhaps even inspire them to rekindle connections with women who have shaped them. The authors of this book share their stories of friendship loss, enduring bonds from childhood, navigating the transition to motherhood, and renegotiating the role of friendship in their adult lives. The diverse essays in this collection will evoke tears, laughter, and a deep recognition and appreciation for the friends with whom women everywhere share their lives.

 

Starting on page 175, I talk about my very best friend ever, Amy. 

If you are so inclined, you can purchase the book by clicking on that little gadget thing in my sidebar.  It's right under my kids' photos and looks like this:
 

 

 



It comes in both paperback and Kindle versions. 

It's all rather exciting.

It's a whole book of stories which will surely give me plenty of ideas on how to be a better friend.  (I just got my copy on Saturday, so I'm not done reading it yet.)

So, now that I've gone on and on, in honor of Local* Friendship Day, tell me about a person who has been a good friend to you.  And tell me what you do to be a good friend to others. 

I can use all the help I can get.

*By "Local" I mean only on this blog.  I don't think anyone else calls this Friendship Day.

Have a lovely day!