The Longest, Most Obnoxious Christmas Letters Come from Our House

As I told you last year, ever since we moved to the farm, we've been sending out 4-page, themed Christmas letters.   I write it, send it, and cross my fingers, hoping people find it funny.
Thirty hours after dropping this year's cards in the mailbox, I received an email from a friend.  "I laughed my ass off through out your circus of a year! Great Job!"

With that, I'm comfortable sharing it with you all.

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The 12 Months of This Year

Sung to The 12 Days of Christmas (Yes, we expect you to sing!)

In the 12 months of this year, fate did give to us, a kid barfing in the front of church.

In the 12 months of this year, fate did give to us, 2 kids in new schools, and a kid barfing in the front of church.

In the 12 months of this year, fate did give to us, 3 scary bats, 2 kids in new schools, and a kid barfing in the front of church.

In the 12 months of this year, fate did give to us, 4 shattered panes, 3 wild bats, 2 new schools, and a kid barfing in the front of church.

In the 12 months of this year, fate did give to us, 5 baby turkeys, 4 shattered panes, 3 wild bats, 2 new schools, and a kid barfing in the front of church.

In the 12 months of this year, fate did give to us, 6 messy cubbies, 5 baby turkeys, 4 shattered panes, 3 wild bats, 2 new schools, and a kid barfing in the front of church.

In the 12 months of this year, fate did give to us, 7 ortho visits, 6 messy cubbies, 5 baby turkeys, 4 shattered panes, 3 wild bats, 2 new schools, and a kid barfing in the front of church.

In the 12 months of this year, fate did give to us, 8 needles in pigs, 7 ortho visits, 6 messy cubbies, 5 baby turkeys, 4 shattered panes, 3 wild bats, 2 new schools, and a kid barfing in the front of church.

In the 12 months of this year, fate did give to us, 9 livestock breakouts, 8 needles in pigs, 7 ortho visits, 6 messy cubbies, 5 baby turkeys, 4 shattered panes, 3 wild bats, 2 new schools, and a kid barfing in the front of church.

In the 12 months of this year, fate did give to us, 10 dead creatures, 9 livestock breakouts, 8 needles in pigs, 7 ortho visits, 6 messy cubbies, 5 baby turkeys, 4 shattered panes, 3 wild bats, 2 new schools, and a kid barfing in the front of church.

In the 12 months of this year, fate did give to us, 11 dozen soccer games, 10 dead creatures, 9 livestock breakouts, 8 needles in pigs, 7 ortho visits, 6 messy cubbies, 5 baby turkeys, 4 shattered panes, 3 wild bats, 2 new schools, and a kid barfing in the front of church.

In the 12 months of this year, fate did give to us, 12 funny comments, 11 dozen soccer games, 10 dead creatures, 9 livestock breakouts, 8 needles in pigs, 7 ortho visits, 6 messy cubbies, 5 baby turkeys, 4 shattered panes, 3 wild bats, 2 new schools, and a kid barfing in the front of church.

The Explanations

A kid barfing in the front of church:  That would be Cuckoo.  We were sitting in the 4^th pew from the front.  During the first reading, he made a horrible coughing sound, and then let it fly.  Fortunately, only a few drops hit Star.  The rest went down the sleeve of the coat Turken was holding on his lap and onto the floor.  COW ran with the boy and left me to clean the mess up.  I will forever be grateful to the dozen or so elderly ladies who immediately started throwing hundreds of Kleenex at me. 

Side note:  Apparently, puking is a normal occurrence at the kids’ weekly all-school Masses.  They didn’t think puke merited a coveted spot in the Christmas letter.  To make their point, they regaled me with examples, such as the time a boy tried to catch his puke in his shirt to contain the mess.  Since I write the letter, and I was traumatized by this particular episode of puking, the puke stayed.  I promise I won’t say “puke” again in this publication.

2 kids in new schools:  Turken is in kindergarten, and Phoenix is in high school.  Turken is learning sight words, and Phoenix is learning how to turn homework in on time.  Turken started playing rec soccer, and Phoenix started playing high school soccer.  Turken grew 2 inches to be a tad above average in height, and Phoenix grew 6 inches to be one of the tallest kids in his class.  Turken’s parents are old as dirt compared to his classmates’ parents, and Phoenix’s parents are young whippersnappers compared to his classmates’ parents.  Turken spends little time with his friends outside of school, while Phoenix’s friends’ families are invited to his house all the time.

3 scary bats:  I am unhappy to report that bats have become so common inside of our house, that we don’t even get excited about them anymore.  (When I say “we” I mean the kids and me.  COW still loses his gourd a bit.)  Of the three bats in the house, we can’t remember the details of one.  One is memorable, as we found it in the cushion of the chair in our family room.  COW threw something over it, and then pushed the entire chair out the front door.  He then hid behind the chair and swung blindly at the bat, hoping to fling it out into the dark.  I simply laughed at him and took photos.  The other bat was in the big boys’ room.  They were all in bed (Buttercup on their floor, since houseguests were in her room), falling asleep, when it started circling above their heads.  Star and Buttercup calmly came downstairs to tell us, Phoenix just stayed in bed and watched it, and Giant slept through it all.  COW stayed in the safety of the hallway, while I caught it with a butterfly net. 

4 shattered panes:  The boys are getting bigger, and people keep giving them indoor basketballs and nets.  Five boys + indoor basketball games + 150 year old windows = a mother crying in the corner from all of the broken glass scattered about her house.  And don’t think they are limiting the damage to windows.  Two lights have been broken, too.  For the love of all that is holy, if you ever give one of my kids an indoor game that is normally an outdoor game, I will hunt you down and bring my boys with me.  They’ll be playing at your house. 

5 baby turkeys:  A new animal at the farm this year!  No, they weren’t being raised for our Thanksgiving dinner, and no, we didn’t get them on purpose.  They just showed up crossing our driveway one day.  We saw them frequently throughout the summer wandering around the yard.  I got a little nervous when it was time to mow, afraid I would scare the mom and she would come after me.  (I hear wild turkeys can cause some serious damage.)  I kid you not, the next thought I had was, “Well, if she does attack me, I’ll have something good to write in the Christmas card!”  I do believe the stress of coming up with a good Christmas card each year is getting to me.

6 messy cubbies:  In January, our kitchen and mud room renovation was completed.  All of the shoes, backpacks, crayons and coloring books, chicken feathers and bedding, overflowing recycling bins, outside toys no one plays with, coats and snowpants no one wears, flashlights that don’t work, an avalanche of plastic grocery bags, canning supplies used once a year, serving plates/containers we never use, pencil sharpener that never gets emptied, dog brushes we bought when we couldn’t remember where we put the old one until after we bought the new one, dog treats, broom no one uses, boots no one wears, hats, scarves, and mate-less gloves are living peacefully in our mudroom, making me one happy mom.

7 Ortho visits*:  Before 2013, not one person in our family had ever had an x-ray to check for a broken bone.  In 2013, we’ve had a broken foot (COW), a broken nose (Giant), a broken finger (Buttercup), a badly sprained ankle (me), a broken and shifted-off-alignment thumb, necessitating an extremely painful realignment and cast (Giant), and a broken toe (Buttercup).   We now have two rules in the house.  1.  Never, ever challenge an opponent on any field or court.  Never, ever.  In any sport.  2.  Regardless of how much pain you are in, you will wait until OrthoIndy is open to get that injury checked by a doctor, even if it means waiting a day or two.  (We found out the hard way that the ER costs ten times more than the OrthoIndy walk-in clinic.)

8 needles in pigs:  Our pigs got sick.  One was really sick.  There was diarrhea and lack of eating and low energy.  I couldn’t get a vet to test a fecal sample (even after I bagged (what I hoped was) it (you know, because of diarrhea and all the mud in the pen) and drove it to the vet’s office) or come out to look at the pigs, so I called my sister-in-law, Emily.  She is a trained vet tech.  This is what she told me to do:

Go to Tractor Supply and buy LA200 (an antibiotic), a 12cc syringe, and a 16 gauge, 1 in. needle.  Actually, buy lots of needles. One of you will need to sit on the pig to hold it down.  The one giving the shot should sit on its head. Because you eat the pigs, you have to put the shot in a place where you won't be eating the meat, which is in his neck.  Below the ear, between his jowl and shoulder. The pig will struggle, and when you stick it, he will really start kicking.  That's why I had you buy extra needles.  Since this is your first time, you will probably break a few off.  Good luck.  Keep me posted. 

The only thought I had after this conversation was, “Emily has lost her freakin’ mind!”  And I couldn’t shake the vision of an acupunctured pig running around the pen.  In the end, one pig died, and three pigs got their shots, but only because Emily jumped in her car and came to the rescue.  (COW and I had no idea how to actually contain the pigs in order to give them the shots.) Since COW was at work, she was in charge of grabbing each pig by the neck with a rope, holding on for dear life as it kicked and spun and squealed and threw a major tantrum.  I simply watched until the pig and Emily were worn out, then swooped in with the needles.  Two shots per pig.  Bam, bam, thank you, Ma’am.   Not one needle broke off.  You can now call us Christine “Fastest Shot in the Midwest” Coop and Emily “I Take a Beatin’ But Keep on Tickin’” Coop Sister and COW “There’s a Reason I Went to Law School” Coop.

9 livestock breakouts:  On a daily basis, we have to catch chickens who have managed to fly out of the “impenetrable” redneck fence COW and I constructed this summer.  It wouldn’t be so bad except they like to taunt us from the coop roof or a tree branch 20 feet in the air.  We also had to deal with the pig breakouts.  They were a feisty bunch this year, escaping their confines three times over the summer.  Once, they actually broke through the barn wall in order to go for a romp in the orchard.  We’ve found that we can successfully return a pig to his pen by dragging it by its hind legs.  We have also learned that Cuckoo yelling, “Get it back in, Mommy!!” when Mommy is single-handedly trying desperately for 20 minutes to get a 250 pound pig back in the pen doesn’t help at all.

10 dead creatures:  The count:  One chick which was sick upon arrival died 2 weeks later.   One chick was loved too much by a little girl, al a Hugo the Abominable Snowman and Daffy Duck’s “I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him and call him George”.  One chicken was internally laying (think egg constipation) and was found in a heap in the coop.  We can’t remember what happened to two chickens.  One pig you already heard about.  Three pigs met their intended demise to become meat in our bellies.  Finally, one opossum died when a 50 pound bag of chicken feed was dropped on his head while he ate crumbs in the bottom of the metal chicken feed can.  (It was dark, so COW didn’t know the creature was in there.  In fact, we didn’t even realize it had happened until a week later when I needed the food.  When I opened the lid, instead of finding a bag of chicken food, I found a can filled with maggots and a horrendous stench.)

11 dozen soccer games:  No joke.  We counted.  And then I cried.

12 funny comments:  Well, we found these comments to be quite amusing.  Or at least memorable. 

a)       “Hillbillies are innovators.” - COW, when he pulled out the rusty posts, rusty chicken wire, zip ties, and the gigantic wood post he had taken out of the dumpster when the kitchen was remodeled to make a “secure” fence for the new chickens.

b)      “This is NOT pie!  NEVER make this again!” -  Cuckoo, in complete disgust, the night we had Shepherd’s pie for dinner.

c)      “He cheated the deck!” All the boys, every time someone is playing cards, in order to annoy me to no end, because I once corrected them by saying, “You don’t cheat the deck, you stack the deck.” 

d)      “You have no right to say that phrase until you have actually stuck a pig and made it bleed!” – Me, after my mom told me of a cut on her finger, saying, “It bled like a stuck pig” one week after the big sick pig debacle.

e)      “There’s meat and there’s loaf.  Just eat it!” – COW, in frustration, after Turken posed endless questions about the ingredients of the meatloaf on his plate.  COW has no idea what is in meatloaf, and I wasn’t home to answer the questions.

f)       “I like the meat but not the loaf.” – Turken, the next day when I asked why he didn’t want leftover meatloaf for lunch.

g)      “Are you the mom or the grandma?” – a complete stranger at the local public pool, upon seeing Cuckoo having a ball jumping into the pool to be caught by me.  Yes, she was absolutely serious.  No, I didn’t punch her.

h)      “At least this injury is legitimate.” – Buttercup, (alluding to the torn finger ligament COW suffered when taking his socks off a couple years ago) when COW came home from the ER with a diagnosis of a broken foot.

i)        “Giraffes don’t eat people.  I know because they have small mouths.” – Cuckoo.  I could have included any number of quotes on the subject of animals eating people.  His ultimate goal seems to be compiling a master list of animals and their willingness/ability to eat people, so when he is an adult, he can make an informed decision on the safest place to live.

j)        “Why is my dad the only one without hair?” – Turken, referring to the dads of the kids in his class.

k)      “Says the woman who has this on her kitchen counter.” – Phoenix, carrying a very dead potted plant, in response to me telling Cuckoo the “flowers” he had picked were dying and needed to be thrown away.

l)        “No thank you, we have some of those at home.” – Turken, to the minor league baseball player who tried to give a game ball to him.

m)   “They were naked... Well, they had on underwear and that thing you wear under your shirt.”  - Cuckoo, when he was telling me about the cheerleaders at the Pacers game.

*Update:  As I was finishing up this long bit of Christmas joy, yet another injury required us to go to OrthoIndy.  Before the kids even knew what was wrong with poor Cuckoo, they said, “Now you have to change the Christmas card!”  Um, no I don’t.  We worked too hard to come up with the right numbers.  Cuckoo is doing much better, now that he is in the cutest little boot to protect his badly bruised and possibly broken toes.  Rule #3:  Cuckoo is no longer allowed to sit in the stools at the kitchen counter.

We pray you have a Merry Christmas and a new year filled with joy and laughter!

Have a lovely day!